That bumblebee don’t sting

Man the legs feel like crap how’m I gonna get home tonight quit whining maybe I’ll just cut out the bonus climb bullshit and roll slow as possible up VdM what kind of wimp are you you know the route home just do it I can’t do it my legs are destroyed and I’m not even riding hard you liar what is the NPR a cakewalk okay but no high mileage why’m I so wrecked because of your stupid diet this diet is killing me one day I’m conquering Mars and today I’ve got wet noodles for pistons ugh this bump by the high school feels terrible why is everyone bailing on Saturday’s ‘cross race because it’s in sand and lots of running I’m going to win that race you watch you haven’t won a race since 1986 unless you count Brad’s hill climb that wasn’t a race time trials aren’t races there he is that’s the first time I’ve thought about Ian today why’d he do it he could have called just one phone call he did call remember and you blew him off he never said anything about dying you knew you always know this part on Emerald is always the worst fuck my legs are awful today I’m just going straight up VdM no you’re not at least do the descent and Cove climb then decide can’t believe that I’m just a handful of points out of the top ten in the series that’s stupid I can’t even do a race without falling off my bicycle well it’s ‘cross right there ain’t no hundred-man fields in ‘cross or Meeker yeah no Meeker or Leibert or Anderson or Thurlow or any of the other sixty dudes who cross the line ahead of you on the road what’s that bitch think she’s doing it’s a stop sign you fool who’s the fool you’ve run the last seven of them is this a fricking headwind on Esplanade no way I’m just going up VdM no Cove or Embarcadero or Zumaya and sure as hell no Crest descent by Ralph’s and a re-climb finish on Whitley-Collins no way in hell shut up just shut up and pedal how can my legs feel this bad you wanna know it’s because you’re not fueling properly without the fuel the engine won’t run man she is hot even in pitch black she’ is smokin’ hot okay this is gonna hurt I hate this climb out of Rat Beach why don’t people surf at night because they can’t see the waves that’s why well what about some big spotlights for night surfing sell hot dogs and hot coffee and please shut up you’re delirious okay gonna go into my 25 and only nose breathe no mouth breathing damn I’m slow the first thing I’m gonna do when I get home is eat a ton of food no you’re not you’re going to eat exactly 300 grams of spaghetti with one tablespoon of olive oil and some garlic and a low cal salad that’s what you’re gonna eat quit whining you’ve parked the needle on 150 if you don’t give up now you’ll drive it down to 145 and then you can go into maintenance mode eat more then but you’re sticking to it now what’s the point of starving myself to get slower and weaker you’re not getting slower or weaker you’re just a tired whiny quitter man up and keep turning the pedals ouch that’s over okay VdM for sure no you’re gonna bail on VdM just go down and up the Cove climb just do it fuckit okay this is fast whoa I hate this outrunning the light anything in my way and I’m done there’s nothing in your way hog the lane okay made it now I swear I’m just going up in my 25 that’s all I got man those surfers are just finishing up there’s never any trash by the road here that’s PVE for you even the surf bums don’t toss their cigarettes this hurts shit this hurts nose breathe don’t go through the mouth I’m choking it’s so quiet out here nothing except my panting and never any cars I could be in the left lane and no one would know or care it’s funny these big rich palatial mansions and the lights are dark and the roads are empty all this beautiful real estate unused except for a few huddled surfers afraid to litter and a biker with broken legs wouldn’t it be cool if this whole area was multi-use housing with people on the streets and lights and parks and kids fuck that’ll never happen this is PVE this is what the rich like to own and have and keep and wall off and not use and die and leave it to their kids to have and keep and wall off and not use and leave it to their kids that’s the cycle of the rich done okay that wasn’t so bad liar it was awful yeah it was don’t let that idiot hit you now just cruise it no way I’m doing Zumaya okay but you’re going up Hawthorne then I hate Hawthorne those are your options Zumaya or Hawthorne devil’s dilemma okay it’s Hawthorne I hate that climb but it’s the quickest way home what about Embarcadero no way no way no way okay what about the Crest descent and reclimb by Ralph’s no way no way no way you can’t completely bail you gotta burn a few extra cals for that half a banana you’re going to eat with the yogurt okay then right on Crest but NO Whitley-Collins and I’m setting a new slow speed record up Hawthorne you watch I’m so done I don’t know how I’m getting home that asshole almost ran me over Jesus can’t he see my rear tail light and I’m not doing the Lunada Bay alley either fine just don’t hit anything here on Paseo and switch to high beam you’re outrunning the light again yeah but the high beam drains too quickly and then I’ve no light at all just run it for Paseo you’re going 35 now at least yep funny how David was so disappointed inconsolable to get second I’d give my eye teeth for second he really comes to win and he couldn’t be cheered but then when he found out his teammate got third he was as happy as if he’d won what a good guy that dude is a badass when are they gonna figure out what a mistake it was to put you on the team you wanker fuck I know pretty embarrassing oh well that’s cycling to perpetually show you how you don’t measure up it’s like golf just cheaper and worse accidents alright there Lunada Bay done now just steady to the light up Hawthorne and you can eat it’s just right up there what the fuck is that whoa dude what’s your problem fucker just sprinted by me and didn’t say a word didn’t say hello and he’s sprinting what’s he sprinting for damn that’s a bright headlight he’s just trying to show me how lame I am hell I know how lame I am he’s not even close to making that light he just blew by me so he could blow by me what a wanker to hell with him to hell with my legs I’ll catch up to him don’t do it that dude is fresh and aggro and he’s turning left on Hawthorne when the light changes and if you catch up to him you’ll be on his wheel and he’ll punish you and drop you and if your legs feel awful now wait until you’re a minute into the climb nah I gotta see who that is whoa what a wanker what the fuck is that yellow and black Hincapie stuff he looks like a frickin bumblebee the only person could ever pull off black and yellow was Prez and even he looked like the Pillsbury insect in it I’m gonna roll by slowly and say hi whoa dude ignored me fuck you dude too good to say hi sprint past me and too good to say hi to hell with him maybe it’s my pink socks nah he’s just a kook fine grab his wheel and sit ’til he drops you don’t put up with that bs that’s total bs never seen this dude before man he’s a night rider he’s got some legs and not an ounce of fat crap I shouldn’t be here he’s not very big so he’s going to climb like a beast he’s already climbing like one but his legs are just a bit short so maybe he’s not that good no he’s killing you now don’t let him hear your breathing he’s riding Di2 and that kit looks stupid but he’s blowing some coin on the nice rig and shaved legs and the Quark and the hard core lightweight night riding light system brakes are spotless look like new tires so he’s a detail dude he knows this climb perfectly oh dog he’s hearing me gasp he can’t be stronger than Kev just pretend you’re doing intervals with Kev and Davy and Lonergan up to the light you hung on with Kev you can hang on with this impolite rudester don’t crack ah hell I’m cracking no not tonight you gotta crack your legs were done when you started he can’t be superman just hang ’til the light and if he’s still got the juice sit up you can’t hang at this speed when the jack up comes he’s motionless perfect form and not showing any effort he’s killing me what a jerk if he starts to tire it’ll be in the shoulders or maybe his sides just a little twitch and sway, just a tiny bit and he’s human please nope solid as a rock this is killing me hang on wanker just a half-k to the light this hurts hey what’s that his right shoulder moved a little is that possible yep now the left just a twitch just a slight wobble he’s using his shoulders okay motherfucker I’ve got you now when we hit the light you better stand and dust me off there’s no way he’ll accelerate at the light there’s the shoulder again and my headlight shining right through his shorts man I can see up into his small intestine this fricking hurts Ian why’d you go without saying goodbye at least you could have say goodbye not some cold dead note why didn’t you say goodbye whoa what the hell is that the legs are coming around is that possible it is possible breathe deep he’s got a steady rocking going now he’s mine there’s the light it’s green awesome oh hell he’s standing up and accelerating no way who the hell is this guy hey he’s standing and pushing but he’s going slower chew on this motherfucker I ought to sit and wait but I’m not waiting chew on this you sonofabitch crap he’s on my wheel that didn’t phase him now I’m pushing the wind don’t sit down you’ve got the levers it’s all about leverage now don’t go into the red double exhale and hold the pedal at threshold how can I tell if it’s threshold without a power meter or HRM you know what I mean dummy keep it at pain-plus-two his light’s right there now he’s looking up your colon you smartass don’t feel so tough now do you relax keep the gas on whoa what’s that he’s breathing and he’s breathing hard oh little bumblebee where’s your sting it hurts now don’t it or is that your breathing idiot you’re the one gasping you’re right it is me his light is right there here’s the steepest part boom don’t look back boom keep the levers going boom don’t look back don’t ever even let him know you know or care he exists even though he’s your universe your Dog your galaxy your philosophy the center of your being don’t let him know you know or care boom keep the gas on there chew on that bumblebee where’s your stinger now did you lose it on the steep part oh yes he’s unhitched the light on the inside of my rim from his front beam is fading he’s done now pain-plus-three and put a couple of football fields between us boom done gone man this diet is working I’ve never felt this good after feeling so bad don’t ease up take the right on Crest and keep the gas on to Highridge and you’re home boom it’s dark again no cars nothing I can hear myself it’s so quiet take a peek back nope nothing he’s gone a different zip code county country of origin go upload that to Strava you wanker if only you’d said hello.

28 thoughts on “That bumblebee don’t sting”

  1. “whereas introspection does nothing else but (re)integrate us into the level of our social values, psychoanalytic self-analysis offers us the opportunity of a radical change in our inner and outer being from the perspective of a reevaluation of these social values .”

  2. Running Cyclist

    A fucking catharsis! I felt like I did the ride myself. Minus the, uh, actual fatigue and feeling of satisfaction. Guess I’ll still have to keep doing this on my own.

  3. Wow – that was great – i must have ADD because i kept getting lost without the punctuation lol – but i never give up – you are a riot – i am exploring all the calorie count apps – hey, it’s a start – only one tablespoon of olive oil? that’s not enough to wet your noodle, WM? – have fun tomorrow!

    1. Don’t know. Short Asian dude? Can’t tell from this link what time he was riding…but it was Wednesday night.

  4. Nice post and you covered so much ground that you’ve talked about before. Have to say after reading it I kept hearing: “Charlie don’t surf and that bumble bee don’t sting!” Not rhyming couplets, though.

  5. Just brilliant.

    How the fuck did you remember all of that? Looks like a brain dump after one of my own rides. Well done, man!

  6. FU WM!!

    And thank you! Loved reading the stream of consciousness like my own rides. (love it when that turns off, too). Today, you were in my head along with my two voices, the one that says, “yes, push harder, do that climb” and the one that says, “Not today, go on by, enough, head on home” etc. Today, the “soft” voice got outvoted 2-1 on everything in my head, thanks to your voice. From your blog, you motivated me to go do the Ralph’s climb up Crest all the way from Panorama at the very bottom, and of course, had to go up and do Whitley Collins. Instead of the usual glance over at La Cueste, had to turn and climb up. Did the Lunada Bay alley instead of staying up high, and at the end of the ride, instead of just heading home, had to peel off and sprint around the little known and much avoided Starbucks Crit Loop circle. Wanted to quit twice on just that loop, but just thought of your pain +3 comment and pushed on hard. So, like your ride, I realized I had more in the tank that just needed to be coaxed out, and hope to ride with many more of your rides on this blog, and have you on more of mine! (either real or imagined…).

    1. That’s so awesome, Tim. What a killer course! Hope you had some good post-ride fuel to replenish the tank! So glad that you took the hard way…that’s always the best one. Kudos!

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