With the exception of embrocation and tall, white socks, I rarely recommend cycling products simply because, for the most part, they all suck. And the ones that don’t are so self-evident that if you don’t have one it’s not worth my time telling you about it. However, once in a generation a product comes along that is so revolutionary that the failure to purchase it will relegate you forever to the ranks of the stupid. A brief list of those generational innovations includes cranks with pedals, derailleurs, clipless pedals, brake lever shifters, and of course tall, white socks.
The latest game-changer? The HIOD. Here’s what Swedish CEO Per-Arne Wiberg says about the HIOD (He Is Over Dere): “Even though cycling is a constantly evolving high technology sport, the communication between riders has not developed much over the past decades. The options available today are com-radio and mobile phones, both with significant drawbacks for the sport user. HIOD One fills this gap by offering a new way of sharing your cycling experience.”
Although this clumsy explanation reflects the awkward nature of Swedish, a language that puts its verbs at the end and has unpronounceable letters like “å,” in plain English Mr. Wiberg’s blurb is best translated as follows: “Even though cycling is a giant money sink for gimmicky crap, people still have to scream at the top of their lungs to be heard over the wind, traffic, and death howls from being ground under the wheels of a big rig. The options today are radio earpieces like they’ve banned in the pros and an iPhone, and what with the death of Steve Jobs they will soon suck, too. Oh, wait–they already do! He Is Over Dere (HIOD) will allow cyclists to say, when the guy they’ve been trying to drop for the last three hours finally rides them off his wheel and scatters them individually over several miles of desolate roadway, ‘He is over dere!'”
Wiberg continues: “Some people tink that cycling shouldn’t be for chatting on dere phones because of high death chance. But He Is Over Dere lets dem do just dat. People been trying to stop texting driving forever, but dumfuks still doing it like bananas. I see tree bikers two years ago talking iPhone before smashing into goat. ‘Why dey have to smash into goat?’ I wonders. So I tink up He Is Over Dere. He Is Over Dere safety cyling iPhoning first puts.”
Before reading further it is imperative that you follow this link and watch the promotional video in order to understand the method of function of He Is Over Dere.
Careful observers will note that the mid-sized handlebar unit will displace something that’s already on your bars, like a headlight (extraneous vanity item), cyclocomputer (distance/time/speed/wattage…who really gives a fuck?), or TT extensions (wind resistance is less important than previously thought). In exchange for getting rid of these useless gewgaws, He Is Over Dere will allow you to talk to other cyclists up to 1,300 yards away. And think of how often you want to do that! In fact, any well-organized paceline will be spaced at exactly 1,300 yards per rider, so instead of shouting yourself hoarse you can calmly say, “Take a pull, dipshit,” and “Quit overlapping wheels!” to people that are three blocks away.
In addition to shifting the emphasis of cycling from exercise, discipline, and paying attention, HIOD makes cycling into what it should be–talking on your iPhone or communicating with people you can no longer see, or want to see. He Is Over Dere’s promo video also shows how awful people look when their jerseys are two sizes too big, even when they are blonde, bisexual Swedish women who speak perfect English. It also shows that He Is Over Dere is preferred by blonde, bisexual Swedish women on Scott racing bikes wearing baggy long pants who seek to engage in conversation with men whose dork commuter bike handlebars sport a cute little bell. The bell is extra and can be purchased online at www.dorkybells.com.
The only possible drawback to He Is Over Dere, aside from having to ride late at night without a light, is the special booster pack that you must also strap to your arm. Although slightly on the heavy side (15 lbs.), if you switch arms throughout the ride it will assist in the development of your upper body, remedying one of the long-time complaints about the imbalanced training effect of cycling. The wires from the booster pack, as shown in the photo gallery, insert directly into the rider’s skin, where they interface with blood, muscle, nerves, and other stuff. Although He Is Over Dere is not yet available for retail, Inge, the bisexual Swedish model is. You can videochat with her here for 5kr (Swedish Kronor) per minute. All major credit cards accepted. www.swedishbisexual.com.