All doped up (and nowhere to go)

September 15, 2013 § 22 Comments

Copied and pasted this awesome interview from Gazetta dello Sport (with the help of Google translate).

Interviewer: How does it feel to be the oldest ever winner of a Grand Tour?

Chris Horner: Old. Very old.

Int: Many say you achieved it through doping.

CH: Fuck them. People want to know what I was on? I was on my bike.

Int: You must admit that age 57 is quite old to be dominating athletes in their 20’s and 30’s in the prime of life.

CH: Yeah, it is. (Chuckles).

Int: And you must admit that having spent the majority of your career during the “Golden Era” of blood manipulation makes your victory more than a little suspect.

CH: Yep. Sure does. But you know what?

Int: What?

CH: I’ve never tested positive. And I’m the second most-tested athlete in the history of sport.

Int: You raced alongside Lance Drugstrong while the team was being run by “Chuckles” Bruyneel, who is now being investigated by the Belgian Cycling Federation for violating the first rule in the charter of that nation’s cycling bylaws.

CH: What rule is that?

Int: Don’t get caught.

CH: Right.

Int: So what do you have to say about the estimated VAM of 2034 and a power-to-weight ratio of 6.83 watts/kg on the climb to the finish at Peña Cabarga?

CH: What’s a VAM?

Int: It stands for “Vaglia Antimorto Muscatini.” In English, it means “Analysis of power and output vectors normalized by the number of completely doped and dropped Italians and Spaniards.”

CH: Never heard of it.

Int: Your power-to-weight ratio at at Peña Cabarga and on the Angliru was roughly equivalent to that of a 2-stroke motorcycle. How is that possible?

CH: Training and proper diet.

Int: But you are famous for eating McDonalds …

CH: Like I said.

Int: Given your age, your close affiliation with Drugstrong, and your dominance in a clearly juiced field, how can the fans have any confidence in this outcome?

CH: The fans are people. And people are stupid.

Int: But you can’t expect to fool them forever, can you?

CH: I don’t have to. There’s an entire industry of cycling publications that are standing in line to trumpet my success. They could give a shit about my drug usage as long as I sell copy and pimp product.

Int: The “fanboys with typewriters”?

CH: No. They use Word now.

Int: This makes you only the third American, behind LeMond and Hampsten, to win a Grand Tour. How does that feel?

CH: Uh, aren’t you forgetting someone?

Int: No.

CH: Lance. Lance won the Tour seven times.

Int: All of those wins were stripped by the World Anti Doping Agency Hypocrisy Council.

CH: Look, Lance won those Tours. He might have been juiced to the gills, but it was an even playing field. Like Hitler.

Int: Excuse me?

CH: Hitler killed millions. But so did Stalin. And Pol Pot. And Idi Amin. See? It was a level playing field. Their records stand.

Int: The next-oldest winner of any Grand Tour was 36, and the oldest victor of the Vuelta was Tony Rominger at 33, during the “anything goes” days of unlimited EPO. You’re almost 300 years older than Tony. How do you explain it?

CH: What is there to explain? I’ve never tested positive.

Int: On today’s stage up the Angliru you were formidable and repelled each of the attacks by Nibali, who won the Giro on more drugs than a horse farm. How do you explain it?

CH: Two words. Marginal gains and volcano doping.

Int: That’s four words.

CH: What do you assholes want? Extreme athletic performances or parking lot crits? Throw me into a 21-day concentration camp with climbs that make the Dolomites look like a pasture and I’m gonna do what it takes to win. Throw me into a CBR crit and …

Int: And?

CH: (Grins) I’m STILL gonna do what it takes to win.


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§ 22 Responses to All doped up (and nowhere to go)

  • Peter Schindler says:

    I guess there is hope if I dope at 64. Or is 57 the cutoff?

  • Doug_K says:

    The 2034 VAM includes drafting in the less steep part of the climb. When he was more or less alone the VAM is 1794.
    Anyway he’s got heart

  • renagade69 says:

    Hey… where’s the old adage of ” can’t you all Play Nice?” parents are failing to teach a little respect and manners these days. and Yes, I might be a little partial because I have the same Surname….. “just sayin”

  • scam watson says:

    Every salesman gets his day. Killjoys don’t get paid!

  • Filipe says:

    Far from me to defend a doper, however if the climb is short enought even i can manage 6,83 W/kg (2 or 3 min maybe).
    He won a GT, so history is against him but I find Froome’s performance on Ventoux (50 min climb) a little more over the top then the 17 min Pena Cabarga. But it has always been a freak show.

  • Hwy. 39 says:

    I assume, as the rider in the leader’s jersey and eventual winner of a Grand Tour, Horner was, at the very least, tested daily this past Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday while he was in Red.

    Curiously, USADA requested a “random” out-of-competition test on Horner for today, Monday 9/16, to be conducted by the Spanish anti-doping authorities. But USADA sent the Spanish Vampires to the wrong hotel. And then information regarding a “missed drug test” is “leaked” to the media.

    How can one know USADA sent the testers to the wrong hotel? Athletes must keep USADA informed of their whereabouts AND provide a testing window. Here is a quote from USADA’s website:

    “In addition, athletes who are part of the USADA International Testing Pool (ITP) must provide a 60-minute time slot each day between 6 a.m. – 11p.m. where they can be located for testing.”

    USADA sent the vampires to the wrong hotel at the right time, 6-7:00 am.

    After the “leak” to the media, Horner’s team fought back. They posted online Horner’s email to USADA (with receipt confirmation from USADA) that he sent before the final stage on Sunday to inform USADA of his whereabouts and time availability on Monday 9/16 and beyond. He switched hotels to be with his wife Sunday night and designated a time of 6am-7am Monday morning.

    Why request a test at all on the day after Horner wins a Grand Tour? Horner would have been tested the last four days of that race for being the leader. An unnecessary test, at the right time, in the wrong place, plus a leak to the media means this had nothing to do with cleaning up the sport and everything to do with embarrassing Chris Horner.

    I’m not sure who is more deplorable, the athletes who dope or the clearly biased watchdogs that are clearly out to get them. As for Horner, until he fails a test or someone rats him out, he deserves the benefit of the doubt.

    • fsethd says:

      No, he doesn’t deserve the benefit of the doubt, not from me, and not from anyone else familiar with the last 100 years of drugs and cycling, and not from anyone familiar with Team Radio Shack, Bruyneel, Drugstrong, etc.

      Nor does he deserve the benefit of the doubt from anyone with even a passing understanding of the miraculousness of his wattage and his advanced age and the complete wrecking of 100 years of history showing the unlikelihood of a grandpa winning a Grand Tour.

      Let’s just all take a deep breath and remember that “It’s a drug-fueled freak show and always has been.” Then sit back and enjoy the show, but, like a movie theater, don’t ever confuse the suspension of disbelief with the suspension of reality.

      • Richard Schoenberg says:

        I’ll try to sum up my opinion of the exchanges including your response.

        So, I took the time and trouble to review your Strava numbers (apparently we have 6 friends in common), and I must say on face value it is quite impressive. Extraordinary in fact! Actually Unbelievable!

        Which begs the question, are we to believe that you average nearly 300 miles a week? Given that you must have a paying job (certainly this isn’t paying the rent), how could you possibly ride 300 miles a week on average! I just don’t believe it !

        I suspect that you have doped your Garmin and we are seeing the results of your unabashed attempt to impress your friends !

        Sounds stupid, and yes it’s meant to, but let me say this about your commentary. It’s apparent that you know a ton about riding and cycling in general, but you don’t know shit about Chris Horner.

        • fsethd says:

          I don’t ride 300 miles per week. I put those numbers in manually to impress people who don’t know me.

          I’m sure Chris is the exception. He trains harder than all 300 other pros. He wants to win more than any of them. He is a nicer guy. He believes in America and helps other people more. He has a wonderful family.

          And when my Strava numbers start showing 6.83 w/kg, you can be certain I’m doing every drug known to man, and many that are strictly the province of horse veterinarians.

      • Hwy. 39 says:

        “It’s always prudent to keep a bit of skepticism given cycling’s recent history, but crying Wolf every time someone puts in a good performance kills the sport just as much as the dopists.”

        Posted by Lukenwolf at CN. Somebody linked to this post over there, so you should be getting a nice uptick in traffic.

        I don’t know if Horner cheated and neither do you. You have strong suspicions and an overabundance of cynicism, but no evidence or proof. If I didn’t know better I’d say you were a DA or a cop.

        • fsethd says:

          You’re right, I don’t know in the sense of having direct evidence. But the circumstantial evidence is overwhelmingly against him.

          I’m a plaintiffs lawyer…

          There was a big spike from the link.

          I’m not cynical (cynics never think they are cynical). I’m just unwilling to accept exceptional performances in professional sport as drug free except on a limited, case-by-case basis.

          The sport isn’t ruined. People will always believe in clean performances or accept doping as a level playing field. But not me!

  • Richard Schoenberg says:

    Chris has been an exception for his entire career. Clearly, your beliefs are not going to be swayed by anything I say.

  • No one of consequence says:

    Doping chatter is so last spring. On a more important note, dude looks just like Mr. Burns, right?

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