August 10, 2012 § 5 Comments

Looks like King of Wankers, David Anthony, started a trend. Two days ago, the next masters professional cyclist to become ensnared in a pee-pee test is Greg Cavanagh, Canadian Dude You’ve Never Ever Fucking Heard Of. Greg tested positive for “testosterone,” according to this news release, which is probably not exactly right because everyone has testosterone. It’s kind of like saying he tested positive for “blood.”

Since the busted masters professional cyclist will be a part of our landscape for years to come, I’ve taken matters into my own hands with the following public service. Instead of forcing these poor clods to write their own apologies (Cavanagh hilariously said, without apologizing, that he would now “retire” from masters racing), I’ve drafted some form letters that any doper can use to tell the world how he feels about being caught.

Which kind of doper are you?

First, you’ll need to decide what kind of doper you are before selecting the proper form. Pick your form, circle the words that best express how you feel, and send off to your national anti-doping agency, post on your blog, or send to your mom.

1. Repentant doper letter of apology and deepest most profound expression of sorrow, humiliation, and regret

Dear [Teammates/Family/World/God]:

I am profoundly sorry for [doping/cheating/lying/stealing/spending my wife’s boobjob money on EPO]. I realize that I have [deceived/betrayed/offended/embarrassed] everyone [in my life/at my office/on my Cat 4 dev team]. The decision to dope was [mine alone/spurred on by foolish delusions/similar to my decision to be an accountant], in that it was . I hope to use this as a way to teach young people about the evils of [doping/cycling/leg shaving].

[Penitently/Horribly Embarrassedly/Suicidally],

Your Name Here

2. Innocent doper letter of pseudo apology that doesn’t admit to anything, really.

Dear [UCI/USADA/Bitch who was responsible for maintaining the doping analyzer]:

It is [unfortunate/shocking/a miscarriage of justice] that my [blood/urine/semen] tested positive for [a prohibited substance/tainted natural food substances/something unknowingly ingested through a herbal remedy/vanishing twin blood profiles]. This [witch hunt/terrible waste of public tax dollars/conspiracy at the highest levels of government] has caused me to [lose my livelihood/lose my constitutional rats/never give up in my quest to find who murdered OJ’s wife]. The quantity of [clenbuterol/testosterone/horse urine] found in my blood is equivalent to dropping a thimbleful of spit into [the Pacific Ocean/a trillion billion gallons of urine/the Crab Nebulae]. I have retained [a top lawyer/a scabby ambulance chaser/ Douchebag Bill] to vindicate my good name, and I look forward to having my [innocence proven/guilt doubted/prison stay be at that place they put Martha Stewart].

[Defensively/Will be Vindicated at Some Point in the Futuredly/Nobly]

Your Name Here

3. Defiant doper letter of contempt

Dear Wankers:

Sure I got busted for [84% hematocrit/driving a bus nicknamed “Pharm-on-Wheels”/selling PED’s to Little Leaguers]. So the fuck what? You hypocrites couldn’t get out of bed in the morning without [Xanax/vodka/an amphetamine enema]. You create a race that is harder than [crossing Australia on a pogo stick/hang gliding to the moon/chess] and ask me to do it without [drugs/lots of drugs/more fucking drugs than all the crack houses in Detroit]? You want me to play by the rules when your own UCI and USA Cycling are crookeder than [a dog’s hind leg/the mortgage-backed securities industry/a Cat 5 bunch sprint]? Yeah, right. I’ll do my two year suspension, and then I’ll [never race again/ride for RadioShack or Team Sky/become a personal trainer]. So FOAD.


Your Name Here

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