Professional cycling officially moves past dark history of doping

At a press conference today, UCI President Brian Cookson revealed that “The first official act of my administration in 2014 will be the announcement that doping in professional cycling has been eliminated once and for all. We have finally moved past the sport’s dark days of doping.”

Putting this into context, Cookson explained that “All of the news focuses on drugs and cheating and doping, and innocent people are harmed by the implications. You have perfectly clean riders being tarred as dopers because of the actions of a few bad apples who did bad-applish kinds of things in the past. Part of the ‘Clean Cycling’ initiative that I’ve begun is to help fans and casual cyclists, as well as amateur racers, understand that doping is no longer happening in our sport. We cannot continue to live in the past, and people are tired of all the bad news. People want good news.”

When asked how he could justify saying that doping had been eliminated, Cookson pointed to the following:

  • The biological passport. “It’s working. We’ve canceled the visas of numerous cheats through this program.”
  • More sophisticated testing. “Athletes know they will get caught, so they no longer have any temptation to cheat.”
  • Public shaming. “People won’t accept doping anymore. If you’re caught doping, you’re publicly humiliated. Shaming works.”

When asked about today’s revelations, in which Mick Rogers was busted for doping during the Tour of Japan, which he won, and in which Jonathan Tiernan-Locke was busted for doping passport violations, Cookson said, “There’s no better person to quote on this matter than Chris Froome, so I will. ‘We need to get on and start talking about the good things in the sport and the great racing that’s getting missed now because we’re harping on about what happened 10 years ago.’

“D’ye get that?” asked an agitated Cookson. “Doping happened ten years ago. Chris said it, I believe, and that settles it. Now, where can I get another drink?”

23 thoughts on “Professional cycling officially moves past dark history of doping”

  1. I am beginning to worry about Cookson’s concept of timing, given that a few months ago does not seem to equate to 10 years ago in my universe. However, maybe he is working at a pace that approaches the speed of light, which would account for the apparent discrepancy. Of course, to work at that speed, he might have to employ some sort of performance enhancer. The wheel continues to turn.

        1. Snort snort!

          “He time doped!”

          “How do you know?”

          “He went faster than the speed of light!”

          “Okay. We’re banning him for eternity.”

  2. jack from illinois (not my real name)

    The system works perfectly except when it doesn’t. This sounds vaguely familiar.

  3. Crooked Cookson sounds like he is ushering in a “new era” of higher TV revenues while cutting costs on a silly and unnecessary UCI independent drug enforcement agency that he initially discussed.

  4. Here I thought we were going to have a change in how cycling is governed. Clarkson is doing EXACTLY what his forerunners have done; claim that there is no doping in cycling. It would be better if he said nothing than to make a statement we all know is bullshit.

  5. Crap. I actually thought that Rogers was riding clean. Man, there’s no end is there? Well, Alberto has supplied him with an excuse already, right? “It’s in the meat……

  6. Just like leatherface’s dad says “you don’t skimp on the meat” just watch out for those hard shell peppercorns

      1. Time doping is perfectly legal till they find a test for it and as long as your within time doping parameters, you are good. If you are over you get sent to the sidlines for “Health reasons” you know, like the good ol days

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