Wankmeister cycling clinic #15: Secret training

December 5, 2012 § 11 Comments

Dear Wankmeister:

Everybody is getting fitter and faster, but when I ask them what they’re doing, they say, “Nothing,” or “Just chilling with base miles,” or “Taking time off the bike.” How can that be? When I take time off the bike I eat Cheetos by the kilo and gain, like, ten pounds a day. What’s the deal here? Are they telling the truth?

E. A. Poe

Dear Edgar:

Are they cyclists? Are they talking about their training? Then they’re LYING. This is the time of year when everyone has a double secret probation training plan formulated by their Olympic coach. It includes weight loss, weight training, intervals, and long miles at medium intensity. Plus a new bike, a new gym membership, new team kits, and the latest “secret weapon,” which is protein replenishment during the ride.

Don’t worry, though. The same guys will still win all the same races. And you, Edgar, will still suck. So enjoy the Cheetos.


Dear Wankmeister:

Prez says that Rapha is the Prada of cycling. What is Prada?

R. Lauren

Dear R.:

Prada is Italian for “Go to the front and take a fucking pull, you wanker!” Isn’t Italian concise? Rapha-wearers like the Goose-Man NEVER go to the front and NEVER take a pull because they’re already wearing Rapha, which makes it just as if they “took a pull.” Cool, huh?


Dear Wankmeister:

How exactly is weight training going to make me faster? I don’t fancy blowing money on a gym membership. Plus, I got a weak back.

Doubting Danny

Dear Danny:

Weight training has been proven time and time again to make people better cyclists. After a month in the gym you will hate the oily ‘roid dealers, the urine soaked smell of all the benches, the gooey smears of other people’s sweat on the mats, and the narcissistic mirror-preening so much that you’ll do anything to avoid the weights, including ride your bike. So you’ll be getting in huge miles by trying to avoid the gym, which will make you faster.


Dear Wankmeister:

I’ve religiously followed the Wankmeister Hunger Diet during the off-season and have lost forty pounds. But I’m afraid I’m going to cave during the food-and-drink overdose of the holidays. Advice?

Writing on the Walledly,
Douggie Doomsday

Dear Douggie:

Oh my Dog, I can’t believe you took any of that diet crap seriously. I was joking. That diet will kill you. Start your holiday binge NOW!

Panicked about the lawsuitedly,

Dear Wankmeister:

I tried ‘cross this winter because you said it would help me when crit season started. So far I’ve broken three ribs, been hospitalized twice, and torched two brand new frames. What do you say now?

Dudley Do-Right

Dear Dudley:

Sounds like you’re ready to give up cycling any day now. See? It’s working!


§ 11 Responses to Wankmeister cycling clinic #15: Secret training

  • JP says:

    lol! Couldn’t ask for anything better to read during my morning log burial.

  • I actually own a vintage Crow bicycle. It has secret compartments for hashish and opium and a handlebar mounted laudanum cage. I pedal it to creep crits and laugh in an odd manner whenever something weird happens, which is pretty frequent at bicycle events.



    • Admin says:

      The ultimate secret training! Har!

      Back in the old days, the Violet Crown boys just carried the joints in their jersey pockets and smoked them every time we went over a low water crossing on a dirt road. Amazing how many of those there were when you started looking for one.

      I never smoked, for the record.

  • joey de munk says:

    RE; Dudley Do-Right – sounds like you’re exactly ready for crit season

  • Stefanovich says:

    It’s called rest for a reason….

  • scott says:

    My training is so secret, I don’t even know if it happening.

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