David Anthony: A hero for our times

It’s simple. If you’re a grown man, and you’re shaving your legs, and you’re not a professional athlete or in the porn business, then you have a problem. The only question is “How bad is it?”

By now you MUST have heard about David Anthony, star of the New York Times, feature stud on VeloNews, zeitgeist at BikedoucheNYC, the 42 y/o Cat 2 full-on HGH and EPO doper who got popped at a fucking gran fondo in New York. If you haven’t, you should take the time to read these stories. They get the facts pretty much right, but they all miss the point completely.

David Anthony is a hero. Actually, he’s a king. The King of Wankers. The greatest wanker of our time, if not of all time.

Tawdry tales of a twit’s terrible trajectory

It’s incredible what Anthony achieved in the space of little more than three brief years. He went from middle aged Cat 5 neo-wanker to all-in Cat 2 wanker. Injecting EPO into his belly fat. Shearing 20 pounds off his 160-lb frame. Sleeping and whacking off in an oxygen tent. Pouring money into the pockets of private coaches who would analyze his power files, send him e-pats on the back, and stoke the raging fire of his drug-crazed frenzy. He left his starter dork club and moved up to racing with a big team, aptly named “Comedy Central.”

We can assume he got the bro deal on his frame as he blew a grand a month on drugs, spent his spare time in a wind tunnel, and notched some huge results, culminating in a 16th place after upgrading to Cat 2. Sixteenth place. And before you snicker and howl, how many 16th places have you ever gotten in a Cat 2 race?

Then it all unraveled. Busted at a lame-ass gran fondo, surrounded by hairy-legged freds and nice ladies who wanted to “do their first century,” he got booted from his team (losing the bro deal, no doubt), was banned by USA Cycling for two years, and worst of all became the object of ridicule in the lowest and filthiest and most depraved circle of hell, otherwise known as the online bicycle forum where anonymous people with handles like “Big Hammer” and “Wattmaster” pass judgment on real people they’d be afraid to say “Hello” to in real life.

After confessing, apologizing, revealing the drug trail’s intricacies to USADA, and displaying the kind of remorse that is never, ever, ever, ever seen by pro athletes, politicians, or people who shoot up movie theaters for fun, karma revealed the true cunty nature of her awful self and subjected him to a bike crash in which he broke his leg in three places and may never cycle again. He now walks with a fucking cane.

This boy went all in, and he went all down. The only thing that could have made his undoing more complete might have been an arrest for public masturbation or the discovery of  unpaid child support bills. It’s not stated in any of the interviews, but he sounds single, so in addition to all the misery and public opprobrium, he also gets to be alone.

Put yourself in his shoes for a couple of minutes. Done? Now that’s some heavy shit.

I like my sinners covered in sin

Although you’ve become pariah non grata in the BikedoucheNYC scene, dude, you’re way fucking welcome on any of my rides. You are badass. You took what we all do and maxed out the mental credit card. You went to a place that lots of other idiots go, but few return from in such a shattered, broken heap. You don’t have battle scars, you have been mortally wounded and somehow survived.

And to top it off, you have a conscience. It is warped, fucked up, and was clearly out of commission for a period of years, but you still have one, and it’s come to the fore. You’ve not only confessed, you’ve repented. You are the reason we believe in justice, in the hope that people can do stupid things, be punished, and then be better people.

See, David, buddy, you’re not that bad. You got involved in cycling from the asshole end rather than from the sweet end. It could happen to anyone, and it does. The asshole end is the one that looks down on people for being slow, or fat, or clumsy. It’s the end that sneers at freds and wankettes because their lives have other trajectories, other priorities, other limitations, or other blessings that supersede racing a $10k bike around an office park on Sunday.

Once you climbed into the warty anus, where there are winners and everyone else is shit, you did the logical thing: you played to win. Unfortunately, you had enough early success to make the craziness seem real. If a 5 then a 4, if a 3 then a 2, so maybe one day a 1? Then, perhaps…

Yep, you should have kept counting, because the next number in that progression is “0.”

The crazies are all around us

Dave, your mistake happens to lots of pudgy, middle-aged bike racers. You’re hardly unique. You’ve been unathletic all your life, you’ve got the first stench of mortality firmly wedged in your nostrils (and it’s a smell that only gets stronger with each passing year), and you got involved in something that seemed to reverse the clock. Your body and mind are capable of so much, and it’s an incredible feeling, especially when you’re putting the wood to some snot-nosed punk twenty years your junior. Robin Williams fell into the Kook-Aid vat, so you’re in smart and good company.

The sweet end of cycling is not there, though. The sweet end is the end where the fun is the turning of the pedals and the admixture of people you meet on the bike. The sweet end is the one that whispers “We’re still dying, but what a happy journey it will be to the grave.”

The sweet end never lies to you, either. If you’re religious, it heightens your appreciation of life as you prepare for eternity with hot coals up your ass or eternity listening to bad gospel music. If you believe that this is all we get, cycling intensifies these few microseconds before we’re blasted back into nothingness for a zillion trillion eternities.

Come back to us, buddy

Go ahead and heal up your leg. Get some good PT. Make your physical recovery the keystone to your mental recovery. Hang onto one machine and sell all your extra bikes and TT shit on Ebay (if you’ve got Di2, I’m actually in the market for some if you can cut me a bro deal).

Then throw a leg back over and you’ll see that cunty karma has a sweet side as well. The bike will always welcome you back. If the BikedouchesNYC insist on giving you the stinkeye, fuck them. Find a group who doesn’t care and who rides for fun…fun, of course, meaning weekly beatdowns without having to pay an entry fee.

Get into the groove of riding not for a purpose, but because you can. And give me a shout the next time you’re in California. We’ll go for a pedal and laugh at the wankers, over whom, by the way, you will forever be king.

41 thoughts on “David Anthony: A hero for our times”

  1. Story of my life… Picked the wrong parents, picked the wrong hero’s, bought the wrong playbook… Here I been doin’ the Tomke thing, maxin out on hookers and blow… No wonder I’m still a 3… cest la vie…

  2. WM: Where is the fun in life if I cannot feel superior to somebody, anybody, somewhere, sometime, some place, some how, because I am running out of excuses and it must be the moral failing of some flounder that is keeping me from self realization.

    1. There is no fun in life if you cannot do those things. However, if you’re really running out of excuses, send me a DM and I will share some of mine with you. They are, frankly, limitless.

      BTW: Jack from Illinois (not his real name) crushed some nuts on the last couple of rides.

  3. my. thoughts. EXACTLY.

    What an epic tale! He is like the Odysseus of cycling… this mythological thing that had too many adventures and wound up crumpled by it all.

    We are creatures of our culture – just like Vino who grew up in a world dominated by bribery and hardscrabble existence. You play the game to win – but you won the wrong game.

    Excellent work, WM.

    1. Thanks for the props! I know so many people who’ve gone all in. David Anthony, as you so well put it, “crumpled.” What a tale. Hope he picks himself up and gets back on the bike.

  4. This is fucking awesome!! I swear I don’t where I’d be without you and the Captain. The rest of the interwebz just buys lock, stock, and barrel into whatever the flavor of the fucking week is. You two keep me massively entertained and grounded in reality all at the same time. Thanks!

  5. I know David pretty well, and he truly is a badass. With so much freak-out going on, it’s nice to see a piece written by someone who gets the lunacy and ridiculousness of the whole scene. I’m kind of in awe of his renegade spirit and how far he went with this, too. One thing — all of the write-ups make him sound like this crippled shut-in, which isn’t true. He had a bad crash, but he’s smart, funny, and does just fine with the ladies. I hope you get to meet him some time; I bet you guys would hit it off.

    1. You tell that fucker to get his ass out here and join us on the NPR. Love to have him! And the next time someone gets their fucking panties in a wad, kindly tap them on the shoulder and remind them, “It’s bicycling, dearie. Bicycling.”

  6. Bee is right. David is a cool dude. He just forgot what this HOBBY is all about. Obviously at his age he was not going to turn pro, so he should just have enjoyed it at the level he could attain while treating it as a hobby. Unfortunately he pissed off a bunch of other cyclists who are also taking the sport way too seriously. So they anonymously bad mouth him on the internet. As Bee said, he is not crippled, far from it. He had a nasty crash that would have left most folks in a wheel chair for months. He was up and walking with crutches a couple of weeks later. When I last spoke to him he thought he would be back on the bike in the late fall. Maybe he will make his first ride back one in California.

    1. Cheating bad. Catching cheaters good. Recognizing and apologizing for one’s transgressions awesome. End of saga.

      We now return to our regularly scheduled program of “Wankers on Parade.”

  7. hahaha.. awesome.. David’s my Uncle, and you just made my fucking day! You had me at “Tawdry tales of a twit’s terrible trajectory” !

    1. Hopefully he’s back to the land of the living, the Kook-Aid has been drained from his veins, and the fog has started to lift. Most importantly, he should embrace his fame and notoriety. This little post has gone off the charts, which means it’s a story of national (cycling) interest. He’s got a story, it’s a compelling one, and there are lots of people who will benefit from hearing it. Of course, there are the countless other idiots who won’t, but that’s the way things go. Give him my best. Don’t throw out the bike with the chain lube.

  8. You guys are bad ass, all of you, like rock stars.
    When I grow up I want to be just like you guys.

    1. We are wankers. If you are ever like any of us, even a little bit, your life will have been lived in vain.

  9. Enjoyed this immensely. David still is a complete dick for doping. I mean ride for yourself or don’t ride. Fuck everyone else.

    1. Not sure I agree with the verb “is,” as I don’t know the dude. I can agree that he was a dick for doping, and a cheater, etc. However, one of the many interesting things about him is the full and forthright nature of his contrition. I rarely see people, even when caught red-handed, make such an open and forthcoming admission of wrongdoing. This is a worthy thing, and deserving of consideration, unless you believe that people who lie, cheat, steal, and harm other people are totally beyond redemption and are bad people forever regardless of their subsequent acts. It’s certainly a world view among some, but it’s not mine. I hold that when people are found guilty of something, by confessing, serving out their punishment, and refusing to repeat their transgressions they are rehabilitated, especially when their subsequent behavior completely divorces itself from the behavior involved in the initial wrongdoing. People ride for all kinds of reasons, not all of them laudable. That has something to do with the environment that they begin riding in, with their own character, and of course with random chance. This dude has also served a worthy end: He’s brought to the attention of the numbskulls out there that doping exists among masters wankers. Props to him for quite literally coming clean, if that’s in fact what happens. It’s also impressive that he’s spoken about it with so many reporters, rather than hang his head in shame and slink off into the gutter. Perhaps even one person will be dissuaded from doping by his example, and even if not, he’s proven what many masters racers already know: Doping isn’t just for breakfast anymore.

      Read his apology here: http://nyvelocity.com/content/features/2012/david-anthony-tests-positive

  10. But is that not the in thing now, to admit you have a problem and ask for forgiveness? He did finally leave his mark. The right thing to do is bow out and disappear . It’s not alright that you did it and no one wants to hear your excuse.

    1. That depends on whether or not you think that punishment, acceptance of guilt, contrition and repentance, and trying again are an “in thing.” They’re pretty fundamental concepts to any kind of justice. He hasn’t said at all that it’s all right. He’s said instead that it was very wrong, and many, many people want to hear his apology and explanation–as of yet, he’s offered no excuses. To the contrary, he’s behaved like the model felon: busted, sentenced, and repented. And how does one bow out and disappear? He’s already been banned, so he’ll disappear from the racing scene for two years at least. He’s not the one seeking notoriety or fame; America’s top newspaper, America’s top bike racer mag, and a series of worthless bike blogs (this one included), have publicized him.

      An unrepentant doper just won the Olympiccorp road race, and the world is fine with that.

      It’s just bicycle chasing.

  11. That doper was trying to make a living, big difference .
    Most felons are trying to get by anyway they can.

  12. I just looked and seen you are based out in California, seems that you guys are a lot more forgiving out there. I actually live in NYC and although have not raced in a few years, my wife suspended me from racing, belong to the same club. We have a junior program which these so called masters with money don’t really care about but they do want the Bro deal for them selves at the local shops. I think since he is well off, very well off he could sell that TT bike and help out with the junior’s program. Playing the sympathy card does not go over.
    I am not saying I am right. I agree with a lot of what you have written, keep it up we New Yorkers think we know everything.

    1. People do crazy, stupid shit just for the Bro deal and to feel like they’re “one of the boys.” If only they put the same amount of energy into getting younger people into the sport!

  13. David Anthony’s internet confessional, though brave to an extent, didn’t cost him anything. It’s not like getting caught cost him his livelihood. So he has more freedom than others to admit his wrongdoings. Nothing about his life will really change and no damage has been done, except that he can’t race competitively for two years and is the butt of some self-righteous internet rants. Regardless, people who don’t understand the doping culture in the amateur ranks will never understand that you don’t have to be a marginal, fringe, mental deficient to resort to doping. Being strong on the bike while not suffering as much pain as before he began doping was probably at the heart of the reason why he kept doing it. Only he knows for sure.

    1. Caught. Punished. Apologized.

      If he stops doping and genuinely regrets his douchery, I’m ready and willing to forgive.

      He’s the King of Wankers, and that’s awesome.

  14. Loved this. Feel the same way. The gorgeous thing about forgiving someone for something is that it breaks a horrible cycle of damaged people turning around and fucking someone else up. But what if they do it again? Give them a chance to! The one that never does is worth the other 9 that screw it up.

    And if Anthony was doping under stakes as small as the haters say they were, then he’s been punished well beyond what the crime warranted.

    1. There’s a nice, bitter little thread on one of the bike forums that goes on and on about how horrible the dude is and how he should never be forgiven, no matter what, because he’s a cheater, etc. etc. etc.

      Pretty hilarious! I can see it now:

      “Daddy, I’m sorry I stole that $20 out of your billfold.”
      “You sorry little fucker. I hereby hate you forever.”
      “But Daddy, I’m really sorry.”
      “You are a lifelong scum and criminal, Billy. This will be with you forever, or at least through Third Grade.”
      “Daddy, I know I was wrong. I’m so sorry.”
      “Every criminal says that! And you’re just apologizing because you got caught! You’re worthless! You’re no son of mine!”
      “Please Daddy! I’ll never steal anything again!”
      “So what? You committed this one evil act. You betrayed my trust. You stole money from your own dear father, knowing it was his, and what did you do? You spent it on bubble gum and comics! Son, you are beyond redemption. I hope you just crawl away and never show your face in the household again.”

      What a bunch of wankers with no sense of proportion of perspective…but of course! They’re bicyclists!

  15. Anonymous Wanker

    I went through a similar 2 year period while I was in grad school; going from getting my first road bike to competing at collegiate nationals 18 months later. Everything I did was entirely legal: loading on nitrates from beet juice (750mL daily for a week), sucking down as much sodium bicarbonate as I could stomach to buffer the lactic acid in my muscles, caffeine pills pre race, Optygen to aide recovery and other idiotic but legal shit. It’s easy to get sucked into it, I never made any money racing and didn’t really even win; I just wanted to see how far my body would go. Now I actually have a job, so I’m pushing 70% of my old wattage and relegated to the middle of the Cat 3’s. I still race because it’s a way to allow myself to be okay with losing. You can be the strongest in the race and completely expend yourself, only to lose due to bad luck or strategy.

    1. Yep. You fall off into the vat of Kook-Aid, and suddenly everything makes sense and is justifiable.

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