Wankmeister cycling clinic #12: Wazzup with Lance?
August 25, 2012 § 19 Comments
Dear Wankmeister:
I’m not a cycling fan because it’s so boring. Riding bicycles? For a living? But I read that Lance Armstrong got busted for doping even though he passed 500 piss and blood tests and is the most tested athalete in the history of sport. WTF?
Curiosity-like,
Rover
Dear Rover:
He is the victim of a witch hunt. This where people hunt for witches, which don’t exist in the real world. So they find an ugly old lady with a droopy bosom and scraggly hair, call her a witch, and then put her on a giant wooden scales with a duck to see if she floats like a piece of wood in water or sinks. Then they burn her. Have you ever seen shirtless Lance Armstrong? Major droopy bosom. No scraggly hair, but a pretty scraggly face. Ergo witch. Now they’re going to burn her. Him. It.
Salem (means “peace” in Hebrew)
Wankmeister
Dear Wankmeister:
I’m a Harvard-educated attorney who specializes in personal jurisdiction. It’s absurd for USADA to claim that they had jurisdiction over this matter. Pennoyer v. Neff.
Case restingly,
Natty Turnbull
Dear Natty:
The legal issues in this case are exceedingly complex. Please see the handy-dandy chart I’ve devised to help you crack the “code.”
| Legal Issue | Legal Precedent | Legal Outcome |
| Who has the most $? | USADA | USADA wins |
| Who has jurisdiction? | The richer party | USADA wins |
| Is USADA a govt. agency? | They act like one | USADA wins |
| What is the statute of limitations for doping? | Fucking forever | USADA wins |
| Is Lance a douchebag? | Last 20 yrs. of his behavior | Yes |
| Where is Johan Bruyneel? | Never missed a big race | Living in a cave |
| Who gets Lance’s jerseys? | Bjarne Riis: Kept ’em | The only clean team in sports: US Kegel Team |
| What happens to Vaughters et al.? | [Keep a straight face here] | Nothing |
| What’s the evidence that he doped? | [Quit screeching with laughter] | Come on. Really, now. |
First Year Lawyerly,
Wankmeister
Dear Wankmeister:
I’ve been a Livestrong fan since its inception. Now my son Billy is asking me shit like, “Daddy, is Mr. Lance a cheater?” and “Daddy, are you going to quit wearing those cheater bracelets?” and “Daddy, what are you going to do about that big tattoo?”
Chagrinedly,
Roll J. Model
PS: Do you know anyone who would like a couple of crates of really cool yellow bracelets, extra cheap?
Dear Roll:
If you cave on this, your relationship with young Billy is toast. Forever. The best defense is an overwhelming offense. See if you can get him to crack with one of these opening gambits–
- “Son, if you believe he’s a cheater, then you’re calling me a liar for calling Mr. Lance a great champion. Five is kind of young to be living on the streets, isn’t it?”
- “Son, if it’s written in the media it’s a lie. The media are liars, every single one of them, except the ones who refuse to be suckered in by the lies of the media. So who are you with? The liars or your Dad and Mr. Lance? Choose wisely. It’s cold in the winter when you’re living on the streets.”
- “Son, it really hurts to have you say this about me and Mr. Lance. But it’s going to hurt you more when I get through beating your ass with this belt.”
With discipline,
Wankmeister
Dear Wankmeister:
Justice has been done. A terrible cheater and fraud on humanity has been brought to account for his misdeeds. This is the happiest day of my life.
Thankfully,
Tubby Benders (Former hall monitor)
Dear Tubby:
I’m very happy for you. Now please go to Costco. I hear they’re having a 2-for-1 “Get a Life” sale this week. You can borrow my membership card.
Contemptuously,
Wankmeister
Dear Wankmeister:
LA did a lot of good by curing cancer. Shouldn’t that count for something?
Perplexedly,
Freddy Samaritan
Dear Freddy:
Let’s imagine you raped the shit out of a bunch of kids. Then, while you were raping the shit out of them and fucking them up for life, you formed a charity through your famous football job to help displaced children, which also helped you find more kids to rape. After factoring in the good you’d done for those kids you actually helped, do you know what you’d be? A child rapist and a convicted felon. Get it?
Ethically unchallenged,
Wankmeister
Dear Wankmeister:
When can we get back to cycling?
Bored to death with this shit,
Average Joe Cyclist
Dear Average Joe:
Saturday morning at 8:00 AM, Riviera Village, Redondo Beach, California. Life begins again.
Damn straight,
Wankmeister
Cycling in the South Bay 
I wonder if lance’ll be at the crit on Sunday? That’d be awesome… btw, thanks for e’splaning me.
He better be, if he doesn’t want to get made fun of.
What effect do you think this will have on sponsorship?
Also, despite the Lance saga, I was able to enjoy the SMR…and I still plan on racing tomorrow.
Nil. This is a blip on his radar screen; one that angers him, but nonetheless a blip. The possibility that he would be sanctioned for doping was already factored into his sponsorships, much like known risks are factored into stock prices. The beauty (for him) of the long time it took to ban him was that he had years to craft his message. It’s worked perfectly. People vaguely familiar with the drama routinely ask me, “But he never failed a test, right? How can they ban him, then?” and my favorite, “Well, that guy has done a lot of good in this world. He’s helped a heck of a lot of people.”
Unlike Landis, Hamilton et al., who are living out of a tent and trying to figure out how to afford the next can of dogfood, he has structured his true income stream, which is Livestrong, in such a way that it will be modestly affected by this, if at all. There are a lot more people affected by cancer who identify with him in a positive way than there are knowledgeable bike racing fans who’ve followed his career since the early 90’s.
Dopestrong donations were up 2500% yesterday…fuck yeah
He didn’t get the “crime doesn’t pay” memo. Because it does!
“Let’s imagine you raped the shit out of a bunch of kids. ” LOL. So bad it’s hilarious.
Bad, indeed!!!!
Wankster,
What do you think of the allegations he conspired to initiate doping programs on his teams so his teammates could keep up with him? Does chocolate milk count as doping?
He’s already been banned by the Chocolate Milk Anti-Hormone Association of the Milky Way Galaxy and had his chocolate milk titles stripped. Of course, his press release says “My teammates know who drank that milk. My competitors know who drank that milk. I know who drank that milk. And it sure wasn’t Betsy the Milkcow.”
In related news, Eddy Merckx says this: “I can’t believe they say he didn’t drink that milk. He drank it. They had tests. He passed them all. What more could he have done? It’s bad for chocolate milk. It’s bad for cows. It’s bad for everybody.”
Poor Eddy. At least his legend lives on (lives strong?).
I’m not to sure about the company you keep. You do know that Rush used the Sandusky comparison.
It’s mostly company that knows the difference between “to” and “too.” Fourth Grade education and all that.
Hey Mr Lance, how do you like them apples now?
They taste a little bitter.
Tubby Benders, former hall monitor.
Love it. My wife thinks I’m nuts for laughing at my phone. Your best piece yet on the Pharmstrong affair.
Did you see Michael Hiltzik’s piece in the LA Times? It’s a scathing indictment of the “due process” athletes receive from doping authorities.
Thanks. If the only reason your wife things you’re nuts is because you laugh at the phone, you’re sound as a good acorn.
It seems even though USADA think they may have won, once again it was the Lance PR team…
Yes, and he’s just getting started. Control the message, like the football, and you will win.