Snips ‘n Snails

Monday: Cruising around, ran into Fukdude, Mel, and Kyle. We had an important business meeting at Java Man, where I told them some stories from a cross country trip back in ’85. They appeared to believe part of it. Updated Fukdude on the average size of Gulf Coast mosquitos for his upcoming bike trip from New Orleans to Pensacola. “Just put on a lot of Deet, huh?” he asked. “No,” I said. “That just pisses ’em off. Best defense is a full body suit, helmet and face mask, no exposed skin anywhere, and pray it’s not 95 degrees and 95 percent humidity. Which it always is.”

Sunday: Tumbleweed whipped up a classic sausage ‘n vegetables meal after our ‘cross race at Vail Lake. It was awesome, and washed down with several cold Lagunitas IPA’s, it was even better. Tumbleweed rode a great race until the final fifty feet, when, charging through the start-finish, a 15-foot strip of snow barrier came unhitched in the wind and wrapped around his bars and front tire in mid-sprunt. Thankfully, he landed on his head, so he was fine. T-Dub’s helmet count for 2013: four. And we’re not done yet!

Saturday: Had to forego the Donut in order to attend Parents’ Breakfast at my daughter’s law school. I showed up in my finest BWR t-shirt and appeared scruffy enough that one of the professors mistook me for a student. We immediately got into a huge argument over — I’m not making this up — “The Trial of Jesus.” I tried really hard to shut up but it didn’t work. Finally he said, “Well, I see I’ll have you in my property class next semester!” and it was very threatening. “Don’t count on it, pal,” I snarled. He then looked more carefully at my name tag and realized that despite my scraggly beard tuft and bad breath, I was a parent. Then it was, like, BFF!

Friday: Two heroic bicycle champions of the South Bay, Surfer Dan and Erik the Red gathered at Chez Wanky to send off Josh “the Net” Alverson for his 3-month sojourn to Australia. Erik and Net had requested the galactically famous Wanky Fromargs, and shortly after saying “I can’t really taste the liquor in these,” both gentlemen were slumped back in the couch, drooling, and staring off at the ceiling. Rumor has it that both awoke the following day before noon.

Other notes:

–Tara Unversagt returned from Manchester (a small town somewhere in Utah, I think), with four world championship jerseys and a silver medal for her 50+ division. Hats off to her, to Tim Roach, and to Phil “The Food Guy,” who now boasts an impressive string of skinny people doing impressive things on the bike.

–The Mike Nosco Memorial Ride is coming up on November 3rd. This event celebrates the life of Mike Nosco, who died in a traffic accident, and funds from the ride go to defray expenses of families who are treating a serious illness. It is a bike community event of the first order. Follow this link for more information and to sign up.

— Crazy and awful shit happens in the world of bicycles. In this case, local messenger Luis Avina was assaulted, mugged, and had both his legs broken by the attackers, who wielded hammers. You can get the details and make a contribution here. I did!

— Tim Roach and his henchmen pulled off a tremendous three days of racing at the VeloCenter in Carson with the Hollywood Championship Cycling 3-Day races. Bringing in top European pros and a full house of spectators, this was, by all reports, some of the best racing that’s been seen at the VeloCenter in a long time. I got no excuse for missing it other than tequila, Parents’ Day, and ‘cross racing.

–Confirmed wanker and full-time NPR hobbyist Dan Martin pwned the punks this weekend in a CBR Cat 5 upgrade race. The thoroughly humiliated 2nd place 23 year-old had to go home and explain to his mom how he lost a bike race to someone who could have been his great-grandfather. “The young man is fast. The old man tough and wise. And apparently fast, too.”

8 thoughts on “Snips ‘n Snails”

  1. Hey Wankman,

    The Hollywood Champ racing WAS as good as you have heard…Tim was doing his Tim stuff, Roger Young ‘splained the Madison to the crowd and Jack Simes III made sure the podium girls got dinner in the VIP area. And walked across the track during every heat and race, just because. And was a GREAT host, actually. Hung out with everybody, and that was how everybody was. Really chill and friendly. Nelson Vails and Ron Skarin and Ted Ernst and Tim Mountford and Johnny Walsh and that Crazy horse guy and a bunch of other fast old dudes showed up, mostly in suits. FB page is “HCCycling” for lots more and some fotos.

    And the racing was fast paced. Not just fast racing, which is always nice. But the events ran one right after the other, continuous like. Which is not always how it happens, but also nice. Announcers mixed up the teammates. A lot on the last night. But the crowd would yell the right names. Everybody else knew who they were by the third night.

    Lots of local trackies were in attendance, helping out and generally keeping things legit. Connie Cycling kids raced some of the support races during the breaks. Tim McGee had the biggest smile EVER when he beat Massie, Koch, and Lakatosh in a quickie scratch race.

    Only one minor crash in three days, despite having THIRTY fastmen on the track most of the time. There was some drama with the official standings to make up for the lack of blood and shattered carbon. And the women boycotted the last day. Actually. And were pissy about it. Well, so was Tim. And the officials.

    But it wouldn’t be a track race without some drama…right?

    No excuses, Wanker. Three nights. Hope they do it again!

  2. When frozen margaritas are not freezing and you cant taste any alcohol; you cant blame the machine, blame the heavy handed Dr. of Mixology. Tequila freezes at -10F. All you get is a slurry drink of bland lemony sleepy time.

  3. Not to brag, but four rainbow jerseys. 🙂 And HCC was FANTASTIC! I was lucky enough to make in back just in time. Even though it was 3am UK time, I couldn’t resist staying up a few more hours to see the last day. Loved the laid back atmosphere of the races and racers. Personalities definitely showed through. Fun, fun, fun!

  4. Cant wait to get out of the 5’s so I can be thoroghly humiliated and demoralized by guys my own age.

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