Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the pharmacist’s…

I fucking love Lance. Just when you think he’s dead, washed up, over and done with and fodder for the worms, he rears his nasty, snarling, ill-tempered face and, like the king zombie from the universe of the undead, proceeds to gnaw the testicles off a few hundred pasty-faced, terrified anti-dopers and their lawyers, all the while spitting out body parts, adjectives, and principles of constitutional law quicker than Brad Wiggins can say “cocksucking wanker.”

Back on the treadmill

Drugstrong’s latest move, “the best defense is to kill everyone” offense, recently crapped onto the federal docket in Austin, has predictably polled the only two responses possible in the War of the Ride for the Roses, which promises to last much longer than its British namesake.

Response One: “Bad ol’ Puddy Tat!”

Response Two: “Nut(s)!”

As an attorney, Drugstrong’s legal theory has at least one fascinating, and frankly indisputably sound legal dimension, a dimension that, although complex and somewhat hard to explain to the thirty or forty Americans who don’t yet have a law degree, can best be summarized thus: “You pay my legal fees I’ll file whatever the fuck you say to file, and I’ll do it on the double.”

It’s an old rule of law, rooted in the 11th Century Olde English case of Pudthucker v. Shanks. And it’s the one rule of law that ain’t ever fucking gonna change.

Please don’t tell me you’re bored with Lance

No one is bored with Lance. It’s not possible. He’s got the Story That Has Everything. Sexy starlets. European drug connections. Mysterious doctors named after legendary racing cars. Big-time Hollywood mouthpiece lawyers. Cancer. Epic sports success. A rags-to-douchebag tale of the American Dream. Cancer. Divorce. Jilted sexpots. Test tube babies. Seven yellow jerseys. Cancer. General badassedness that makes a champion fighting pitbull look like a lapdog.

“Okay,” you say. “So I’m not really bored. I’m just jealous that he got to ball the Bobbsey Twins while I was out here racing business park crits in Topeka. What about his federal court filing, Wankmeister? Isn’t this just too much? He’s striking at the very heart of anti-doping. He’s trying to bring down everything that we’ve fought for since Festina! Say it isn’t so, WM! Say he’s gonna lose!”

I’ll say nothing of the sort. What I will say is that Lance is proving that the most basic underpinnings of our constitutional system of law work perfectly. Here’s a quick review for those of you who slept through US History.

  • Principle One: If you have enough money, you can fight anything and win.
  • Principle Two: If you don’t have enough money, you are hopelessly fucked.
  • Principle Three: There is no Principle Three.

Please quit being cute and tell us about the law, Wankmeister!

Sigh. I lawyer for a living. Do I have to do it here, too?


I don’t!

8 thoughts on “Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the pharmacist’s…”

  1. Dear Wankmeister,

    Hate to ask you to lawyer here but, to the best of your knowledge, will the abbreviated version of L. Pharmstrong vs. the World be submitted to the same judge (Sparks) and in the same court? It just seems to me that, if you throw an enormous bucket of shit into the face of a judge one day and, 24 hours later, throw a smaller bucket of the same shit into the same face, you might anticipate a similar result. This, of course, is pure logic and, as such, has absolutely nothing to do with law and/or the nazi- governmental (OOPS! Thought for sure I typed quasi-governmental) agency known as USADA.

    Thank you for your consideration and hope this isn’t interpreted as a bid for free legal advice.

    1. Dear Loosewheels,

      Disclaimer: Any communications between you and me do not constitute the formation of an attorney-client privilege. Any advice or opinions expressed herein are general points of law and not advice regarding your particular case, which is likely hogwash.

      Now, then.

      Yes, ol’ Sammy Sparks will still be the BADAFLICOTPOSC, the Bad Ass Dude Appointed For Life In Charge Of This Piece Of Shit Case. But fear not! Federal judges deal with this crap all the time. It’s why they sit on the bench with rubber gloves.


  2. The USADA is sort of like the Patriot Act for athletes, it turns the US Constitution into single ply TP. Lance may have a very good point buried in that steaming, stinking 80 page dung heap of a “complaint,” but that doesn’t mean the USADA is wrong in accusing him of doping.

    I’m so sick of this crap. Lance is a doper, but 99.2 percent of the peloton were doping back then. Giving Lance’s Turdy France wins to the first runners up just gives those wins to the second best doper.

    Tygart’s an even bigger ass than Drugstrong. Drugstrong passed all your tests and no amount of coerced co-conspirator testimony is going to change that. He got over on you. Deal with it and move on. Your job is to clean up the sport right now. Your job is not to try and remedy every past injustice.

    The warm shit thing* to all of this is perhaps it can de-polarize Congress for a while. I’m sure both sides of the aisle could quickly agree to defund the USADA before Tygart wastes any more taxpayer dollars.

    *I may be standing in a pile of shit, but at least it’s warm shit.

    1. The whole thing is a leftist plot to provide comedy fodder for marginally employed bloggers. It’s welfare for the technorati. I’m in looooooooove….

  3. In this epic battle of love-to-hate figures, I hate Patrick McQuaid the most. One would think that, with Verbruggen’s slippery hand so far up his puppety backside, he’d be able to answer a few questions consistently…or, at least, carefully. Hopefully, this will be his last 15 months in the catbird seat where, doubtless, he’s leaving a large grease spot.

    Cycling Deserves a Break Today

    I’d like to McQuestion that Patrick McQuaid
    Whose fast-food approach to decisions has made
    Quite a slippery slope
    For controllers of dope,
    While foundations of future defenses are laid.

    L’Arc de Triomphe or the arches of gold?
    Are billions best served by the fibs that he’s told?
    McQuaid’s constant lies
    Have become biggie-sized
    As positive tests seep beyond his control.

    In his culpable hands, le Tour has turned farce;
    The sport’s true believers have dwindled, are sparse.
    I think we’ve all seen
    That He’ll never come clean
    As McHead of the sport, he’s the consummate arse.

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