Today we finished Chapter 4 in the Book of ManTour (Chapter 8 if you include the original unsupported editions). Here’s what the mantourists had to say along the way.
Fuckdude: “This is fuckin’ rad, dude.”
Describing the feeling of 40 guys cruising in formation, in perfect weather, along some of the most beautiful roads on earth.
Fireman: “That’s how you win races.”
Explaining why he attacked on the 101 with sufficient ferocity to drop all but one of the other tourists en route to the Hollister exit from the Gaviota rest stop.
Davy Dawg: “That hurt.”
Describing how he felt after bridging on the 101 from the chase to Fireman’s breakaway at 34mph.
Gonzo: “Where’s the local massage therapist?”
Inquiring at the front desk upon arrival at Morro Bay.
Woodenhead: “I’ll take a wheel when I need one.”
Fending off complaints that on the run-in to Pescadero he dangled off to the side of the paceline for no apparent reason.
Bluebeard: “We used to carry all our shit.”
Explaining to the jonny-come-latelies how riders on the original ManTours packed all their belongings on the back of their bikes, and rode on wooden wheels.
Expressing amazement at Woodenhead’s recounting of one of his amazing performances on the track.
StageOne: “I think I’m gonna take another Ibuprofen.”
Commenting on his anti-pain strategy after riding 450 miles with searing pain throughout his right arm after a complete elbow reconstruction, replete with plates, screws, bolts, expander joints, etc.
Hockeystick: “Looks like my record’s not unblemished.”
Commenting on the fact that he failed to earn a star in the Hall of Shame for four consecutive days, despite stopping midway through Day 4 to change out of his “dirty” cycling clothes.
Pratfall: “I’m gonna hurt ya.”
Telling Wankmeister on Day 1 about his plans for later in the tour.
Peachfuzz: “I feel pretty good.”
Rendition of his condition on Day 4, prior to scalding and searing all of the other mantourists on the climbs into Lompoc.
Hairball: “I think I can fix that.”
Evaluating Canyon Bob’s completely destroyed derailleur and absolutely shredded derailleur hanger.
Breathanarian: “I kept throwing up.”
Explaining why he crawled into the paddywagon on his hands and knees midway through Day 1.
Iron Mike: “You realize that the world gets along just fine without you.”
Observing that, when you embark on a 5-day sojourn like ManTour, it’s really worth taking off the time from work.
M8: “I think it’s a heart attack.”
Commenting on the sharp chest pains he felt on Day 5 when he, Breathanarian, and Tom Collins sneaked away at the Ventura Pier rest stop, unnoticed by the rest of the group, and rode all the way to Trancas.
Dr. Jekyll: “I’m a better climber than you.”
Informing Wankmeister of his demonstrated climbing superiority on MT4 despite failing to win a single mountaintop finish or city/county sprint.
Canyon Bob: “It’s probably not cancer.”
Diagnosing Wankmeister’s bloody stool at the lunch stop in Lompoc.
Pilot: “That’s a first.”
Commenting on the gate attendant for Southwest who asked him to “pipe down” because of all the “people who are trying to work” while waiting for their flight, virtually all of whom were asleep.
Chief: “He apparently didn’t need a wheel then, either.”
Remarking on the fact that he dropped Woodenhead on the climb up to Ragged Point.
Pretty Boy: “Do you climb in that huge gear for a reason?”
Inquiring as to Wankmeister’s penchant for holding an average cadence of 12 or 13 while Pretty Boy shells him on all the climbs.
Demonstrating what it means to be a man of few words.
Methuselah: “It don’t hurt too bad.”
Explaining how his swollen, smashed wrist feels 350 miles and 19,000 feet of climbing into MT4.
Illtrainlater: “I’ll hold your bags, dad, but I won’t hold that.”
Telling Methuselah about the limits of his filial dedication to helping his father cope with the broken hand.
Bigbowls: “It’s in the tax code.”
Analyzing the reason that big corporations are able to steal billions from the government.
Timidator: “Oh, I remember that one. Watched every game on TV.”
Reminiscing with Postal about the 1965 World Series.
Twigman: “He’s a great guy.”
Describing Anchor, his dad, and all the incredible work he does to make ManTour happen.
Demonstrating his Welsh bona fides when asked the longest word in the world.
Triple: “I ain’t going today.”
Telling Coupe DeVille his non-plans to go with the break on Day 5 after killing himself on every climb and making every breakaway on Days 1-4.
Coupe DeVille: “He really helped me out.”
Aw-shucksing his 3rd place at the LA County line after dropping Jekyll on the climb.
Douggie: “I’m ready to be home.”
Explaining his frame of mind to Wankmeister a couple of blocks from the Center of the Known Universe.
Coolhand: “I looked up and saw green. So I went.”
Describing how he thrashed the breakaway for the Santa Cruz city limit sprint.
Fishnchips: “That’s from a different crash.”
Explaining to his concerned wife at the end of MT4 the presence of the roughed up fabric on the side of his shorts.
Tom Collins: “Well, it was, uh, with, um, I think, well yeah, we stopped in Ventura.”
Trying to lie his way out of the fact that he sneaked off from the group in Ventura in his failed bid to win the LA County Line sprint.
Stay-Puft: “You should monetize it.”
Advising Wankmeister what to do with his blog.
Toronto: “I was a bit concerned about my endurance at first.”
Describing how, despite five days of excellent riding, he was worried–very worried–after the slugfest of Day 1.
Bigsurf: “Pull over here.”
Telling Fuckdude where the best photo op was for the group shot on Day 2. He was right, of course.
Anchor: “Glad to help.”
Graciously responding to the countless mantourists who thanked him for making the trip possible.
Artiste: “Maybe you should consider a diet.”
Responding to a grotesquely obese woman slurping a giant sodapop who yelled at him in Hermosa Beach to obey the traffic laws.
Postal: “Pretty good.”
Answering how he felt after hammering all the way from Big Sur to Ragged Point with Bluebeard, Methuselah, and Timidator.
Cadillac Draft: “I’ve heard it’s awesome.”
Commenting on drafting, a phenomenon he has never personally experienced.
ClifBar: “I’ll pass.”
Turning down the double-chocolate Sundae at the restaurant in Big Sur.
Jens: “I’m sorry I beat you, Wankmeister. You are better than me.”
Apologizing for stomping the snot out of everyone on the Day 3 beatdown from Big Sur to Ragged Point.
Wankmeister: “Thanks, guys.”
Expressing his heartfelt gratitude towards the people who made MT4 happen.