Cookson declares all dopers “Gone.”

Brian Cookson, newly elected head of the UCI, met with the press today to declare that all dopers were officially “Gone.” A transcript of the press conference is below.

Reporter: Uh, what do you mean, “Gone,” Mr. Cookson?

BC: What do I mean? Old fellow, they’re all gone. Zabriskie quit yesterday. Then Flecha announced he’ll quit after the annual Tour de Smog in Beijing. Vandevelde. Who’s left?

REP: Many believe that Horner’s on the juice …

BC: Horner? No contract. The market has spoken. “No more cheeseburger pros.”

REP: What?

BC: That’s right, old man. Each time he says “I like cheeseburgers” the entire cycling additive industry drops 300%. And we can’t have that.

REP: But surely you can’t believe that there are no more dopers.

BC: Believe? Why of course I belie

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