A letter to mother
April 11, 2012 § 1 Comment
Dear Mom:
I really love you a lot. I hope you know that. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be what I am today. Well, I guess it’s not all your fault. Anyway, just wanted to take a sec and tell you you’re the best mom ever, and it’s been good times being your son. Just remember, anyone can be a father, but only a mother can be a mommy!
So, anyway, I had some details I wanted to go over with you for the “post-BWR me” if that’s cool and if now is not a good time that’s cool too. My first choice is the solid cherry. Its got a patented locking mechanism that’s so no one can get inside I guess. I want to have my SPY kits with me and once people know where I am they will probably try to swipe them so the locking mechanism would shut that down cold. I reckon it would.
Then I’d like the satin finish, which is very classy and sort of says “This dude was rad” which is pretty cool to be said about I reckon. That is what they will be saying on BWR when I kick their dicks in. Next its got wood bars instead of those aluminum ones so my buds will have something natural to grip when they carry it plus it’s has a safety bottom. I don’t know what that’s for exactly but I reckon its so you don’t fall out of the bottom once you get all mushy but even if you fall through the bottom like so what? Its just dirt.
Then the most rad part is it has a adjustable bed and mattress that is rad. It will be cozy after the BWR beatdown and feel good to. You could adjust your position if you wanted to or if they had to dig you up for to check to make sure you were dead the first time they could readjust all the goop on the mattress which is rad. Now get this it also has swing bar hardware and mom I dont cuss to much but what the fuck is that? And its got a reversible pillow and overthrow I reckon thats for if the pillow gets smelly which it woould after about an hour cuz your fucking dead and they can reverse it so it’s not so smelly. But I’m thinking if youre dead what the fuck do you care what the pillow smells like you know. The overthrow is cool to. That’s like a throwover they just throw it over you just make sure it dont cover up my Sidis which are rad.
Its only $3795 which is cheaper than the all copper one which is rad too and to make it uber rad could you get it with the Wilberts Bronze Triune thanks mom! That’s like the overcase that the solid cherry goes into, kind of like a double bagger on your dingdong when you think the first rubber might bust. But the triune costs $3895 extra (ouch) I love you mom but im not worth that much, I mean unless you really love me.
Now then it prolly sounds like a lot of money and I know that you have been struggling and living is tough in that tarp and cardboard thing they made for you down at the Occupy place but still for only $3795 the solid cherry is a deal its cheaper than my Specialized Scratch frame which I want put in with me too. I know I cant ride it when I’m dead but theres no freaking way I’m gonna let Hockeystick get it. No on that and I mean no. And he dont get my BWR finisher jersey either because he quit early with Miller and Mazer and Junkyard and Toronto and Arkansas Traveler and they was all just thongwatching and beating off down at the beach while I was paying the ultimate price sacrifice. “All gave some (except those wankers), some gave all.”
NOw there is also a thing on the same internet weg site I found as the solid cherry called “An inexpensive alternative for families. Cloth covered caskets are moderately priced as a result of the construction materials used in their manufacturing process.” and it says it’s made out of hemp cloth. Now thats cool because hemp is dope I’m pretty sure being stoned to fuck for eternity is rad but I don’t want to be rolled like a joint and stuck in the ground fuck no mom. Cherry wood, solid, please. If you want to toss in one of your bongs and an ounce of the good shit thats cool to but again keep an eye on Hockeystick back in the day they called him “Bogart.”
So next lets work on my obiterary notice which should be in the major newspapers like Velonews NYCBikeSnob and Twitter. I already no what it should say so you wont hve to haggle with the funeral director. Those guys are dicks sometimes and you would be too if everytime a dead body came over you were like “Oh maam thats so terrible I’m so sorry what a tragic loss you must be devastated,” but inside your really going “Rock on, another stiff, cha-ching!!” That’s fucked up.
I want the obiterary to be same as my headstone and to say exactly like these words: “Wankmeister was a badass motherfucker. He didnt take nofucking prisoners and didn’t ask for any, either. He was a real badass. He knew the BWR was gonna kill his fukkin ass but he didn’t give a fuck I reckon he didn’t no sir. He fucking drilled it as long as he could until he blew a cork and fucking died and all his socalled buddies ran over his dick. Then he was dead. And all the pussies who said BWR is for pussies and sent him links to that UltraPlanet bullshit stuff for pussies well they are a bunch of pussies. RIP. Born a long fucking time ago and died young making a good-lookin corpse. Plus he was coached by Captaintbag who is rad.”
Now my ballbearers are gonna be my best buds I want Hockeystick not cuz hes my best bud but so everyone can keep an eye on him from swiping the Scratch he’s got his eyes on it I’m telling you and no I’m not paranoid. And I want G3 because he will be crcking jokes and peeing on the fake flowers for laughs that will be rad. And I want Zeke because he is Dog. And I want New Girl and LEgit Girl and Sparkles and Mel and Mighty Mouse and Tink and Trixie and Dara and VV and all the other smokin hot broads put them in bikinis please little tiny ones. And I want MMX so we can serve him with the lawsuit papers for killing me on the BWR in the first place that fukker. And I dont care that hes drunk and in Milwaukee I want Filds and the Amsterdam Hammer and Unkl Phil to. If Glasship shows up witch he won’t he still owes me for firing me just before Christmas that douche and not severancing me any money.
For my clergy they should be Catholic-Jewish-Baptist and do the regular thing with the goat but keep the blood off my cherry solid. I will leave it to you mom to figure out what they say but make sure it includes this: “Oh Dog [this is wehre Zeke will wag his fukkin tail and knock over the vase and stick his nose up the girsl crotches] he was a badass send his fukkin ass to heaven and if you cant do that because he was an atheist send him to hell but in no event to Lubbock. He kicked in a lot of dicks in his time and he always gave a lot of you sorry fukkers in the audience his wheel even though you didn’t deserve it. Bless us this day our heavenly bread in the valley of evil though we may walk to radness amen, in Dog’s name, dudes.”
Don’t worry about decorating the grave just my old Garmin and printouts of my Strava KOM’s is enough especially that badass on the downhill of VDM nobody’s ever gonna crack that beatch. Bull is so far in second place he’ll never beat that KOM. You can give away my Capo socks too. But not my BWR finisher’s tee-shirt although Hockeystick will offer you money for it tell him to fuck off and he still owes me five bucks.
Now then you will have to pick a funeral director which is also the same as the embalmer. If more than 24 hours goes by between the end of the BWR and interment, the law hereabouts says that the remains got to be refrigerated or embalmed so dont put me in the fridge please. I don’t want somebody reaching in for a cold one and hauling out my frozen dick.
You can skimp on the embalming too if you just go straight to burial and save the money mom. Don’t get too freaked out the embalmer washes the body with spermicidal soap and replaces the blood with embalming fluid to preserve the body but I won’t have much blood it will all have drained out on Bandy Canyon, sure, mostly through my eyes and ears and nose. They may reshape and reconstruct disfigurements using materials, such as clay, cotton, plaster of Paris, and wax because frankly I’m gonna look all fukked over after BWR and there’s no point in open-casket gawking if my fukkin elbow is coming out my ass.
They also may slather on the cosmetics to make me look more naturally colorful pinkish rather than gray and yellow, and cut-n-glue to get rid of the grimaces. Then dress the body and place it in a casket but SPY kit all the way baby. Put some of my Ironfly shit in there to so Fukdude isn’t too pissed but how pissed can he be he never invited me on his pursuit team and theres nobody in the fuckin 45+ to race with anyway and so Fireman doesnt go ballistic. Ironfly sox would be rad.
Although I want burial in a casket, cremation might be fun too, which is where they burn the shit out of you in a special giant deal like a barbecue cooker, it can be more convenient and cheaper. AFterward you can be easily ship the bones and ashes and shit around to friends and shit or keep them at home in your tent, or even scatter them over the ocean which is weird because I cant swim. Mom, if you put my cremains in some kind of receptacle dont make it in the kitty litter box because they will get shat on and cat poop is way worse than dog poop except for Zeke. You can get something rad at the Container Store
IF you end up going with this place I’m sending you to, “Bill’s Family Funerals, A Place for the Whole Family,” which is a family-run business kind of like a bike shop, its in Carlsbad so they’ll be able to get my cadaver straight from the BWR finish to the funerary, you have to treat them like a bike shop. Don’t fucking take the first price and always get the team discount. Thats NOT 15 percent which is the FRED discount. Always get 30% that is for the HAMMERS. fucking Stern-O never fucking pays retail dont you either mom. Thirty percent.
You can also get some great deals on the internet better than Bill’s but like at a bike shop go to Bills first and get all the info and even test drive the cherry solid to make sure its rad then order it online lots cheaper. Bill will still service the body and do al the shitwork just like a LBS. Not your fucking problem mom if they dont make any money and go bankrupt you didnt’ tell them to be a funeral shop . Dont sign up for any bullshit post-death support group activities bullshit either. Do you really want to sit around on Friday evenings with some douchebag crying over how daddy got plucked away in the flower of his youth and he was only on his fith DUI? course not.
You can get a rad hearse like the one in the picture and the driver is pretty rad because he’s badass enough to keep Hockeystick from stealing the Scratch and the bong but I’d rather go in Surfer Dan’s vanagon which is old and rusted to fuck but highly rad. G$ can make some bitching rad logo with purple and green and orange and shit and some big ass angry orange on the front and fly it like a flag off the vanagon.
And one last hing, mom. If they try to pin that fucking purple jersey on my dead body don’t you let them. Don’t you fucking dare.
Love,
Your Son
Cycling in the South Bay 
Batesville Casket Company in Batesville, AR, has a deal on curly maple going on the internets. One-Click™ shopping and delivered right to your door.