Bruyneel quits it calls

Former US Postal Service team manager Johan Bruyneel has acknowledged that he is unlikely to work in cycling again, saying that he is “pretty much done with cycling.”

After being fired, sued, banned for life, subject to a disciplinary hearing, subpoenaed, expelled from the Belgian Cycling Federation, arraigned for high crimes and misdemeanors, and made fun of in a local Belgian comic strip, the most successful team manager in the history of cycling to be stripped of every single Tour de France victory called a press conference in London to confirm that he will no longer pursue a career in cycling.

Below is a transcript of the colloquy.

London Times: Can you elaborate?

JB: I’m done. You won’t have old Hedgehog to kick around anymore.

Daily Mail: As you’re currently unable to work in cycling anywhere except Surinam, could you please elaborate?

JB: Sure. You can’t quit me. I’m fired.

Times: What’s that smell?

The Telegraph: Smells like cheap whiskey to me.

JB: I’m just fuggin’ done with this cycling bullshit.

The Guardian: You sound bitter.

JB: Bitter? Fuggin-A I’m bitter. Cycling gave me money, cigars, private jets, whiskey, and boinkettes. And now I’m the devil. What the fugg?

Times: Well, you smuggled drugs, broke international law, cheated, violated every rule in the WADA rulebook, and collaborated with one of the nastiest people in the history of the sport to destroy those who challenged you. Right?

JB: Oh, that’s easy to say now. But what about all the good I did? What about that?

The Telegraph: For example?

JB: Cancer. I cured cancer.

The Times: Wasn’t that Lance?

JB: Oh, yeah. Well, I

 

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