Drugstrong denies doping, accuses accusers of “fibbing”

De Telegraaf dropped an evening bombshell, just as we were all wrapping up a long day of July Fourthing and holiday ride badassing, in which USADA named the five heretofore unnamed witnesses to the Lance Drugstrong doping case. The five are Jonathan Vaughters “We Fired Rasmussen Today for Doping Violations,” Levi Leipheimer “Been Busted Before, Will be Busted Again,” George Hincapie “Could 17 Tours Be Wrong?” Dave Zabriskie “The Vegan Doper,” and Christian Vande Velde “Needles.”

Drugstrong fired back immediately. The combined press release from his attorney Bulldog Jones, his press agent Smarmy Goodfellow, and Timmy Dinkins, Cancer Survivor, is printed in full below.

Lance Drugstrong is the most tested athlete in the history of sport. With the exception of the drug tests that he has failed in the past, he has never failed a drug test. Drugstrong has built his career on creating awareness of, and hope for, cancer victims.

It is with profound regret that Vaughters, Leipheimer, Hincapie, Vande Velde, and Zabriskie have chosen to sell lies under threats from USADA in exchange for sweetheart deal doping bans. Drugstrong has raced with each of these athletes, put them on the map so to speak, and made them profoundly aware of cancer. Due to the despicable witch hunt propagated by USADA, these former friends have chosen to become cancer lovers and tell fibs about Drugstrong.

Drugstrong has been tested more than anyone ever, and as a cancer survivor himself and cancer awareness benefactor promoter, it is absurd to think that he would ever subject himself to the risks of illegal doping just to win seven straight Tours and become a millionaire and global celebrity who boinked one of the Bobbsey twins and Sheryl Crowe, whose ass, by the way, was so flat that when they had sex his one good ball kept hitting  against the sheets.

Lance Drugstrong intends to clear his name and to vindicate his reputation among the fans who don’t care whether he doped, and to aggressively defend himself on Twitter.

  • Power Tweet #1: I refuse to be distracted by @usantidoping‘s antics. It’s 2012, I’m gonna continue to lead @LIVESTRONG, raise my 5 kids, and stay fit!
  • Power Tweet #2: I’m gonna keep saving lives!
  • Power Tweet #3: Thanks to all my cancer supporters! I’m there for you 24/7!
  • Power Tweet #4: Have any of my followers out there ever been to prison, and do you know if they generally have a pool?

19 thoughts on “Drugstrong denies doping, accuses accusers of “fibbing””

  1. “I’m done fighting”. Now we know why….wonder what will happen to all involved with those riders mentioned assuming the Dutch are right? Are they right? Only thing I know about Dutch people are that they are cheap, their ovens smell like farts, & the girls are taller than the guys.

    1. They will all get what Drugstrong would have gotten if he’d ‘fessed up: a slap and a shrug.

  2. As soon as they yank Lance’s tour wins and hand them to deserving riders like Jan and Ivan the healing will begin.

    1. I can’t wait to see #123 get his Tour win! Let the healing begin! Har!

  3. Does #123 get to stand on the podium? Does he get the winnings? Does he get the endorsements? Does he get the UCI points to help renegotiate his contract for the 1999, 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004 and 2005 seasons? Cause that’s gonna be really important now? And most importantly does he get a “Free Consultation” with Dr. Ferrari?

    1. In 1999, #123 was Sebastien Hinault.
      In 2000, #123 was Magnus Bäckstedt.
      In 2001, #123 was Christophe Capelle.
      In 2002, #123 was Nico Mattan.
      In 2003, #123 was Servais Knaven.
      In 2004, #123 was Kurt Asle Arvesen.
      In 2005, #123 was Matthew White.

      Two Frenchmen, a Swede, a Norseman, a Flem, a Hollander, and an Australian…those were your TdF winners. I won’t rest until they’ve been crowned.

  4. Love your blog, Wankmeister. Tour scandals are hilarious and, perhaps, funnier in limerick form. Enjoy.

    Fall from (G)Race
    or Cycling Coup de Grace Today

    With doping controlled and no stars in the ranks,
    Le 2012 Tour seemed a small gold fish tank,
    Then, suddenly, LEAKS!
    One D. Sportif, domestiques
    Flounder as all of their bike chains get Yanked!

    I daresay the masses do rue poor St. George
    Who slew 17 tour’s worth of dragons to forge
    Sir Lancelot’s sword!
    A crowd that once roared
    Now chokes on a legend it hopes to disgorge.

    I doubt that the Torah gives comfort or guidance
    To Levi, whose stardom now faces subsidence.
    An ironic bad dream
    To take one for the team,
    With a drug magnate sponsor*…ah, the tourniquet tightens!

    Consider the case of one Jonathon Vaughters,
    Whose clean team now muddies the holiest waters.
    The guy needs new glasses!
    He’s just one of the asses
    Who whinnies denial as his team heads for slaughter.

    So who’s Garmin-slipp’ry with a tongue so long spliced?
    Whose millionaire father can pay any price
    To keep controls clean
    (‘Til today, so it seems)
    As Christian descends to emerge Anti-Christ!

    Note: It must come in handy
    That the elder Mr. Vande
    Makes a mint giving super-rich felons advice!

    And, meanwhile, Zabriske has nothing to say
    As he prays to the Board** it will all go away.
    This prologue ride Marvel,***
    Seemed wormlike and larval
    As Captain America did shrivel today.

    The Fab Five, like insects, are scuttling for cover.
    Did they really expect to remain undiscovered?!
    Wings pulled from these flies
    Some keep buzzing, all lies,
    As they wait to be swatted by their former “blood” brother.

    And let’s not forget about Johan Bruyneel,
    Whose lips (‘round L.A.’s cock) have remained tightly sealed!
    King McQuaid has bestowed
    Sovereign power, don’t ya’ know,
    To USADA…and a pass to dudes ready to deal.

    * Omega Pharma, a Belgian Pharmaceutical company
    ** Board, as in the USADA Board reviewing the Lance Armstrong case
    *** “Captain America” © by Marvel Comics

    1. Really lovely, and funny, and whimsical, and ferocious, and metered to boot! Thank you for sharing!

      This is so well written…wow…thanks again.

  5. Thank you, Wankmeister. The limericks come as easily as the kilometers. Do you take requests? It irks me that none of this week’s shit has, as yet, hit Cuntador’s fan.

  6. Hmm…waiting for pitch pipe…

    The Contador case calls to mind O.J. Simpson’s,
    When Justice, not blind, through black lenses was glimpsing!
    If the IV bag doesn’t fit,
    You have to acquit!
    ‘Tis the lawyers who win as our poor sport just limps in.

  7. It has been said (by myself, course) that I have all the aplomb of a suicide bomb. Real life beckons, but I’ll be watching for opportunities to whip out my poetic license and join in the slashing. Good night.

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