Pro cyclist doping confession rejected by UCI
December 22, 2013 § 19 Comments
Belgian Jonathan Breyne, victor of the 8th stage in the Tour of Haifu Lake, had his doping admissions rejected by the UCI after testing of his B sample confirmed the presence of clenbuterol. In a press release issued by his Continental team Crelan-Euphony, Breyne confessed to the use of banned substances. “I knowingly used clenbuterol as part of a doping regimen in order to improve my performance. The clenbuterol assisted with recovery after Stage 7 and, I believe, substantially contributed to my victory the following day. I take full responsibility for this and other anti-doping violations.”
UCI president Brian Cookson emphatically rejected Breyne’s claims. “Ridiculous. What, does he take us for fools? He must have eaten tainted beef like everyone else.”
The UCI plans to vigorously prosecute Breyne’s innocence. “We will take this all the way to CAS if we must,” vowed Cookson.
Breyne, however, was adamant. “I’ve always been one of those ‘promising’ lads who winds up mid-pack. My breakthrough came when I began combining effective training with steroids and ‘marginal gain’ levels of EPO. That’s how we dope nowadays.”
Doping expert Billy Nietzsche was skeptical. “Thus spake Breyne, but it’s hard to believe he’s guilty without having gone through the usual panoply of excuses. It just doesn’t sound plausible when he says he doped, especially since he made the ‘admission’ without even crying or claiming to have used tainted supplements.”
Breyne’s team manager, Pfister Pfeister, reluctantly accepted the confession. “Looky ‘ere, eez da furst dime seence I been seein’ a feller say he was onna dopin pogrom jus’ first ting outta da box, quick like a little squirt an his first hooker, eh? But maybe eez tellin’ da troof, eh? Maybe?”
Results from the WADA-accredited lab in Chateauneuf-du-Pape were defended by the lab’s director, Jean Pouilly-Fuisse von Nagasaki. “These results conclusively prove that Breyne might not have doped. There is a mathematical chance of error, say on the range of twelve hundred thousand billion to one, that the overwhelming presence of clenbuterol in his urine sample, measured as roughly equivalent to three quarts of clenbuterol per gallon of blood, that those results were the result of contaminated beef, or contaminated sushi, or accidentally licking his roommate’s tainted meat, or just, you know, it got there because, Duck Dynasty. It’s that margin of possibility of error that demands, from a scientific and ethical point of view, that the athlete dispute the results.”
Breyne’s father, Yves-Marc Fauntleroy, confirmed the details of his son’s confession. “Every since he was a child we mercilessly demanded that he succeed. We gave him every opportunity and sent him to the best doping doctors. I offered to transfuse my own blood into storage bags for him. There’s no question that he’s guilty.”
Jonathan Vaughters, team boss for Garmin-Sharp-Apologia, was skeptical. “He may have been forced to dope because of his childhood dreams. It’s doubtful that he really did dope. The UCI is doing the right thing by prosecuting his innocence.”
Levi Leipheimer agreed. “I doped, but only after the threat of prison and losing my Gran Fondo. There’s no way this kid could have doped just to win some douchebag race in China. His confession flies in the face of all the hallowed excuses that bike racers have used since, like, forever. He hasn’t even pointed out that he never tested positive until he tested positive. That’s conclusive, in my opinion. He will ultimately be exonerated once the UCI presses their appeal.”
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http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/sport/cyclist-jonathan-breyne-attempts-suicide-after-positive-drug-test/story-fngr0c3m-1226788195996
If only they would accept his guilt.
Subscribed 🙂 Thank you for the great reads.
THANKS!!!
Scrambled, please. Side of biscuits & gravy, some half and half, glass of water and a couple of extra paper napkins with that, please?
Coffee?
x3. Hash browns. Maybe the Dan’s #3, with ham/biscuits (strawberry jam), in which case I won’t have room for the biscuits & gravy until next time.
Can I get clenbuterol at Costco?
Yes.
I think you’re onto something. After all, Cookson has said that the dark days of doping are in the past.
Into the light!
“Nietzsche….Thus spake…” Good one!
Nyuck, nyuck.
Clenbuterol is for dieting not recovery…I would have rejected that too….
And it’s also a great substitute for hair gel.
It increases lipid oxidation and oxygen transport. Use it in China and you have a decent cover story for when you’re popped.
… and … as I’ve been mentioning, it’s a great hair gel!
A case of bad timing – Breyme has been so upset by the whole thing that news leaked this morning that he tried to commit suicide …..his stomach has been pumped and he is currently in ICU in hospital.
I read that and thought it was totally fake. Swallowed a bunch of pills, told his parents and ran down to the hospital. Not much of a suicide attempt. More like an attention-grabbing stunt to “prove” how distraught he is at the “fake” accusations. But I’m probably just being cynical. Anyway, it’s the link embedded in the blog post.