Why Los Angeles is way better than San Diego
May 11, 2013 § 27 Comments
It’s really simple: We have the best early morning weekday rides. San Diego doesn’t.
What is a “best” early morning weekday ride? It’s one that begins around 6:30 AM, has a huge regular turnout, and rips your legs off.
“Oh, no!” I can hear you wailing. “We have the awesome Tuesday-Thursday ride! It’s hilly and it shreds the field!”
First of all, our ride is better because yours doesn’t even have a cool name. That’s because you’re too dumb to think one up. All that supposed surfer-cyclist-artiste creativity in North County and the best you can do is two names of the week? Sad.
Second, our ride is better because your ride has such a tiny turnout. Five semi-fast guys showing up with a hangover and pulling out each others’ teeth with rusty pliers does not a legendary bike ride make. Maybe it’s the early hour and you wike your wittle warm bwankie. Maybe it’s the lack of a swollen pack of baby seals among which the weak can cower and hide ’til the moment of reckoning. Maybe it’s the fact that the vast majority of bicyclists in North County ride Trek. But most likely, it’s the fact that your riders just aren’t that good.
Third, our ride is better because we have Rahsaan Bahati, Suze Sonye, Greg “32” Leibert, Eric Anderson, and Cory Williams as regulars. Who do you have? That dude with the full purple bodysuit and the bad smell, that’s who.
Fourth, our ride is better simply because of the riders that you have and we don’t. Leaving aside for the moment that none of your guys have even halfway decent nicknames, let me list a few rotten limbs in the pile of deadwood that makes up your “ride”:
Stefanovich–Comes north to do our NPR, returns home a shell of his former self, which was a shell to begin with.
Crazy Legs–The name kind of says it all, eh? Along with him, “Sketch,” “Skitters,” “Twitch,” and “Jerky”…
Andy McClooney–The best rider to never come north and get his serving of NPR humble pie.
Celo Pacific Wheelsuckers–This is a club developed around the riding “strategy” of “do nothing until the end, then do even less.”
Los Ranchos Suckeros–Every yummy pie has filler, but these sandbaggers don’t even taste good when you chew them up and spit them out.
Velo (barely) Hangers-on–Close relatives of NPR baby seals who think “towards the front” is synonymous with “at the front.” It isn’t.
Swami’s B, C, and D Riders–It’s the alphabet soup of lowly categorized wankers. Their best ones make the first ejecta from the first acceleration on the Saturday ride. Their worst ones don’t even have bicycles.
Nytro trigeeks–They don’t always look and ride like idiots, but the 99.9% of the time when they do, they’re so far behind that no one knows or cares.
The Wolf Pack Up-and-Leavers–Last to the fight, first to the feast.
Fifth, our ride is better because we brag about it. If it weren’t for my amazing powers of investigative journalism, I wouldn’t even know your ride existed. If you don’t brag about it, it must not be any good.
Sixth, our ride is better because we have a cool FB page. Do you? Of course not. Without a cool FB page your ride can never be more than sucky. Sorry.
Seventh, our ride is waaaaay better because Robert Efthimos and Cory Williams video everything and then post cool movies of wankers like Jay “Manslaughter” LaPlante trying to murder his buddies. Then we get to spend the entire workday on FB chatting about it. What do you poor slobs do? You go to work and work, that’s what.
Eighth, our ride is better because we actively make fun of people who wear Oakley. SPY is how we roll, yo.
Ninth, our ride is better because we have that cute Asian chick who’s always jogging down the alley as we roll out. Who do you have? That furry dude who lives in the shopping cart behind the Starbucks.
Tenth, our ride is better because we have a ride kit. That’s right. Our ride is so pimpin’ that we have a kit with our cool ride’s name on it and lots of clever “in” jokes emblazoned on it by Joe Yule. Our ride is beautifully tanned Argentine leather. Yours is naugahyde.
Eleventh, we have Joe Yule. You have that dude who lives in his mom’s garage and builds web sites with Dreamweaver.
Twelfth, we have CotKU. You probably don’t even know what that is. Sad.
Finally, after our awesome ride, which is always awesome and so much better than yours, we get to sit around at CotKU, drink coffee, and watch Dave Perez do interesting things dressed up in purple and yellow. What do you have? A bunch of really serious MRI dudes dressed up in electric green baby dwarf artichoke outfits. Hint: You can’t be serious if you are a dude in a baby dwarf artichoke suit. A clown, perhaps, but not a serious dude.
The day of reckoning
Although I’ve already reached my conclusions, invented my facts, and printed my story, I thought I would at least do you the favor of coming down to the next Tuesday ride to confirm that your ride is a complete sham and pose fest. I have no doubt about what I’ll find: A handful of scraggly, half-shaved riders, tummies hanging out of their undersized stretch pants while they suck down a gallon of pre-ride sugar goop pretending that their “ride” is a ride.
Please also be advised that I will be showing up fully primed and prepared to teach each of you the meaning of the word “beatdown.” Although I don’t expect to break a sweat, you should expect to suffer a calamitous clubbing. This is what LA is all about: Schooling the noobs in the south about how to ride their bicycles. After that I will give the survivors a surfing lesson, beginning with “How not to purl every time” and then followed by a video showing you the difference between a rideable wave, a closeout, and whitewash. Not that it will help.
See you soon, and bring your moped. You’re gonna need it.
I think I want front row seats for this one!!
Bring your whack-o-meter to measure the bludgeoning!
Who the heck is Andy McClooney?
He’s married to Carmen San Diego.
[…] By Seth Davidson […]
All your So-Cal rides pale in comparison to TMR in Palo Alto. We have had Eddy Merckx and Cadel show up to ride TMR. fact.
What’s the point of this article ?
What’s the motivation of the author ?
How about an article based on objective journalist research, not just lazy personal opinion.For example,a comparison of non profit bicycle repair co ops who teach owners free repair of bicycles; or quality control techniques relevant to inspection and purchase of China made carbon fiber bicycles,especially forks, to detect defective design or manufacture.ie recalls,delamination,voids,porosity hidden to the consumers eye.All with safety in mind.
Funniest comment EVER!
Sir, you have grossly misdiagnosed the tone and the intent of the wankosphere.
Not for the last time!
The purpose of the article is to laugh, to poke fun and to entertain. Whats the purpose of your comment? If that is the type of blog that you want to read then I would suggest you opt out of the blog and remove it from your favorites….. Really, I cant understand where your negative comments coming from????
They’re coming from his ass!
I did not know there was a facebook page.
New Pier Ride. It is awesome.
Oh Shit Wanker….. I assure you the impending clubbing of the Wanker will be one you wont forget (although you will want to)!
Better bring a camera, or no one will believe you!
Well, this Might be interesting enough to drive 3hrs in from Vegas to watch from the go Pro mounted on my seat post… :))
Better put it on your bars.
This might be worth staying up late here in Oz, refreshing the site, in anticipation of reading the triumphant post-ride…. humble pie eating 🙂
Or crow. Sometimes I eat crow.
Hahahaha….THAT’S smack talk. Jeeze!…the wanker who kicked the hornets nest!
…anyway, you north county boys should get Joe Yules number before Sir Wankmeister either grinds you to bits, or he takes too big a bite of crow…and is unavailable for said contact.
Dude, I didn’t write that. My account got hacked. I mean, it doesn’t even SOUND like me!
Where/when do these mid-week rides in San Diego go down? I’ll be down there for a couple days next week and I’d love to independently verify the claims made in this (admittedly unbiased) column.
6:30 AM, corner of La Costa and El Camino Real. Thanks for recognizing my objectivity, which is something I pride myself on.