August 2, 2013 § 23 Comments
As a mutton-chopped, mutton-headed sausage who’s been crammed into lycra that would be over-revealing even if it weren’t three sizes too small, I often have a hard time understanding Cagelish. The way cagers speak is different from us. I’ve provided a cager dictionary to help explain some of their most common phrases.
It’s not in the usual order, but will be if they ever learn to alphabetize.
- Busy street: Place where I am currently driving my car. Usage: “Cyclists should never ride on busy streets.”
- Obey the traffic laws: Do something that I myself do not. Usage: “I hate those fucking cyclists because they refuse to obey the traffic laws.”
- Bicycle: Target. Usage: “There’s a bicycle.”
- That bicycle ran a stop sign: First element required in order to prove that cager’s invocation of Stand Your Ground was justified. Usage: “I was justified in using deadly force. I have it on video where that bicycle ran a stop sign.”
- Fucking faggot: Male bicycle rider. Usage: “Obey the traffic laws on this busy street you fucking faggot.”
- Fucking cunt: Female bicycle rider. Usage: “Obey the traffic laws on this busy street you fucking cunt.”
- I didn’t see him: I was texting. Usage: “Did I kill that bicyclist, officer? Oh, wow. I didn’t see him.”
- The bicyclist came from nowhere: I was fiddling with my car radio. Usage: “Did I run over and crush that bicyclist’s pelvis, officer? Oh, wow. The bicyclist just came from nowhere.”
- Your taxes don’t pay for these roads: You deserve to die. Usage: “Hey, you fucking faggot! Get off this busy street! Your taxes don’t pay for these roads, you asshole!”
- Ride on the sidewalk: If you don’t do as I advise I will kill you. Usage: “Hey, you fucking cunt! Get off this busy street! Ride on the sidewalk!”
- Spin bike: What real cyclists do. Usage: “I would never ride on the road. It’s too dangerous. That’s why I love spinning at the spin class on my spin bike.”
- Bike path: Pedestrian zone. Usage: “Hey, you fucking faggot! You almost clipped my XXXL wife and twin baby stroller and three kids on leashes and my Irish Wolfhound! Ride on the fucking sidewalk or on the street, asshole!”
- Bicycle infrastructure plan: Scribblings of a lunatic. Usage: “I know how we can reduce congestion, clean the air, make people healthier, make them happier, and save money all at once while providing even MORE space for cagers. Let’s develop a bicycle infrastructure plan!”
- City council: Bicycle infrastructure plan crematorium. Usage: “Let’s take this bicycle infrastructure plan to the city council.”
- Stakeholder meeting: Public gathering where bicycle advocates are burned at the stake. Usage: “Let’s get grass roots consensus on this tiny bike lane on an unused street next to a school to make sure we don’t make any cagers crazier with rage than they already are by holding a stakeholder meeting.”
- Car: Means of conveyance guaranteed in the Bill of Rights, somewhere around the Second Amendment, or the Third. Usage: I drive a car.
- Parking space: Bike lane. Usage: “There’s a perfect parking space.”
- Bicyclist: Terrorist. Usage: “Let’s kill all the bicyclists.”
- Police: Lazy public employees who should be ticketing and jailing bicyclists. Usage: “Why don’t the police arrest all those scofflaw bicyclists?”
- Gym: Mirrored restaurant. Usage: “I hate bicycling. That’s why I go to the gym.”
Bad day cycling around town yesterday, WM?
Perhaps Wanky is still in Houston, where every day is a bad day to cycle around town and the only small victory is making it home alive. It’s the second worst place to ride a bike after the entire state of Florida.
Stay safe WM.
It’s even worse than that. Wanky lives in bicycle paradise but is fueled by a strange compulsion to write things on his computer and disseminate them to his two readers. It is only after they are written and disseminated that he considers whether they had even the slightest tincture of truth. Usually they do not.
Worse … no cycling at all!
Fog Line: Strip to the right side of which all cyclists should ride regardless of whether there is concrete. “Ride in the bike lane you fucking beatch!”
Bike path: Pedestrian zone. Usage: “Hey, you fucking faggot! You almost clipped my XXXL wife and twin baby stroller and three kids on leashes and my Irish Wolfhound! Ride on the fucking sidewalk or on the street, asshole!” LMFAO Love you, Wanky. p.s. This also applies to Costco on a Saturday (minus the dog)
Bromance! Love you, too.
Did i help inspire a Wankmeister post?! I was gonna say that #1 was my favorite, until I got to #16. Wankmeister: still the meister.
Inspire? I plagiarized right off of your comment! Thanks, Erik!
I agree with most of this, but especially the first sentence of #19…”Lazy Public employees…”
Got an amazing shipment in the mail yesterday. I think I’m gonna love it.
Compassion Rage: Overboiling anger in response to a stimulus that is intended to provoke a compassionate response…usually exhibited following failure to heed warnings #5 or 6 and prior to police statements # 7 or 8 to the near lifeless mass of mangled flesh & shattered carbon strewn about.
Usage: “You moron, I’m glad you’re alive but I gave you a fucking warning…now look at that dent in my truck! Don’t you know the law says you’re supposed to yield to the larger vehicle turning? I’m normally such a nice guy, but that’s going to cost me $150 bucks to fix and I won’t be able to take Mrs. XXXL out to Costco for free food samples this week. Next time you dent my stuff…I kill you!”
Love it, wanker!!!
Free food samples at Costco! Har!
What an excellent list! Very amusing and sadly too true.
#2. Ha, nothing like reckless drivers pulling over to tell you to obey the laws. I had a lady do this recently. I said, “Mam, you are holding up traffic and you just pulled over, did you signal?” She did not like this.
#9 That one is classic! I love having that shouted at me.
I’ve got a question, why in the fuck is it legal for cops to talk on personal cell phones while “working” in a cruiser? That really pisses me off.
I once let an aging ‘neck in a red pickup know what I thought of his close pass. He slowed down, leaned out his window and said, “Boy, if my wife wasn’t here in the car I’d shoot your goddamn head off.” I thought it was nice he took her needs into consideration.
Now that’s got me har-har-ing out loud!
It’s legal for cops to break the law whenever they want to because we live in something called a “police state.”
The NSA vehemently denies that they are operating a police state. To show how kind and not police-statey they are, they have decided to give you an all expenses paid trip to the Caribbean, some place called Guantanamo Bay.
Sign me up!
“Interspecies communication is communication between different species of animals, plants, fungi or bacteria. Interspecies communication research in the sciences and the arts has produced results, giving hope that we may someday be able to communicate with certain animals on an advanced level.” -Wikipedia
…Still sounds like “OO-OO-AA-AA” to me.
I’ve had my most successful human-to-cager communications occur through the use of sign language.
You know… that’s true. I must be expecting too much from the cagers, kind of like when people tell their dogs, “Backyard! Go to the backyard!” And all they can do is tilt their head and slobber. It’s not their fault they were born that way. Maybe I should consider that and have pity. I don’t ever recall a time when I told a dog, “FUCK YOU. Dickhead. Praise the Lord.” That would just be unfair. And hypocritical, as I am a vegetarian and therefore assumed to be an animal lover.
Really? I always just assumed that vegetarians were vegetable haters.
But you’re right, and it makes sense. Who tells a dog to fuck off?
Cagers do, however, need to be spoken firmly to, and it’s not unthinkable to also rub their noses in poop and swat them with newspapers when they get out of line.