Wankmeister cycling clinic #13: How to crash properly

Dear Wankmeister:

I recently, as in “today,” crashed while riding through Portuguese Bend. Several of my riding buddies said that I did great because I didn’t break anything or get hit by oncoming traffic or knock anyone else down or get my head run over by the rider behind me. I’m still not sure I did it properly, though.

Perfectionistically,
New Girl

Dear Girl:

You are correct to be concerned. Eyewitnesses say that when you lost control, you flew over the handlebars and did a “superman” onto the pavement, fully extended, smacking the side of your face.

Crashing style points are typically awarded as follows, and generally speaking, faceplants of any type score very low, if at all.

Tuck and Roll, concluding in a full standing position, bike unharmed: 10 points
The Sergio, where the full catastrophe is caught on film, you are twelve feet in the air, and don’t leave the scene in traction: 9 points
Collarbone Crack, where there’s little to no external damage to kit or bike: 8 points
First Day of School, where you crash your new ride on its maiden voyage, but only scratch it: 7 points
Psycho Mike Biketoss, where you flip yourself over the bars from a standing start for no apparent reason, flinging the bike forward so that it clips the recently-mended broken elbow of the rider in front of you without taking him down: 6 points
VeloCenter Warmup Takedown, where you clip the wheel in front of you during a warmup behind the motor and take down seven other riders: 5 points
NPR Glide & Slide, where you take the wide, easy, uncluttered, open turn from Pershing onto the Parkway but nonetheless slide out and torch your bike: 4 points
Canyon Leap, where you ride off a cliff on Piuma going uphill at 4mph because you’re staring at your wattage display: 3 points
Stern-O Pussy Riot, where you flip off a motorist, who flips out and beats up your friends while you stand off to the side and watch: 2 points
Ricky Rocket Garage Crawl, where you beat up the motorist, then run off into a neighborhood hiding in someone’s garage while the police troll the streets looking to charge you with a felony: 1 points
The Frankendave, where most of the face and all frontal teeth are removed on impact: 0 points

Judgingly,
Wankmeister

PS: Glad it’s just scratches and bruises! Heal up!

16 thoughts on “Wankmeister cycling clinic #13: How to crash properly”

  1. “Ricky Rocket Garage Crawl” would better be put into a rating involving
    ~~How to react to harassment from motorists~~ which Ricky Rocket will have more that one entry that is certain.

  2. 🙂 Thanks for the tips, Wank! Perhaps next time I’ll try for a Forward dive with 3 1/2 somersaults in a pike position (although, between you and me, hoping there is not next time…) <3

  3. From my front row seat, it was without a doubt — a Top 10 list’r of great crashes. That said… of that Top 10, I hold 8 of ’em.

    Watching her crawl off the roadway to the gutter was a relief. With about a dozen cars slamming on their brakes to avoid hitting her and the bike.

    First words… “I ruined my kit…”

  4. “I ruined my kit…” Not, “Are my pupils the same size?”, or, “What are the symptoms of internal bleeding?” NG’s tougher than a stick of elk jerky.

  5. Don’t forget the Hockey stop….performed by me on the old pier ride….washout your front wheel in Diesel as you round Fiji heading west… here all you buddies yell “crash!”…unclip your left foot on the way down, push up with all your strength while your Lemond 46” Drop in bars keep keep you off the asphalt, then ride to the front while everyone is slowing to see who crashed…didn’t even scuff my kit. I think that was the only time I ever impressed John Walsh on the bike.

    I”ll let you determine the score.

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