Kettle corn recipe

Original recipe makes a serving for three people.

Ingredients

1/4 cup vegetable oil
1/4 cup white sugar
50 or so unpopped popcorn kernels
1 large hammer
1 blanket of pain (30-lb. weave)
1 can of Anvil brand whoop-ass
28 mph head/crosswind
50 fantasies of fitness and strength
7-mile stretch of Pacific Coast Highway

Directions

Begin at the Kettle Restaurant in Manhattan Beach, CA.

Take the unpopped kernels up bike path to the intersection of the bike path, Temescal Canyon, and Pacific Coast Highway.

Put the kernels onto PCH.

Take the big hammer and apply one big whack to the kernels, which will be clumped together.

Pass hammer over to Dave Jaeger for a second whack.

Pass hammer over to Greg Leibert for third whack.

Pass hammer over to Jeff Bryant for fourth whack.

Place the simmering kernels directly into the wind.

Carefully watch as kernels align single-file up against the rocks, glass, and debris in the gutter.

Heat the vegetable oil with strokes of the leg so that the oil is evenly spread among the weakest kernels cowering in the rear.

Apply more whacks with the big hammer.

The smaller kernels will fall towards the bottom of the kettle. Force them back towards the front, applying equal parts hot oil, hammer whacks, and wind.

Allow the smaller, rotten, inedible kernels to burn into a charred blackened mess and drain out of the bottom of the kettle.

Brazilian kernels, Roadchamp kernels, StageOne kernels, Tree kernels, Tink kernels, Mighty Mouse kernels, and Second Amendment kernels will explode with especially loud pops. Do not be concerned. Other, more high quality kernels will still remain in the kettle.

Once the oil is sufficiently hot, stir so that it is evenly distributed on the remaining corn.

Continue to whack, stir, and repeat, making sure that the wind is properly angled onto the frying and popping kernels.

Cover the kernels with a wet pain blanket and shake the kettle.

Listen for massive poppage and watch for charring beneath the pain blanket as the overheated kernels blow up into nasty little black fragments.

Watch a small number of the hardiest kernels resist popping.

Once the popping has slowed such that only three or four kernels remain unpopped, remove the lid from the can of Anvil-brand whoop-ass and measure out a tablespoon.

Pour the whoop-ass on the remaining unpopped kernels and watch them finally pop and then char.

Accelerate cleanly away to the sprunt finish at the bridge just before Cross Creek, and enjoy your Kettle corn in solitude. Watch as broken and burnt kernel shrapnel is blown into the parking area by the prevailing wind, but be careful not get any of it on your nice clean bicycle outfit.

END

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10 thoughts on “Kettle corn recipe”

  1. This niblet didn’t even make it out of the bag, but what a THRILL it was to watch it launch ~ aMAZing ~ thanks for the read, Wanky ~ one of your best!

  2. I thought I saw burnt corn blow by me and I was all the way out at Joshua Tree. I hear remains of my tent and my missing Via packets were found somewhere near the Mexican border…Glad we all had fun out there!

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