Your house, hour house

June 16, 2013 § 26 Comments

Fukdude woke up one day with a completely crazed obsession, which was completely different from the completely crazed obsession he’d had the previous year, or the year before, or the year before.

“I gotta fukkin do the hour record,” he said to himself.

So he went down to the velodrome, hopped on his bike and did a practice hour record ride. He missed setting a new mark by 300m.

With zero preparation, coming so close to the mark on a test ride would give mere mortals cause for celebration. All it gave Fukdude was a case of raw sack.

“My fukkin left nut was out of position, pushed up against a nest of hairs on the inside of my thigh.” (FD is extremely analytical.) “Those three or four hairs rubbed up against the sack nonstop for one fukkin hour. Like scraping your balls with a wire brush. Fukkin saddle sore on my nut was the size of a small fukkin Frisbee. Couldn’t wear underwear for two weeks and had to soak my balls in an avocado-linseed oil poultice. Shit fukkin hurt.”

Why are bicycle riders insane?

This is what I was asking myself, having swung by FD’s place to pick up a copy of “The Hour” by Michael Hutchinson, an insane British bicycle rider who had misguidedly taken aim at the most holy record in sports, and predictably failed.

“You gotta fukkin read this book if you’re gonna blog about my attempt,” he said. “Then I can tell you about bearing friction and chain drag coefficients and tire thread counts and crr and Cda. Pretty cool shit, actually.”

“It is?” I asked.

“Fuk yeah, dude.” Then FD reached down onto a shelf and pulled out a bag with a chain in it. “Imported from Japan, dude,” he said with pride.

“Like my wife?”

“No, dude, this is special. Bro deal.”

I nodded. “Any other special stuff?”

“Fuk yeah. Check this shit out.” FD reached into another shelf and pulled out a box, in which was a bag, in which was a cloth sack, in which was a plastic covering, in which was a monstrous 55-tooth chainring that looked bigger than the reported Frisbee on his nutsack.

“Wow,” I said.

“Fukkin Japanese dude makes these things. Imported from Japan. Japanese. Fukkin rad shit, huh? $200 bucks, dude.”

“Wow,” I said. “That’s some coin.”

“No big deal. We just dial back the hot water, gas, and electricity for six weeks, slash the food budget and drink more water. It’s healthier, actually. Good for your fukkin hour record diet too, dude.”

When the fad is bad

This whole hour record thing got started in SoCal by Keith Ketterer, otherwise known as “KK,” “Superman,” or just plain “Sir.” A quiet, unassuming guy, KK did his preparation and set the hour record in two separate age divisions.

His successful assaults were the picture of suffering, and when he finished his second record ride he was pulled off the bike looking like a corpse that was way past its expiration date. The epic nature of his ride and the unspeakable nature of what he endured lit the fire of emulation under many who saw him.

Fortunately, most of the emulators did a few trial laps at speed around the velodrome and instantly realized the folly of their fantasy, and more importantly, the unspeakable pain of riding so fast even for a lap. So they quit and went back to the events that required something less, like ice hockey, drinking beer, and of course the most popular cycling event, Talking About Cycling And Spending Money On Bike Crap.

Not Fukdude. For him, the pain and the flogging and the obsessive attention to every possible detail made the fire burn brighter. It didn’t hurt that he has long been one of the best amateur bike racers in the state, and owns a pair of national titles on the track.

I found out about it through a Facebook invitation to the event that FD had sent out.

“It’s gonna be fukkin boring beyond belief,” he enthusiastically assured me. “Some dork riding in circles for fifty minutes, dude, people will be looking at each other going ‘This is some boring shit.'”

“Yes,” I tentatively agreed.

“It’s not ’til the last ten minutes if you’re on track that the misery and agony and suffering and flogging and hell sets in. That shit’s fun to watch. Dork goes from ‘I’m kicking ass’ to ‘I’m about to get totally fukkin humiliated in front of my family and friends plus waste all that money on tires and chains and shit from Japan,’ and then he fukkin goes balls out and flogs himself and you can see the fukkin fear of failure scratched all over his face like a bad tattoo. That’s when it’s fun to watch.”

“Oh,” I said.

“I mean, bike racing is a fukkin niche sport no bigger than a termite’s ass. And track racing is a fukkin tiny crevasse in the crack of the termite’s ass, right? And the fukkin hour record is a fissure in the crack of the termite’s ass’s microniche. Like, who fukkin cares?”

“So why are you doing it?”

“I’m obsessed, dude. If I don’t have a fukkin goal I’ll be eating a dozen baked chocolate donuts for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and drinking beer by the keg. Gotta have goals in life, right, dude?”

Preparing for the flogging

If I had done a practice run and only missed the new record by 300m and some raw skin, I would focus my training exclusively on proper nut positioning and maybe do a couple of intervals to sharpen up for the real day of reckoning.

Not FD.

He assembled a team to conquer that last 300 meters that was truly incredible. Roger Young, former Olympian and curmudgeonly genius track coach feared by all, but who is really quite talkative on Thursdays between the hours of 3:00 and 3:15 AM. Philip Goglia and his eating program in Santa Monica, who is The Man for pasty, skinny dudes like FD who want to look even sicklier without losing leg power. Thanks to Phil, FD was able to develop entire new vein displays on his abdomen and thigh.

Roger put together a training plan that included things like eight 10-minute threshold sessions with 3-minute rests between intervals; three 40-minute threshold sessions (done three times a week); two 30-minute climbing intervals on a 9% grade at 350 watts…etc. Experts agree that if simply reading through the workouts doesn’t physically exhaust you or make you sob uncontrollably, you have what it takes to attempt the record.

Phil put together an eating plan that was based on the concept of gaining strength and power while losing weight and eating everything out of a Tupperware box. No more baked choco donuts. No more entire loaves of French bread. No more buckets of ice cream. No more Five Guys. In short, no more fun.

FD, however, was quick to point out that this had nothing to do with fun. “Fukkin starving yourself on lettuce and spending the best part of your adult life on an indoor trainer, dude, that’s fucked up. Which is why we do it. Right?”

“Uh, right,” I agreed, secretly planning to swing by the donut shop on the way home.

“Okay, cool dude. Nice talkin but I have to get back on the fukkin trainer. See you next week?”

“Wouldn’t miss if for the world. Hey, one question — ”


“What happens if you do the hour record in, say, 59 minutes?”

*NOTE TO READER (singular): FD attempts the hour record in the 40-44 year-old age category at the VeloCenter in Carson, CA, on June 23 at 4:00 PM, immediately after which we will celebrate his NEW hour record with lots of fermented liquid electrolytes, chocolate donuts, more fermented electrolytes and awesome tales of how awesome he is. Which, in fact, he is.

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§ 26 Responses to Your house, hour house

  • 4:00 6/23? That is when the Pro race starts at the SCNCA Crit in Ontario. That’s messed up…

    Break a nut, FD!!

  • dan martun says:

    fuk Im there Dude!

  • Unemployed Wank says:

    Fuck, dude…i’d pay to watch someone suffer that much! How much are tickets?
    Great story too Seth. I was laughing so hard my wife looked over at me and rolled her eyes and said, “Wankmeister…?”

    • Admin says:

      You just made my day, Jeff! I don’t know how much the tickets are. By “how much” you mean how much is he paying people to come watch, right?

  • Sidamo says:

    Having personally witnessed the existing record, I enjoyed the para re: the last 10 minutes! Good luck FD 🙂 and

    Disclaimer: I took some amateur photos, I’m not the coach, nor do I know anything about what it takes to go fast 🙂

  • Alex Simmons says:

    Best of luck with the attempt. It’s a form of madness I can appreciate.

  • Dan says:

    Wow! that sounds like a pain in the gooch. You should frame the blood, urine, feces and pus soaked chamois. Does he really cuss that much?

    • Admin says:

      He uses these words so often they cease to register as expletives.

      • Alex Simmons says:

        lol. might need to tone it down for the UCI international level commissaire and the doping control people!

  • David says:

    Best get that 40-44 hour record before you get too old because the 45-49 hour record looks pretty untouchable! 45.58k to 49.36k. Check it out:

    Click to access records.pdf

    But whatever the outcome maybe, good luck and enjoy. Sounds like a fun attempt to my warped mind.

    • Admin says:

      The mere thought of it gives me a splitting headache and makes me want to go sit in a cubicle and do something profitable.

    • Admin says:

      This perfectly fits the current evolution of cycling performance: The older you get, the stronger you become and the faster you go. Ultimately, the fastest records will be in the 90-95 category.

      • Tom says:

        That is my strategy for future racing success — present success having been elusive.
        Try to outlive my competitors, and with some luck, I will be the only entrant in the SuperMasters 90+ crits & road races.
        Just gotta make it thru the next 30 years or so.

        • Admin says:

          There is currently no hour record holder for the 65-70 age category. You can set the hour record without even cracking a sweat.

          • Alex Simmons says:

            Aside from talent, cost is the main barrier, with track hire, 3+ months notice for anti doping whereabouts, dope testing, UCI officials, timing systems etc. It’s several thousand dollars, more or less depending on where international level UCI official has to come from (travel expenses).

            • Admin says:

              If I had the money, I’d shatter Boardman’s hour record. In practice on the way home from work today I bested his top speed by 3mph for about 100 yards. I would so own that. Do you know anyone who would like to donate? I’m starting a new crowdfunding account, “One Hour Hanky Panky for Wanky.”

              Can you DM me your SSN and credit card info? I won’t use it until you tell me to.

      • Alex Simmons says:

        lol, you forgot cranky lanky yankee called frankie crying in his hankie

  • Rob says:

    There are just too many age categories for events these days. The last time I saw the hour record attempt, it was Indurain pushing a 58×13. He later said he could have used a little more gear.

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