Wankmeister cycling clinic #17: coaching assistance for the New Year
January 11, 2013 § 13 Comments
Dear Wankmeister:
Every year I buy the updated version of Joe Friel’s training bible, re-up with Training Peaks, subscribe to a new set of Hunter Allen’s power-based training plans, and hire the services of a cycling-specific nutritionist.
And every year I still suck.
So instead of blowing my Christmas gift money on charlatans and fraudsters, I thought I’d hit up a fraudster like you because you’re, like, free.
What I need are New Year resolutions to improve my cycling.
Wankmeister, help me!
In extremis,
Puddly Piddles
Dear Puddly:
Ride more.
Succinctly,
Wankmeister
Dear Wankmeister:
I know you knocked off the booze couple of years ago, and except for a couple of one-off drinks you’ve been dry as a bone. I don’t have a “drinking problem,” but I do drink a lot, I mean, like, a case of beer before dinner and a case for dessert. If I quit drinking, what changes can I expect? Will my cycling performance improve?
Staggeringly,
Sammy Swillsabunch
Dear Sammy:
If you quit drinking, I guarantee that you are sober. Will your cycling performance improve? No.
Bluntly,
Wankmeister
Dear Wankmeister:
I’ve been totally following your South Bay Biker Hunger Starvation Diet From Hell Diet it is awesome I would love to do it but it sounds so terrible that I’ve been putting it off like flossing. Now that you’ve done the self-guinea pig thing I have a zillion questions about how it’s affected your cycling performance I don’t even know where to begin you’ve lost a ton man that’s awesome I bet you climb like Lucien van Armstrong now huh?
Frothingly,
Tommy Tubbs
Dear Tommy:
The only thing you will get from my diet, or any other, is hungry.
Gnawingly,
Wankmeister
Dear Wankmeister:
I know this is off the topic, but what do you think about Lance and Oprah and the whole confession thing? Pretty crazy, huh?
Starstricken,
Sella Britty
Dear Sella:
Yes.
So over Lancedly,
Wankmeister
Cycling in the South Bay 
Dear WM,
My old friend Joe Bell and I have a training regimen that seems to work.
Pretty simple really…no need for any computers, powertaps, coaches, etc. Even works good with the Ron Skarin method of using steel wheels
for training:
Go really hard up a long climb twice a week, until you see the guy in the white robe up ahead at the end of the tunnel. Back off and wipe the blood from your ears.
Good luck.
Old school.
Or until the giant black spots blot out all else.
Old School doesn’t begin to describe it. But..read on…in 1986, in December, I was ‘issued’ a Pogliaghi, Columbus XLS, and a complete Mavic Group with two sets of wheels…7 speed, baby~! I was the shit, you know? Most of the spokes on both the rear wheels broke during races in 1987. Now I know that that cheap ass french club I belonged to (I lived outside of Dublin) couldn’t afford anything else, and I was damn lucky to get what I got. Sold that creature a couple of years ago, but still ride 14 speed steel…with good wheels….just can’t seem to break down and spend $$ on a new anything. Kids have grown, I have gained weight (again) and now I think it is probably true that more miles make a bigger difference…am I right, or do I need to buy something more at my LBS than tires, tubes and tape? Do they have a category for 55+ fat masters (I could even manage toe clips and exposed brake cables, if required).
Nothing will help once you become old, fat, and slow. That’s at triple redundancy.
Riding more will not do anything other than make you hungrier, which will make you eat more.
New things will, however, give you something to talk about that’s more recent than 1986. This is of minor benefit to you, but inestimable benefit to your significant other, riding buddies, etc.
A carbon bike will also unleash a flood of “told ya’s” from your buddies, which is likewise great smacktalk fodder.
Dear Wankmeister, Ive been out of this whole cycling thing for a decade. My ducati has been a much more thrilling hobby and required much less panting like an old horse with the heaves… But now that Ive dusted off that ancient titanium dura ace thingy Im noticing that Im just not “with it” anymore. In fact one comment I recieved was “wow that was bitchin in the 90’s” and the..”is that polished aluminum?”. So Im wondering if I spend 4 grand on a new plastic bike with 105’s, will I be cool again? And if so will it make me faster?
Your fellow blue hair,
Dan
You are cool beyond words riding old shit. Nothing is cooler than old shit. You do need a major wardrobe upgrade. Talk with Joe Yule so your style will be complete.
If you have to go plastic, choose a max $ amount, then tack on $5k for Campy electric and pay for it by bailing on the kids’ braces. Their teeth or your chic? No-brainer.
Faster is in your constellation with a few injections and capsules.
Good seeing you Sunday!
Dear Wankmeister,
Every year I battle mediocrity and every year that bitch pounds my dick into the dirt. I say, “Next year is my year, just you watch. I’m gonna diet, do yoga, consult with a shaman, read every book, watch every video, climb every road to the clouds, interval every flat, piss on every down, get a powermeter, heart rate monitor, carbon componentry, aero skinsuit, blood test, lactate threshold test, hire a nutritionist, herbalist, acupuncturist, masseuse, soigneur, and coach. I’m gonna snatch that dominatrix’s whip and crack it on her ass. I’m gonna look down on you from the podium.” Every year I battle through the ranks to finish an impressive middle-pack. If racing were a bell curve I’d finally be on top.
Perhaps I just need to find my niche. Raced downhill — average. Raced XC — also-ran. Raced singlespeed — on the fringe. Raced ultra-marathon-endurance — endless hours of loserdom. Triathlon — top 100 of 200. Half-marathon — top 400 of 800. Maybe it’s time to wax all body hair, tuck my nuts in, buy some skinny jeans and designer t-shirts, and try crit racing.
A friend of mine started his own coaching business last year. Talking with him this year I noticed his rates increased by 50%. Why the jump in price? “I working with CTS now,” he explained.
“Does that include a masked doping program?” I inquired. “I’m in.”
“Yes, and a team of lawyers and a ball gag. It’s called the Omerta plan.”
So my plan for this year is to follow the WM Cycling Clinic. If history repeats itself and I find my results on page 2 I’ll chalk it up to “you get what you pay for.”
I need a ball gag. After I stop laughing.
What the fuck is a ball gag?
WM…search youtube for bring out the gimp. That will explain everything. My legal team says I can not be held liable.
I’m going to summer (well, spring/summer/fall) in the desert at 5k altitude in a foreign country that no cyclist would go to on purpose. Oh, and I’m not taking a bike. Should be fun, as long as I stay away from the mortar and rocket explosions. On the up side, I’ve never lost less than 25lbs any of the other times I’ve gone there. Wish me luck, Wanky!
Stay safe. Sending good thoughts your way.
Thanks, and I will. I’ll keep reading here, of course. Since the Capt went mainstream, you’re the only source of cycling humor on the webz.