All butthurt and such

September 14, 2013 § 17 Comments

I’m sensitive and timid. When my friends criticize me I get all butthurt, and when cars crawl up my ass at 60 mph, I get scared. That’s normal, right?

I had a long Facebag debate with a dude I admire and respect, a grizzled old opinionated PCH gutter troll who has seen it all and done almost everything that is legal between consenting adults. His take was simple. Ride on PCH in the lane without taking into account other factors, and you’re fucktard stupid. Encourage others to do the same and you have blood on your hands.

My position was just as simple. Ride in the lane and control the lane because it’s safer and it’s legal. I trotted out my arguments, which went like this: Blah, blah, blah. And blah.

Getting from “Blah” to “I’m right and you’re not”

In order to ease the pain and reduce the swelling from the butthurt, I had a few beers. Then I went to Cho Dang and gorged on pork bulgogi, after which I came home and fixed up a honkin’ big bowl of ice cream, inhaled it, and fixed up another one. Butthurt cured!

Somewhere between the kimchi and the bulgogi, it occurred to me that the argument about “how to ride safely on PCH” was a silly one. Maybe, instead of being the alley of death that terrorizes us so, PCH is pretty damned safe. Maybe hardly any cyclists die there when they ride in groups, whether in the lane or in the gutter. Maybe given the number of miles driven, bongs inhaled, vicodin popped, messages texted, cell phones fished out jersey pockets and answered while riding, and miles pedaled, PCH isn’t all that dangerous.

Maybe you’re going to live when you pedal PCH no matter what, simply because most people who drive that stretch of road know it’s shared by cyclists and, more importantly, they don’t want to fuck up their clearcoat with biker splat. Maybe the real issue isn’t “Which method is safer?” but rather “Which one do you like better?” kind of like “Vanilla or chocolate?”

I like smooth and easy

Even if one method is marginally safer than the other, the chance of YOU getting killed on PCH is minimal. If you prefer riding in the gutter and showcasing your amazing glass-and-rock-and-used-dildo avoidance skills, then ride there. If you think nice, clean, smooth, wide roadways with great panoramic views are the bomb, then take the lane. Either way, the traffic on PCH is almost certainly going to steer around you.

If the “almost certainly” gives you heartburn, then you have a third option. Get a medical marijuana prescription, fire up the Netflix, order a pizza, and stay the fuck home. I’ll be out on PCH. In the lane. And enjoying the view.

§ 17 Responses to All butthurt and such

  • dan martin says:

    Weed, a movie, and pizza?…If I can add couple beers you know what the answer to that question is.

  • Dang…gutter troll?…I prefer gutterbag.
    I’ll follow you anywhere Wanky…I’ve got your back….or your front if you need to get out of the wind for a spell.

    • fsethd says:

      Gutter troll was Knoll. He knows what he’s talking about. Can’t say he’s wrong, just that I disagree. In the end, we all die anyway. Hood ornament is as good a way to go as any, I guess.

  • samgwall says:

    Haven’t ridden MB-Malibu since maybe ’81, helmetless and unafraid, but thinking about it now? That being said,
    take the lane.

  • Noel says:


  • Noel says:

    Sef, In the end… if folks remember to think about what they’re doing out there… everyone wins. I’m generally happy when anyone at any skill level is out there thinking about where their wheels go… and so… even if mommy and daddy disagree… the point is that everyone reminds themselves to think about their choices. It’s an awfully fine line out there… and the collaboration between us, the cars, and the good people of Malibu… well, we can’t ever not think about it, talk about it, and invite pals to not numb out. It’s a testament to that collaboration between cars and bikes on that crazy ass road that so many of us come out in one piece. Relaxed vigilance and critical thinking are the best rididng partner we have.
    xxxxx Noel.

    ps, We did take the lane from cross creek to temescal on the way back… but we did that today because it was right. It might not be right tomorrow. That’s all i mean. You rock brother.

    • fsethd says:

      You are such a bitch dog. Giving me butthurt, buttburn, sackrash, tip inflammation and then taking the lane all the way back. You owe me three cans of ointment and an iced coffee.

      But I hear you … judgment is key. Thanks for everything.

  • tunverzagt says:

    I’ve been on two PCH rides since the “take the lane ride” and I think it’s funny that, as Noel mentioned, all the rides take the lane at some point. Even the people who claim it’s not safe. Do they not realize that they are doing it? Do they forget? I also agree, you ALWAYS have to be paying attention and do what’s right in any given situation. But what I don’t undertand is why people think it’s safer to ride 6 inches from the parked cars than to take the lane. Why do they think it’s safer to jet in and out of parked cars which is unpredictable then to just stay in the lane until there is an extended shoulder that can safely be riden. Our take the lane ride was the most pleasant and safest ride, end to end, of any PCH ride I’ve ever done.

  • Noel says:

    Riding the lane for the sake of it, when riding to the right of the fog line is a safe and viable option doesn’t make you safer on the road.. it makes you an a**hole and its unfair to drivers and residents. All it does is enrage drivers and turn people against us. Riding the lane because its the best option is common-sense, and it is (often times) the best-passage given the conditions. This normal behavior and is generally obvious to all concerned. Do you folks not see the difference? If you don’t… we absolutely have a problem. It’s just not that hard to sound it out. Reality, the other white meat.


    • fsethd says:

      “Riding the lane for the sake of it, when riding to the right of the fog line is a safe and viable option doesn’t make you safer on the road …”

      This is really the question,whether riding to the right of the fog line is safe and viable as compared to controlling the lane, and it can’t be resolved by a statement. The only way to test the statement is to try the two alternatives.

      You’ve only tried one alternative, I’ve tried both. You should try the other alternative and see how it works out.

  • Noel says:

    I think most of the guys you respect will tell you candidly to take a moment and reflect on the impact corking the lane is going to have on all of us… because its so nice the the cops here don’t harrass us like they do down south. And I’d like you ask you to let it go on good faith… and I think again.. most of the folks you most respect and care about feel the same. If you want to do this alone or with a single pal have at it… but please don’t make this a group thing because, ultimately.. we’re all going to suffer for what you’ll eventually realize is a lame idea that appeals only to outliers and that will likely negatively impact what is a delicate ecosystem up here. If you feel like you really need to take a small group and ride the lane where there’s a shoulder available and safe… do it down south where cops already harrass rides.

    With respect,


    • fsethd says:

      I respect guys like Dan Gutierrez and Bob Shanteau as well as my hardcore Lycra pals.

    • fsethd says:

      Join the CABO forum on Google and the Cyclists Are Drivers group on FB. Argue your points there. You may change your mind. These folks are not outliers.

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