Armstrong tots expelled from preschool

September 8, 2012 § 16 Comments

After the Chicago Marathon today rejected the 2012 entry application of seven-time Tour de France champion strippee Lance Armstrong, the Good Shepherd Episcopal Church in Austin, Texas, announced that preschoolers Olivia Marie Armstrong (2), and Maxwell Edward Armstrong (3) would be expelled from the church school, effective immediately.

Reverend Bollixy Snead, acting principal of the preschool, announced the institution’s unprecedented step at a press conference held on the steps of the state capitol building. “The Chicago Marathon, sanctioned by U.S.A. Track and Field, is obligated to abide by the anti-doping codes enforced by WADA, USADA, and NASA,” said Reverend Snead. “We felt that as a precautionary measure our church should follow suit. He appears to be a very dangerous man.”

Bewildered classmates speak to national media

Tubby Williams, a classmate and best friend of Maxwell, or “Max,” burst into tears when he heard that he would no longer be able to sit next to his best friend. “But he’s my best fwiend!” wailed Mr. Williams.

Georgina Pettigrew, one of Olivia’s colleagues in the Totties & Potties after-school toilet training class, was similarly distraught. “We was gived a peanut M&M if we poopied in the potty!” she complained. “I wike the gween ones!”

Doping issue polarizes preschooler parents

Disgraced dean of the UT School of Law Larry Sager, whose son Knuckles attends Good Shepherd, was incredulous. “Okay, so they boot him out of some marathon in a freezing Midwestern city that no one lives in unless they have to. I get that. But kicking the tykes out of preschool? It’s guilt by association. They haven’t even started doping yet.”

Mildred Bulges, another parent, sharply disagreed. “Lance Armstrong is a murderer. I read on a Twitter blog Facebook social media thingy that he’s killed more people than Idi Amin. And you know what’s worse? He ruined that poor woman Betsy Andeu’s whole life. Just ruined it.”

A brief scuffle broke out when another parent pointed out that Andreu’s life was ruined long before her battle with Armstrong, as evidenced by the fact that she was already married to a professional cyclist. Said Dave Snibblington, whose son Biffy enjoyed chocolate milk breaks with Maxwell, “That broad married a pro cyclist. How much more of a fucked up life could she have? Come on.”

Cycling journalists weigh in on controversy

Bill Strickland, former Armstrong fanboy and current nuanced reporter of the inimitable complexity of life and cheating, was reached at his ashram and pilates retreat. “Expelling the children?” he asked. “Very gray. Fifty shades of gray, at least.” A muffled fapping sound was heard while he spoke.

Rupert Guinness, former Armstrong fanboy-turned-critic-once-everyone-else-turned-critic, spoke to PVCycling from his local pub. “Who? What? Fuck, I don’t know. Who cares? What does everyone else say I should think?”

Samuel Abt, disinterred from the local cemetery, was momentarily confused when informed of Armstrong’s current status as Tour de France champion strippee. “Well, of course he fooled me, like he fooled everyone. Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.”

Longtime critics of Armstrong David Walsh and Paul Kimmage were reached as they worked their way through the seventy-fifth case of champagne since the USADA decision to strip Armstrong of everything, including his underwear. “‘E’s a murdrer!” roared Kimmage. “A fookin’ murdrer! E’s worse ‘n Stalin ‘n Hitler ‘n Pol Pot ‘n Victoria Principal all rolled into one bloody sausage! E’s killed our byootiful sport! Killed it! An’ his children an’ their children and their children ’til the bloody end of time should bear the mark, aye, the mark of the scarlet beastie cheater doper meanie!”

Walsh, although clearly supportive of the preschool’s decision, was more circumspect. “Clearly, his children are a danger to society simply by having his DNA, not to mention associating with him around the dinner table and such. As I’ve been telling people from day one, the man’s a cheat, but did they listen? Oh, no! ‘Walsh is a crank!’ they said. ‘Walsh is batty!’ they said. ‘Walsh doesn’t wear clean underwear!’ they said. Well, what are they saying now? Eh? Eh? Eh?”

Armstrong has until September 8 to appeal the expulsion. His legal team has indicated they are reviewing their options. According to spokesman Mark Fabiani, “Lance is a fighter. He fought cancer. He fought doping. He fought the Tour. He fought the French. He fought USADA. He knows he won those tours. His competitors know who won those tours. His teammates know who injected those blood bags. Lance’s children have never failed a test. Except that one ABC quiz they sprung on Max last week. And we got that anulled because he had a note from his mom.”

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§ 16 Responses to Armstrong tots expelled from preschool

  • ken hillier says:

    ha! rupert guiness (great name for an aussie pisshead )..phanboy-turned critic-once everybody else turned critic-…thanks wm ..made my day with that one …but no extra penalty for the ha-why-an.shirts he inflicts on us in tv interviews?
    ps luuuurve the blog !

  • Rev says:

    Friggin classic. But why you gotta go after Victoria principal like that? She’s still hot, right?

  • Jeff Miskimins says:

    Your imagination is as big as Texas! And as brilliant as making the break @ Eldo! Ha! Btw, did they really expel those ‘poor’ little children? How could they do such a thing?! Didn’t they cure cancer?

  • Required says:

    Another stroke of genius or possibly madness. Or both.

  • Albacore says:

    To use Dave Snibblington’s quote, “Those kids’ dad is a pro cyclist. How much more of a fucked up life could they have?” I mean c’mon, their dad is Egostrong, that is punishment itself. Leave those kids in school to get their learn on. Otherwise they will attend public school, become delinquents, and be a real drain on society by becoming cyclists or lawyers.

    • Admin says:

      I wish I could editorialize here, but my personal failings in the kid education department are so signal that the sheer hypocrisy of any such commentary would cause the Internet to break.

      When my eldest son was considering college, I strongly urged him to consider Texas. “Why, Dad?”

      “Son, there is more good looking pussy at Texas than in the rest of America put together. That’s why.”

      “But Dad,” he said, “I really want to go to a school with a better academic reputation so I can learn and get a good job.”

      “Son, let me put it to you this way: education or pussy?”

      So he wound up at some fucking Ivy League school. Still not sure where I went wrong. I did my best.

  • […] Won't someone think of the children? Armstrong tots expelled from preschool […]

  • Julie says:

    Hysterical….I hope everyone realizes this is a joke…..

    • Admin says:

      Sadly, many did not. I guess the part about 2 year-olds speaking to national media was too realistic.

  • TedTurbo-R says:

    Luv this crap you’re doing, its pure genius!

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