Wankmeister cycling clinic #18: UCLA Road Race prep

February 16, 2013 § 8 Comments

Dear Wankmeister:

I’m a Cat 4 doing my first road race and I’m doing UCLA which is on the Punchbowl course and I hear its a pretty hard race but I’ve been ridding a lot of hills lately in PV and doing a couple of attacks on the NPR so how do you think I’ll do and is my preparation enough to at least get on the podium? How does this rode race compare to the Donut Ride?

Frankie Gonzalez

Dear Gonzo:

Your preparation is perfect, but that’s because for a first time Cat 4 at UCLA Road Race 2013, any preparation is perfect. Sitting on the couch eating Cheez-its is perfect, because for you the result will be the same: By the end of Mile One you will get coughed out the back like a piece of gooey phlegm, and certainly annihilated no later than the middle of Mile Two. The Punchbowl course is to the Donut Ride as getting your nuts run through a meatgrinder is to flossing your teeth.


Dear Wankmeister:

Deep dish or shallow rims? 54 or 53 teeth (I hear the downhill is blazing fast.) Rear cog–how big?

Acky Accurate

Dear Aaaack:

Deep dish if you want to get caught by the first big side gust of wind on the 50 mph descent and go sailing off into the barbed wire fence and from thence face-first into a pile of steaming cow turds. Run the 54 so you can fly on the downhill, then bog down in the rolling crosswind terrain, get blown out the back because you’re overgeared, and retire at the end of the first lap for apres-ski bon-bons and fifteen minutes of cool-down on the trainer. Nothing smaller than a 67 for the rear. There should be less than 1″ clearance between the biggest rear cog and the rails on your saddle.


Dear Wankmeister:

What’s the typical tempo of this race? My plan is to sit in for the first three laps and then try to attack on the climb on the last lap and get away. What do you think?

DQ Smedley

Dear DQ:

I think you’re an idiot. Unless you consider “sitting in” being shoved into the gutter single file with your tongue wrapped around the spokes and bleeding from the eyes and throwing every ounce of life you’ve got into staying attached to the hairy dude in front of you who’s already gapping out as the leaders turn up the electric skillet to high less than a mile into the race, you’re in for the shock of you life. There’s no “sitting in” at UCLA unless you’ve got a lawn chair at the finish line and a cooler of beer. Or hot tea and a bonfire in the event it snows, hails, and then rains, like it did three years ago.

Dose of reality,

Dear Wankmeister:

I’m not a good clumber, but I want to do UCLA RR to help my teammates. Good idea? Bad idea?

Sammy Speculum

Dear Spec:

You want to help your teammates at UCLA but you can’t climb? There’s a place for dudes like you. It’s called the feed zone.


Dear Wankmeister:

How would you rank the following riders (all have pre-registered) for the UCLA RR?

  1. THOG
  2. G$
  3. Jeff K.
  4. Tri-Dork
  5. John H.
  6. Mongo from Bako
  7. Kong
  8. Bennydril


Jimmy (the Greek)

Dear Jimmy:

  1. THOG: He will either win or get first.
  2. G$: He will either get second or be the runner-up.
  3. Jeff K.: Best man at the wedding. Again.
  4. Tri-Dork: He’s lost 49 pounds just by giving up butter (that he used to put in his beer). He got dropped twelve times at Boulevard and TIME TRIALED BACK ON EVERY TIME. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.
  5. John H.: He is too nice, but he will still crush 95% of the field.
  6. Mongo from Bako: Mongo and I have been practicing synchronized ‘cross bike dancing. We will be the prettiest duo in the field (with matching ‘cross frames and cantilever brakes). See our video here.
  7. Kong: He will pound. Then flail. Then pound some more. Then flail. Then collect his prize for Largest Dude Who Belongs In A Crit And Ain’t Afraid Of No Damned Hilly Road Race.
  8. Bennydril: No team to help, except for Kong, who’ll be in a different orbit. He’ll be isolated and beaten by superior numbers.


Dear Wankmeister:

How come Charon don’t do hilly road races?

Bak Stabber

Dear Bak:

I don’t know. How come Kobe doesn’t play offensive tackle?

Stupid questions get stupid answeringly,



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§ 8 Responses to Wankmeister cycling clinic #18: UCLA Road Race prep

  • Jon Trimble says:

    I’m currently training in a secret location (Kettlemen City), watching Div IV curling on my satellite dish in my trailer. I’m watching my diet carefully, subsisting only on Digiorno pizza that comes with the cookies you can bake. I normally go through 4 a day, so as not to get hungry and overeat. My question is this: I don’t think my AMC Gremlin can make it all the way to the Punchbowl for the UCLA road race, where I wanted to scout my future competition, and I want to watch the races on ABC’s Wide World of Sports but I don’t see any listings. Do you have any advice?

    • Admin says:

      I’m very concerned about your nutrition. There was no mention of beer, coffee, or generic label, 3-gallon tubs of chocolate ice cream.

  • samgwall says:

    Yet another very amusing variation on the “abandon hope” theme. Why does hope spring eternal every spring? Thanks.

    • Admin says:

      Because people are stupid and don’t realize that death is absolute, unavoidable, final, near, and that it negates the universe once you understand that “I think, therefore I am.”

      Hope is a terrible affliction that I’ve dedicated my life to stamping out, at least so far as it concerns bike racing. There is no hope unless you believe that “absence of hope” somehow validates the existence of hope. You will suffer and lose. No one will respect you, admire you, or remember you. All is vanity. Abandon hope, all ye who enter.

      OTHER THAN THAT, have a great day!!!

      • samgwall says:

        Yet another very amusing variation on the “abandon hope” theme. Why does hope spring eternal every spring? Thanks.

      • Albacore says:

        I am stupid! I have hope that I will compete in more than one olympic distance or half-iron triathlon this year. I hope I don’t drown tomorrow in my first swim workout since forever. I hope to one day do a full ironman. I hope to run a legitimately sub-Ryan marathon in April. I also hope to throw in a few mountain bike races and epic trips this year as well. I hope this ravenous hunger from my new diet will subside. Death IS absolute; kill me now.

  • samgwall says:

    And yet, how touchingly human to somehow (almost always) find a way to expect better from our personal passion play.

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