Good ‘ol Lance

July 23, 2013 § 55 Comments

Does anyone know Lance’s cell phone? ‘Cause we need him bad.

This Wiggins-Froome thing has gotten totally out of hand. One day we were watching a doped up superman who boinked models and actresses and rock stars, who owned ranches and mansions and private jets, who was devilishly good looking, whose ego was bigger than Dallas and twice as gnarly, who ground people up into hamburger meat on and off the bike, who beat cancer, cured cancer, sued enemies into oblivion, had an entourage of global financiers, Italian dope doctors, starlets, drug mules, presidents and scientists and who, with only one nut still had bigger balls than the entire pro peloton, and then, BAM!

We were watching Chris fucking Froome, a human insect who can’t even pedal properly, a craven little wussmeister whose doping program is “marginal gains” instead of “ram the whole 12,000 cc up my ass,” an awkward, unappetizing robot who confirms what every motorist instinctively knows: Cyclists are contemptible arthropods deserving nothing so much as the heel of a boot.

Sure, I used to bag on Dopestrong…until I saw the last two years of Dopeweak. What happened to the drug-crazed cannibals of yore, handsome, muttonchopped, steel-willed manly men who ate raw meat with their fists and swallowed their cocaine-heroin-strychnine cocktails in one-pint tumblers? How could we have banished the lying, cheating, brash and big-balled Texan who rode a chrome Harley, threw massive charity balls, charged 100k to jocksniffing millionaires for a group ride appearance, won triathlons, raced marathons, conquered Leadville, and ruled the entire UCI with the iron grip of a drug kingpin, which he was, and traded him in for the sniveling, milquetoast, dainty British softmen who drink tea, slurp warm beer, and race like simpering weenies or, what’s infinitely worse, like British people?

Where is the wrath, the insane bloodlust fueled by too many drugs in the wrong combination, the tortured beastly exhibitions of athletic porn, the Texas gunslinger who rode over the bones of his challengers and fell as mightily as he rose, in full color on a giant screen surrounded by a frothing media scrum and presided over by the queen of daytime TV? I’ll tell you where: He’s been replaced by “champions” who are no cleaner but a thousand times less entertaining to watch, the insect class, the automaton class, the zombies of the road.

Please, if you have his number, call Lance for me and beg him to either come back or to give these pasty-faced cab drivers a few lessons in how to race like the future of the galaxy depended on it. I’ll take les forcats de la route over the zombies of the road any day.

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§ 55 Responses to Good ‘ol Lance

  • Jon Trimble says:


  • OK, I’ll bite…..

    Speaking as a Brit, I can understand your jealousy. We spent years watching jumped up colonials and queer smelling continentals ride our boys into the dust. We they decided to tax all the stupid people, by running a national lottery, and plunged all the new found wealth into a sport that had the greatest potential for us to actually be good at, that is to say nobody else was too interested in it and you could do it sitting down.

    Result? A conveyor belt of worthy if rather dull super-humans who can pedal up those alpine cols quicker than anyone else. And if you think that’s boring, we’ve got dozens more waiting for their chance in the next few years.
    Sorry chaps.

    Toodle pip.

  • sw says:

    I know I’m stickin my neck out for sayin in these parts, but do you really think Chris “Caillou” Froome isn’t clean as a veestle? Mr. aw shucks, church guidance counselor, humbletron? If he’s hiding a doping program we really need to shut the whole thing down, because he’s a far greater actor than Lance ever was and I think it would make him the anti-christ.

  • sw says:

    Just curious. Do you think they are onto some new untraceable drug regimen? Does this really pay off that much after all the overhead, because the team must surely be involved right? Where’s the gain?

    • Admin says:

      The best predictor of future outcomes is past performance.

    • Erik says:

      There’s plenty of evidence that modern doping regimens can be run without being traced. Get your primers at They payoff? Winning the TdF? Seems like a risk many have found worth taking before, what makes that risk any less palatable now?

  • Usta Befit says:

    While the Lance show was much more exciting than the Froomster let us not forget how much of a Fred Super Tex looked like on his Trek with an extra 2 feet of shifter cables hanging out of his handlebars & that big old hump in his back. Oh wait, that hump was probably just the back side of his massive lungs. I think next year’s Tour will be much livelier as I’m sure the Dutch & the Spanish are improving their “training” & will not lose by 5 minutes. I’m thinking too that it’s time for France to really step up their game because they haven’t had a good doper since JaJa used to ride off the front on Bastille Day.

  • Unemployed Wank says:

    Lance gave “Hope” to cancer patients
    Froome gives “Hope” to cat 5 riders (because his riding looks like one and proves drugs really can make you a champion)
    This is just what USA Cycling needed! Brilliant!
    P.s. Are you still sad?

  • JP says:

    Heard he can be reached here:
    1(212) 733-2323

  • Rob says:

    Too bad cyclists can’t negotiate their own suspensions like Major League Baseball players. Ryan Braun didn’t have to confess. He just said that he made some mistakes. How easy is that. Oh, and he gets to keep everything, including that MVP award.

  • bikeme says:

    ….pasty-faced cab drivers….hahahahaha ha!

  • Amsterdam Hammer says:

    hilarious !

  • roberthurst says:

    When you’re rooting for the Finger-banger, you know the race is seriously boring.

    • Admin says:

      When you’re rooting for anyone besides Didi, you know you’ve fallen back into the Kool-Aid.

  • Steven Burns says:

    Excuse me while I change my underwear. That was just too damn funny.

  • Skip Barrett says:

    “and who, with only one nut still had bigger balls than the entire pro peloton…” Spewed my coffee!

    …”cycling is drug-addled athletic porn.” hilarious!

    “I love that everyone is in love with getting fooled again” Ha! So true!

    A fresh round of Kool-Aid for everyone!

    • Admin says:

      Coffee spewage is the best. Next round of Kool-Aid is on me, I mean, Wiggyfroom & Co.

  • If Sky could field some one as contemptible as Danny F*ing Dyer then we might find their spasmodic grace and the issue of their national origin less offensive and more amusing.

  • You know how cyclists get way with doping? The whole damn industry has to be in on it.

  • Masher says:

    Grieve le Tour

  • thebaldbiker says:

    Two years of Bore de France have been pretty brutal. On the other hand, Quintanna was a joy to watch.

    • Admin says:

      He needs to work on his human-ness. The robot face makes me think of Big Tex, Big Drugs.

  • JohnnyFoxx says:

    Epic post…and true to the core. Yawned my way through the last 2 Tours and longed for the days of mussets and luz ardiden and watching Big Tex rip their legs off!

    • Admin says:

      The day of the larger than life, drug crazed superman has passed. Bring on the DVD collections from years past and the beer.

  • I’m British and I laughed out loud at this… classic πŸ™‚

    As I heard someone say a few weeks ago,

    ‘Lance should be commended for winning all those Tours when he was on drugs… when I was on drugs I couldn’t even find my f**king bike’ πŸ™‚

    • Admin says:

      Willie Nelson, who said it, is kind of an expert with regard to performing on drugs.

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