Masters racers of the world, unite!

July 16, 2013 § 19 Comments

After a recent 60+ CBR crit the winning racer got on FB and voiced his contempt for the “cheap SOBs” who organized the race because in his race for fellows aged sixty years and over there were no cash prizes for the giants of the road in excess of age sixty who had vanquished their foes in the forty minute bicycle race around an industrial park even though they were still racing their bicycles past the age of sixty and being, as they were, 60+.

This points out a disturbing trend in local bicycle racing, and I’m sick of it. Here we have people in their sixties, more than sixty years old, dedicating their entire lives to these races. While other people in their sixties, and even some in their seventies (I’m told a handful in their eighties as well) waste their time doing volunteer work, organizing park/beach cleanups, and participating in their church or social group to improve the community, these heroes are selflessly dedicating their every spare moment to themselves as they get fitter, faster, better, and older on their bicycles.

How dare the cheap SOB’s — that’s YOU, Chris Lotts — not reward these philanthropists with the big cash payouts they deserve? This ageism is a slap in the face of these men who comprise The Almost Good Generation, people who helped bring our great nation to the amazing state it is currently in and who are willing to keep sacrificing by racing their bicycles on the weekend for money. Think about it. Without hefty bicycle race paydays, how will these folks pay the taxes on their third home? Yeah.

Be the change you want to see in the world

I’m organizing all masters racers who are fed up with this bullshit system in order to develop a new race league for 60+ masters racers only. It will be the envy of the world. Here’s how we’re gonna do it!

  1. Exciting venues. We’re going to stage our races in the heart of America’s greatest cities. Every week we’ll have an LA Crit, an NYC Crit, a Chicago Crit, a San Francisco Crit, and crits for all of our regional capitals. The courses will be technical, exciting, and crowd pleasing. Each event will have a minimum of 100,000 spectators, food and beer booths, and major rock bands will perform before and after each race.
  2. Massive payouts. Gone are the days of “points” and “coffee/wine/pistachio primes.” Each race will guarantee $75,000 in cash, paying 40 deep. Primes will be a minimum of $5,000.
  3. Stacked fields. Each field will have a minimum of one hundred racers.
  4. A full day’s worth of categories. Each event will have a 60+, 65+, 70+, 75+, 80+, 85+, 90+, 95+, 100+, and 105+ field. We will bring the cream of America’s athletic crop to the doorstep of our biggest cities so that people can see the beauty, strength, and power of human athleticism at its pinnacle.
  5. Blowout podium celebrations. After each race the heroic athletes who are vigorous enough to climb atop the podium will be feted, cheered, and will receive blowjobs by the podium women or podium men of their choice. Pre-podium Viagra will be on the house for those who need a little lift in the shorts.
  6. Traveling cup. Each mighty 60+ hero who wins one of these legendary races will have his name engraved on a traveling “Geritol Cup” made of brass and gold, encrusted with diamonds and custom designed by Tiffany.
  7. First-class airfare for leaders in the Geritol Cup. The top twenty leaders in the points placing will receive round trip, first class airfare to all race destinations with guaranteed, pre-paid reservations at a Four Seasons-grade hotel.
  8. Life-size portraits. Every participant will receive a coupon for an 85-hour sitting with renowned portraitist John Howard Sanden, who will memorialize each racer’s radiant visage and powerful physique in a full-size oil painting in the heroic style found in the main gallery of the Louvre. A modern 500,000 square-foot Racing Museum will be designed by John Geary and built (venue TBD) to house these monumental works and to enshrine forever the exploits of these great men.
  9. Vetting of all race promoters. All race promoters for league events will be required to make a security deposit in the amount of $1.5 million (nonrefundable in the event of bad jokes at the starting line like “I’m starting a new group called Christian Tingles,” etc.).
  10. TV coverage. Each race will be covered by three major national and international networks, and then packaged in a year-end 25-DVD set, with royalties paid to each racer. Exciting video game with royalties to be developed by Sony, also with royalties.

So are you with me? No more of this exploitation! We have nothing to lose but our (bicycle) chains!

§ 19 Responses to Masters racers of the world, unite!

  • Peter Schindler says:

    Okay, if you put it like that I will go back to racing my bike.

  • tomato72 says:

    Can I volunteer to collect samples for doping control? Presuming they can produce a sample..

  • Al Lakes says:

    I am no longer sad as today featured 2 blog entries. Kudos!

    As for anyone dedicating themselves to amateur racing at 60 plus, well, you could easily re-post the above and change every “60” to “30” and you wouldn’t have to alter a single valid point.

  • The Dude With the Funny Helmet says:

    This is fantastic and most importantly, totally feasible! As a 41 y/o racer, I’m of course bummed that I am not yet eligible for the SUPER MASTERS races… *sigh* Instead, I will be forced to waste my time over the next 19 years racing the bums who populate the 35+ and 45+ fields here in SoCal. Wankers, all of ’em! SUPER MASTERS is where it’s at!

    Now that I think about it, why even ride the bike now? I could crash and hurt myself well before I am eligible for SUPER MASTERS. Probably best to lay off the bike for the next 17 or 18 years, just to be safe. In fact, I encourage all other Lesser-Masters racers (age 35 to 59) to do the same, preferably prior to Brentwood Grand Prix.

  • dp cowboy FBBC says:

    While inhaling a cheeseburger at Carl’s Jr. with my daughter today, between arguments centering around money and sexuality (what else),
    A 60+ SDBC guy with his Saxo White Specialized Roubaix came in (yes, with bike) and sat down near me, chowed his own combo meal, unsmiling, and left…prancing across the tile in his shoes…
    classy, very classy…makes me want to donate and get all my uber corporate country club “tool of the establishment” fellow members to donate too!
    The prize lists for this sport will rise exponentially! What a great bunch of all-around great people with great images and great egos!

    • Admin says:

      Those guys bust their butts six days a week so we don’t have to. They make the world a better place. Let’s UNITE! FOR THEM!

  • dan martun says:

    I know a old guy who was a really good golfer and qualified for the PGA Senior Tour… Im so onboard with the Senior Masters Crit Series. Friggin awesome idea for the aged hippie wanker!

  • Brian in VA says:

    Only 4 years to go! I’m holding out Simon Morel for the portrait, though.
    Thanks for two smiles today!

  • Rob says:

    At 50, I’m no master. That distinction should be rightfully earned. In baseball, you’re called an old timer. Hence, the old timers game. I’ve seen plenty of these events before Dodger games. USA Cyling should forget masters and go with old timers. Humility is good. Call it like it is. This will certainly thin the herd.

    • Admin says:

      Old-timers, indeed. What the fuck am I a master at, anyway?

      Master Cat 3? Triple redundancy!

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