Wankmeister cycling clinic #5: Dealing with icky weather

January 20, 2012 § 2 Comments

Dear Wankmeister:

Forecast says “rain” for tomorrow. I hate riding when it’s wet, but I really don’t want to miss the Donut. Any suggestions? I was thinking about spin class in the morning if it’s really icky out.

Sammy Snickers

Dear Sammy:

You’re a contemptible piece of shit. Suit up, shut up, and ride your fucking bike.


Dear Wankmeister:

I’ve just bought a Specialized SL4.9 road bike with electronic Shimano shifting. It is the bomb and it has Zipp wheels which are the bomb to. Lots of my buddies always do the Doney and tomorrow is my debutt with the new bomb bike so I want to make the big whammo impression but my problem is the bikes going to get nasty from the rain and bad weather forecast in the forecast. I dont like a dirty bike especially a new bitching bomb. Help me Rhonda.

Tommy Twotone

Dear Tommy:

You, too, are a contemptible piece of shit. That bike is like a virgin, and the mud/rain/muck/slime/sludge/filth/grit are like your dick. You’re asking me what to do with a virgin while pointing to your dick. Ride your fucking bike. If you’re too much of a dipstick to clean it, take it to the bike shop and pay to get it cleaned.


Dear Wankmeister:

I’m very excited about tomorrow’s big Donut Ride. It is my favorite ride I have done it three times and you are my hero. I love how I watch you from a long way off as you jackhammer everyone into bits of jelly for the first mile or two before you do that thing where you blow up and fall into the gutter and then everyone passes you. That’s really cool! Anyhow, I want to “Donut” (cool verb, huh!!) tomorrow but it’s going to rain they say and I don’t have good bike handling skills and I’m afraid of the rain because I think I will actually handle even worse. Should I or shouldn’t I?

On the fencedly,
Tweezle Twadsworthy

Dear Tweezle:

Don’t worry about your contemptible bike handling skills. Most of the idiots on the Donut handle their bikes even worse than you, they just go a tad faster. You will improve with practice or get killed, and what better way to learn than taking out half the field with one ill-timed, squirrely wobble? Perez does it all the time, and he wins practically every Cat. 3 crit he enters. Plus, if you time your crashes right, you’ll be out for a season and lose your upgrade points so you can keep hanging out in the 4’s.


Dear Wankmeister:

I don’t know how to say this, but I’m just not tough. I don’t like cold, or wet, or wind, or dark, or rough, or long, or hot, or steep. For me, cycling is best when I can cruise at 72 degrees on a relatively flat scenic road with no traffic or wind. Coffee stops every couple of miles and a Standing Room burger to celebrate my efforts. I know you’ll understand when I tell you I’m not riding tomorrow because of the rain.

Freddy Flapknocker

Dear Freddy:

You didn’t have to say it. I already knew.


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§ 2 Responses to Wankmeister cycling clinic #5: Dealing with icky weather

  • Albert says:

    Wanky, you’ve convinced me to risk my life on the Montrose Ride tomorrow morning. Ima ride my fooken bike. Do you think odds of crashing will be inversely proportional to the lessened anxiety of being out there with only 10 dudes instead of the usual 100 wankers?

    I’ve got a new Italian rain jacket, I need to wear at least once this winter.

    Btw, are plastic fenders kosher?

    Very truly yours,


    Still waiting for the H to the Rock Ride to resume

    • Donut says:

      You’ll probably die, or worse. However, with the Italian rain cape, your demise will be fashionable and you will make a good-looking corpse. Carry on!

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