The dreaded Lance post

January 16, 2013 § 58 Comments

Folks, the only way to move on is to just move on.

The longer you stop and gape, the longer you will remain mired where you are, knee-deep in gore at the scene of the train wreck.

He’s larger than life.

He’s a caricature of a distortion.

And he holds you, still, in his thrall.


Because you let him.

So enjoy this last TV drama with your best buddies and your favorite pizza. Curse or yell or laugh or cry.

And then, just as you’ve let him occupy you…let him go.

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§ 58 Responses to The dreaded Lance post

  • David Jones says:

    Gotta watch, if only to understand the spin he puts onto it.
    Maybe to educate those who might not have the complete back story. But not really sure I want to put forth the effort for those people that don’t understand that Cycling is so much more than the Tour de France. But gotta watch, it is part of the process, finding closure.

    • Admin says:

      I’ve sworn a blood oath to move on. After Thursday. Maybe.

    • Admin says:

      I’m not looking for closure. There is no closure with that guy. He will be on the attack until he dies. What I’m looking for is something that’s not so stale, predictable, and, well, fun.

  • Brian in VA says:

    I wondered about this, whether I want to watch or not. And
    I realize I, too, my find closure in this in order to move on.
    Either that or it’s just another car wreck that I’m driving past; I
    can’t not look.

    • Admin says:

      Of course you want to watch. We all do. And we will.

      It’s what we do after that that matters…

  • Rick Kent says:

    It’s gonna be good viewing Wanky. We may have some big big
    surprises like actual apologies. I bet there are odds makers in
    London taking bets on if or if not certain words or phrases get
    used and two of the words are “Emma” and “Betsy”. I bet against on
    Emma with $ on Betsy if somegbody’ll give me 10/1 😉

    • Admin says:

      Whatever he says or does, it will be full-on. He will be entertaining and fascinating and an endless source of speculation FOREVER. That’s just how he is.


      I’m moving on!

      After this one last hit. Really.

  • Running Cyclist says:

    Not watching. New year, time to move on. Except I just read
    this. Damn! He got me again. Will do intervals on the trainer today
    as penance.

  • pdehlke says:

    A bully is only sorry when there’s nothing left and no one
    to turn to. I’ll watch, and look for real contrition. Oprah won’t
    know enough to ask about Simeoni, but if he’s genuinely sorry, it
    will come up.

    • Admin says:

      How many times can we watch the same story before we get bored?

      For me, my limit is 4,353,200. That’s the most I can listen to or read about Lance before moving on. So, like, after Thursday, I’m outta here.

      He’s been stripped. He’s been whipped. Now he’ll rebuild.

      It’s what winners do.

      But I don’t have to pay any more attention. Ich habe die Nase voll von ihm. Or something like that…

  • craig b. hummer says:

    He gave everyone such an intense Cycling High, he’s like
    ‘crack’- we were all immediately hooked, and you can’t say ‘no’ to
    the urge to go back and hope for one last bump…LOL.

  • 14808Osage says:

    He was always very talented and tenacious but always still
    quite evidently a pendejo. On a level playing field he probably
    would have done at least as well as he did- of course we’ll never
    know. That said, I have no taste for celebrophagia.

    • dan martin says:

      Lance worked it like no other. He took it all the way to the bank. Yea he cheated…who didnt?…He was just the best at it. Thats why he was the Patron for many years. The Patron role does not include being a nice guy. It means you have to be an asshole. Its a role Lance filled perfectly. I expect nothing less of his performance on Oprah.

      • Admin says:

        After tomorrow, I’m following the 12 Steps that they teach at LanceAnon.

        One pedal stroke at a time.

    • Admin says:

      Which is remarkably similar to coprophagia, only nastier.

  • Peter Schindler says:

    Thank you. Great article in USA Today. The gist, Lance is not sorry he cheated, he is sorry he got caught.

  • Big R says:

    I’m going to market and sell the “Lance Patch”. It is designed to wean people off of an addiction to megalomaniac, serial sociopaths possessing all of the testosterone than one nut can muster.

  • matt smith says:

    It’s a real life soap opera. It may sound overly pessimistic, but I think this is fun. I fully understand that this is reality and it’s people’s lives. However, this is hilarious. Lance isn’t even a real person, he’s such an over-the-top character. He’s almost like Harvey Dent. It’s fantastic. I’ll watch and then move on. I’m more concerned with the local ‘cross scene than I am the pro peloton. cheers!

  • Christopher Lotts says:

    I respectfully disagree; one does not merely move on. We neither “move on” after 9/11 nor do we move on after children have been molested. While these examples are extreme, what Lance has done to other human beings pales to what he’s done to this sport; this is not a speeding ticket where Traffic School allows its dismissal – that is moving on. He didn’t just dope, he either destroyed or made concerted efforts to destroy those who were honest & truthful. For that, he does not get a Hall Pass.

    • Admin says:

      I moved on after 9/11 and lots of other things besides.

      Everyone who wants to enjoy the drama, or enjoy the entertainment, or seek further retribution, or watch him work his way back, or comment/analyze/angrify/defend/or whatever else they want to do, can! And will!

      Me? I’m movin’on! Just like this, and not a moment too soon!

  • Usta Befit says:

    Oprah & Lance are going to keep you on the hook a little longer Wanky….now a two part interview that will air on Fri. too…do you think Cloddhopper will have us over again?

  • Robert Efthimos says:

    As a Norcal native and die-hard Warriors fan, I have thoroughly enjoyed this season of Schadenlakerfreude. That has now given way to Schadenlancefreude. Next up: Schadenmcquaidfreude and Schadenverbruggenfreude!

  • I’m just curious to know if he changes my current opinion of him. I’m doubtful.

  • Ward Thompson says:

    Cry? I cried in 1967 when my hero, Tom Simpson died using drugs in the TDF. Poof went my aspirations of becoming a pro cyclist but it has never dampened my love of the bike. I pitty all the druggies, they have to live with themselves.

  • JP says:

    But….but….he never tested positive right?

  • The Fred Hunter says:

    I’m calling it for what it is. And disclaiming “is” as what it is for me.

    There are two phases to Lance Armstrong: Then and After Then.

    From 1999 to 2005 Lance was our cycling hero. A brash American putting a stomping on the rest of the peloton. Like everyone else I was happiest when Lance attacked and won. Was it obvious (at the time) that he was doping? Of course…but I, like everyone else, didn’t want to believe it. It had been thirty years since my last real hero (I still believe in you, Bunny-wunny, even if a lowly dog was able to shred you), and it was high time for another. If delusion was required, then so be it. So Lance Then was Lance the hero – our hero. Someone to root for, get excited about, and be inspired by. Even if he was a known douche.

    That was Then. After Then (sometime between now and Lance’s first retirement) was Lance the entertainer. Folks, it has now become theater – nothing more, nothing less. Acknowledge this. I thank you, Mr. Armstrong, for providing me more entertainment and amusement than I ever expected from you, and for reinventing yourself while maintaining your identity as a douchebag. Now there’s some integrity.

    So it is what it is – entertainment, amusement, and every bit as emotion evoking as his cycling exploits, albeit different emotions. People pay lots of money to see lesser, fictional drama, and here’s Lance, serving it up for free – again. So I, like every other cycling dork, absolutely, positively will watch, and will enjoy the spectacle that Lance will provide. And continue to provide. Thank you, Lance, you are an inspiration. And a terminal douchebag.

    By the way, if you’re stuck in the Lance “Then” mode, you need help. Lots of it. And stay away from cults – you are highly susceptible.

    Now, to more important things – what games to play with your cycling buddies during the interview? Please submit your best suggestions. So far, we have:

    When Lance says “cancer”:
    1. Throw a tissue at the screen whenever Lance says “cancer”

    When Lance says “I”
    1. Put a poster of Lance on the wall. Provide guests with darts. Hurl darts when Lance says “I”. Closest dart to eyeball wins.

    If Lance says “I was forced to make decisions I didn’t want to” (or similar)
    1. ??

    You get the idea – please share your best.

    • Admin says:

      My favorite game will be the one I start playing on Friday morning: Never talking or writing about it again.

      • Robert Efthimos says:

        Never is a long time. And there looks to be more to come – the UCI and Thomas Weisel being the most likely to tumble next. The system needs to be purged and this is all part of the process.

        • Admin says:

          The system can do what the system’s gonna do, but it’ll be doing it without my precious two cents!

          Anybody wants to know what I think after tonight, you can tell them “He thinks you should ride your bike.”

    • loosewheels says:

      Re: “Closest dart to eyeball wins” — Eyeball singular? At least his uniball theme is consistent.

  • loosewheels says:

    We’re having a Duperbowl party tonight. Sorry the Great and Wonderful O is making it a 2-day splinterview. I heard Floyd Landis was tentatively booked to do pole dancing (wearing only a whistle) at halftime.

    • Admin says:

      It will be a big, giant pfffffffft.

      But I’ll get to hang with Clodhopper at his palatial villa!

  • loosewheels says:

    All I have to say about le intervriew is FUCK. Pharmstrong had a chance to save the sport tonight but, instead, he destroyed it. Normally, I’d have a lot more to say but I need to smash all my racing bikes flat with a sledge hammer tonight as a matter of urgency. Fuck him.

    • Admin says:

      As of today, my only comment regarding this matter is as follows: “Go ride your bicycle.”

  • Dan says:

    I would have to ask oprah why she wasnt as hard on douchestrong as she was on james frey (million little peices).she tore that poor guy a new asshole on tv. Guess that is me siding with REAL drug addicts again. They are my people. Takes one to know one if you know what i mean.
    Love ya wanker

    • Admin says:

      All future comments by me on this topic: Go ride your bike!

      And have a great year in 2013 while you’re at it!

  • Mark Shinnick says:

    Not sure why the dwelling – its fair to assume he would be just as great under any system.

    Lance’s own incidental corruption is completely the wrong focus. It was the corrupted system that kept him protected and in-play so long as the money for itself was good.

    Lance is a recently chewed-up bit player in a old very deeply corrupted system well established as the only game in town. If he wanted to cycle competitively in the first place, those were already the unspoken rules of the system…this was not his corruption to begin with.

    • Admin says:

      My advice to everyone concerned with this matter, including the principal himself, is thus: “Go ride your bike.”

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