Let the unexplained absences begin!

Whoa!! Blasted on the front pace of SCNCA.org web site was this:

SCNCA enters into agreement with USAC and USADA. Drug testing is coming to SCNCA races in 2013

Awhile ago, we mentioned that USAC and USADA were developing a program to bring anti-doping testing to local races. The reaction from the local racers was overwhelmingly positive. We are happy to announce that the SCNCA has signed an agreement to join USAC’s “Race Clean” initiative. Using a portion of the SCNCA surcharge that has been collected this year, there will be local testing by USADA this season. They will be at a minimum of two races. USADA determines the races…even the SCNCA will not know when and where they will be testing. USADA will be considering all remaining Road, CX, and Track events for 2013.

Huh? Drug testing in local SoCal races? That’s absurd! No one here dopes, or would dope, or has ever doped, or knows anyone who has ever doped. I once had a second cousin twice removed on my Uncle Clem’s sister’s side (paternal, step-son of the third wife’s adopted niece) who had heard of someone who knew someone who doped, but that was in Tennessee. Doping in SoCal master’s races? You’re kidding me, right?

I’m revolting!

I for one am disgusted that my tax dollars are going to be used to test for drugs instead of being used to purchase more surveillance equipment so that the FBI can zero in on my favorite porn sites. I’m even more disgusted that they aren’t even using my tax dollars, and most disgusted of all that they aren’t using yours.

Drug testing in SoCal is going to ruin our beautiful sport. Without drugs, masters would still be racing like we were in the 80’s and early 90’s. You know, LSD, hairnets, wool jerseys, no bibs, and chamois that bunched up like a crazy home video edition of Sanitary Napkins Gone Wild.

Without drugs, we won’t get to cruise the Interwebs late at night looking for Chinese EPO labs that are cheap, discreet, offer guaranteed delivery without bothersome customs inspections, and whose blood doping products aren’t cut with lead or arsenic.

Without drugs, we won’t get to go to our doctor and get various steroidal ‘scrips for our “asthma,” for our “saddle sores,” and for our, uh, “autoimmune disease.” But most of all, without drugs we won’t get to be pro. What’s the use of having a 12k rig and a trick team kit and a wrapped team car and masseuse tables and adhesive race numbers if you can’t also be on the juice?

I suppose I will get my head around this eventually. But you want to know what’s really gonna suck? Not being able to blame my own shitty results on other people!

“I woulda had that sprunt but ol’ Grizzles is on the juice.” Gone!

“How can you expect me to hold ol’ Clogstacle’s wheel on the climb? Fuggin’ doper.” Gone!

“I was shelled out of the break, yeah, what do you expect? Everyone else was snortin’ EPO.” Gone!

Oh, well. Back to the drawing board. And I’m not even an artist.

29 thoughts on “Let the unexplained absences begin!”

  1. Damn, and I though I had a chance of being selected to ride for team SKY. Now without being allowed to be on drugs, I wouldn’t fit in on the team.
    On a side note, everyone knows that just doing the crits in the CPT, you get a contact high going down the finishing straight.

      1. Seth, I have noticed an obvious “absence” in results from 2012 to 2013 for one master!! Have you? And I am not talking about Meeker….

                1. Same number of races, and more or less the same schedule? Just dropping in the standings seems like a stretch to me. People get busy, train less, race less, etc. I don’t want to be the guy who is pointing fingers without concrete evidence. Meeker tested positive. That’s as straightforward as it gets.

  2. cheryl parrish

    Thanks, Seth – I think drug testing is a waste of money, but that’s just my opinion. You always crack me up. Keep our porn private! lol

  3. Dude, drug testing is so pro. I’ve been looking on amazon for books on doping programs. Its between “The Time-Crunched Doper” and “The Doper’s Training Bible”.

    1. You’ve got a darn good point there. We need to welcome this new level of verisimilitude.

    1. Well, so many dopers have ruined my life, and the actions of so many 20-something athletes continues to keep me down, that it’s hard to see the forrest for the gump.

  4. What will i do about my low “T” in the future? I am a honeymooner and god forbid at my age I develop ED. My life is forever changed. Wait, will they test Cat 4 races?

  5. Just pointing out that here we are on Memorial Day, and all the elite TT, road, and crit championships have been handed out. And masters TT and road. And Dana Point, arguably the highest concentration of amateurs dopers on the planet. RaceClean: crickets (afaik).

    If they don’t show up at the Ontario Masters champs, what’ll they target next? A fall upgrade crit?

  6. RaceClean did not, in fact test SCNCA at all this year. The explanation I got from USACycling is that the SCNCA never sent its race calendar to USADA (!) and no on realized it until it was too late.

    They might be able to hit a CX race or two. Or maybe not.

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: