The dreaded Lance post
January 16, 2013 § 58 Comments
Folks, the only way to move on is to just move on.
The longer you stop and gape, the longer you will remain mired where you are, knee-deep in gore at the scene of the train wreck.
He’s larger than life.
He’s a caricature of a distortion.
And he holds you, still, in his thrall.
Because you let him.
So enjoy this last TV drama with your best buddies and your favorite pizza. Curse or yell or laugh or cry.
And then, just as you’ve let him occupy you…let him go.
Gotta watch, if only to understand the spin he puts onto it.
Maybe to educate those who might not have the complete back story. But not really sure I want to put forth the effort for those people that don’t understand that Cycling is so much more than the Tour de France. But gotta watch, it is part of the process, finding closure.
I’ve sworn a blood oath to move on. After Thursday. Maybe.
I’m not looking for closure. There is no closure with that guy. He will be on the attack until he dies. What I’m looking for is something that’s not so stale, predictable, and, well, fun.
I wondered about this, whether I want to watch or not. And
I realize I, too, my find closure in this in order to move on.
Either that or it’s just another car wreck that I’m driving past; I
can’t not look.
Of course you want to watch. We all do. And we will.
It’s what we do after that that matters…
It’s gonna be good viewing Wanky. We may have some big big
surprises like actual apologies. I bet there are odds makers in
London taking bets on if or if not certain words or phrases get
used and two of the words are “Emma” and “Betsy”. I bet against on
Emma with $ on Betsy if somegbody’ll give me 10/1 😉
Whatever he says or does, it will be full-on. He will be entertaining and fascinating and an endless source of speculation FOREVER. That’s just how he is.
I’m moving on!
After this one last hit. Really.
Not watching. New year, time to move on. Except I just read
this. Damn! He got me again. Will do intervals on the trainer today
Penance is good. The Pirates of Penzance is better.
Now that is funny!
A bully is only sorry when there’s nothing left and no one
to turn to. I’ll watch, and look for real contrition. Oprah won’t
know enough to ask about Simeoni, but if he’s genuinely sorry, it
will come up.
How many times can we watch the same story before we get bored?
For me, my limit is 4,353,200. That’s the most I can listen to or read about Lance before moving on. So, like, after Thursday, I’m outta here.
He’s been stripped. He’s been whipped. Now he’ll rebuild.
It’s what winners do.
But I don’t have to pay any more attention. Ich habe die Nase voll von ihm. Or something like that…
He gave everyone such an intense Cycling High, he’s like
‘crack’- we were all immediately hooked, and you can’t say ‘no’ to
the urge to go back and hope for one last bump…LOL.
Yep. Yep. Yep.
And now I’m unhooked! I hope. Where’s the nearest chapter of LanceAnon?
Just approach Lance like you would any other stop sign in the road of life.
Slow (rarely) and blow on through! Love it!
He was always very talented and tenacious but always still
quite evidently a pendejo. On a level playing field he probably
would have done at least as well as he did- of course we’ll never
know. That said, I have no taste for celebrophagia.
Lance worked it like no other. He took it all the way to the bank. Yea he cheated…who didnt?…He was just the best at it. Thats why he was the Patron for many years. The Patron role does not include being a nice guy. It means you have to be an asshole. Its a role Lance filled perfectly. I expect nothing less of his performance on Oprah.
After tomorrow, I’m following the 12 Steps that they teach at LanceAnon.
One pedal stroke at a time.
Which is remarkably similar to coprophagia, only nastier.
Thank you. Great article in USA Today. The gist, Lance is not sorry he cheated, he is sorry he got caught.
I am sorry I ate those four slices of cheese pizza last night. But they sure tasted good!
I’m going to market and sell the “Lance Patch”. It is designed to wean people off of an addiction to megalomaniac, serial sociopaths possessing all of the testosterone than one nut can muster.
You will be rich (er).
It’s a real life soap opera. It may sound overly pessimistic, but I think this is fun. I fully understand that this is reality and it’s people’s lives. However, this is hilarious. Lance isn’t even a real person, he’s such an over-the-top character. He’s almost like Harvey Dent. It’s fantastic. I’ll watch and then move on. I’m more concerned with the local ‘cross scene than I am the pro peloton. cheers!
It’s the “move on” part where the runner always stumbles.
I respectfully disagree; one does not merely move on. We neither “move on” after 9/11 nor do we move on after children have been molested. While these examples are extreme, what Lance has done to other human beings pales to what he’s done to this sport; this is not a speeding ticket where Traffic School allows its dismissal – that is moving on. He didn’t just dope, he either destroyed or made concerted efforts to destroy those who were honest & truthful. For that, he does not get a Hall Pass.
I moved on after 9/11 and lots of other things besides.
Everyone who wants to enjoy the drama, or enjoy the entertainment, or seek further retribution, or watch him work his way back, or comment/analyze/angrify/defend/or whatever else they want to do, can! And will!
Me? I’m movin’on! Just like this, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6dhVqHr-oc and not a moment too soon!
Oprah & Lance are going to keep you on the hook a little longer Wanky….now a two part interview that will air on Fri. too…do you think Cloddhopper will have us over again?
You can check to see what I’m doing on Friday. It’ll be this, buddy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6dhVqHr-oc
As a Norcal native and die-hard Warriors fan, I have thoroughly enjoyed this season of Schadenlakerfreude. That has now given way to Schadenlancefreude. Next up: Schadenmcquaidfreude and Schadenverbruggenfreude!
You win Today’s Most Creative Use of German Award.
And that’s just straight up Freude.
And who or what is this laker of which you speak?
Ouch, I just got Wank-Freuded (that just doesn’t sound right, now does it).
It’s perfect. “Freude” means happiness.
I’m just curious to know if he changes my current opinion of him. I’m doubtful. http://www.thecyclistswife.blogspot.com/2013/01/cycling-doping-and-jackassery-lance.html
Or if he changes the linens.
Cry? I cried in 1967 when my hero, Tom Simpson died using drugs in the TDF. Poof went my aspirations of becoming a pro cyclist but it has never dampened my love of the bike. I pitty all the druggies, they have to live with themselves.
I drug all the pities.
But….but….he never tested positive right?
I just need to know wether or not I can still wear my Livehigh, I mean Livestrong leg warmers or not. Its gonna be cold tomorrow.
Positive you can.
I’ll be playing the Lance drinking game during the interview.
I’ll be hanging with Clodhopper.
I’m calling it for what it is. And disclaiming “is” as what it is for me.
There are two phases to Lance Armstrong: Then and After Then.
From 1999 to 2005 Lance was our cycling hero. A brash American putting a stomping on the rest of the peloton. Like everyone else I was happiest when Lance attacked and won. Was it obvious (at the time) that he was doping? Of course…but I, like everyone else, didn’t want to believe it. It had been thirty years since my last real hero (I still believe in you, Bunny-wunny, even if a lowly dog was able to shred you), and it was high time for another. If delusion was required, then so be it. So Lance Then was Lance the hero – our hero. Someone to root for, get excited about, and be inspired by. Even if he was a known douche.
That was Then. After Then (sometime between now and Lance’s first retirement) was Lance the entertainer. Folks, it has now become theater – nothing more, nothing less. Acknowledge this. I thank you, Mr. Armstrong, for providing me more entertainment and amusement than I ever expected from you, and for reinventing yourself while maintaining your identity as a douchebag. Now there’s some integrity.
So it is what it is – entertainment, amusement, and every bit as emotion evoking as his cycling exploits, albeit different emotions. People pay lots of money to see lesser, fictional drama, and here’s Lance, serving it up for free – again. So I, like every other cycling dork, absolutely, positively will watch, and will enjoy the spectacle that Lance will provide. And continue to provide. Thank you, Lance, you are an inspiration. And a terminal douchebag.
By the way, if you’re stuck in the Lance “Then” mode, you need help. Lots of it. And stay away from cults – you are highly susceptible.
Now, to more important things – what games to play with your cycling buddies during the interview? Please submit your best suggestions. So far, we have:
When Lance says “cancer”:
1. Throw a tissue at the screen whenever Lance says “cancer”
When Lance says “I”
1. Put a poster of Lance on the wall. Provide guests with darts. Hurl darts when Lance says “I”. Closest dart to eyeball wins.
If Lance says “I was forced to make decisions I didn’t want to” (or similar)
You get the idea – please share your best.
My favorite game will be the one I start playing on Friday morning: Never talking or writing about it again.
Never is a long time. And there looks to be more to come – the UCI and Thomas Weisel being the most likely to tumble next. The system needs to be purged and this is all part of the process.
The system can do what the system’s gonna do, but it’ll be doing it without my precious two cents!
Anybody wants to know what I think after tonight, you can tell them “He thinks you should ride your bike.”
Re: “Closest dart to eyeball wins” — Eyeball singular? At least his uniball theme is consistent.
We’re having a Duperbowl party tonight. Sorry the Great and Wonderful O is making it a 2-day splinterview. I heard Floyd Landis was tentatively booked to do pole dancing (wearing only a whistle) at halftime.
It will be a big, giant pfffffffft.
But I’ll get to hang with Clodhopper at his palatial villa!
All I have to say about le intervriew is FUCK. Pharmstrong had a chance to save the sport tonight but, instead, he destroyed it. Normally, I’d have a lot more to say but I need to smash all my racing bikes flat with a sledge hammer tonight as a matter of urgency. Fuck him.
As of today, my only comment regarding this matter is as follows: “Go ride your bicycle.”
I would have to ask oprah why she wasnt as hard on douchestrong as she was on james frey (million little peices).she tore that poor guy a new asshole on tv. Guess that is me siding with REAL drug addicts again. They are my people. Takes one to know one if you know what i mean.
Love ya wanker
All future comments by me on this topic: Go ride your bike!
And have a great year in 2013 while you’re at it!
Not sure why the dwelling – its fair to assume he would be just as great under any system.
Lance’s own incidental corruption is completely the wrong focus. It was the corrupted system that kept him protected and in-play so long as the money for itself was good.
Lance is a recently chewed-up bit player in a old very deeply corrupted system well established as the only game in town. If he wanted to cycle competitively in the first place, those were already the unspoken rules of the system…this was not his corruption to begin with.
My advice to everyone concerned with this matter, including the principal himself, is thus: “Go ride your bike.”