Wankmeister cycling clinic #20: How to follow the Vuelta!
December 26, 2013 § 6 Comments
Dear Wankmeister:
I’m recently becoming on the cycling fan. With usual German thoroughness I have learned with excellence how to understand the Tour of France and the Giro of Italy. Before I learn to follow the Vuelta, however, could you explain to me what it is?
Curiously,
Neu Gierig
Dear Neu:
It is the largest bicycle race in the world that no one cares about.
Mit Wahrheit,
Wankmeister
Dear Wankmeister:
Sorry to bother you again, but if it’s such a big race, why doesn’t anyone care about it?
Still curious,
Neu Gierig
Dear Neu:
The main reason no one cares is that it’s a bike race, but there are other reasons too, like everyone using more illegal drugs at the Vuelta than the usual quota of illegal drugs at the other grand tours, and all the good riders quitting after a week or so in order to prep for worlds, and the same seven spectators who line the roads, and the fact that it’s in Spain, which most Americans confuse with Mexico and assume there’s a drug cartel on every corner waiting to kidnap them and sell their parts to be made into Al Contador’s beef.
Mehr Wahrheit,
Wankmeister
Dear Wankmeister:
Wow, you sure are an asshole! The Vuelta is the most exciting of all the grand tours! Spain is a friggin’ beautiful country. Great wine and food and perfect weather and bitches. Eff you, Cap’n d-bag! Also, Horner rocks time a million!
Fanboyishly,
Fanny Boy
Dear Fanny:
“The most exciting of all the grand tours” still translates into “as exciting as watching someone diagram sentences.”
Gramatically,
Wankmeister
Dear Wankmeister:
How would you compare the hardest climbs of the Vuelta, like the Angliru, with something like the Stelvio or the Alpe?
Comparatively,
Freddy Fredstone
Dear Freddy:
The main difference is that unlike the Alpe or the Stelvio, no one cares about the Angliru, and not just because it’s hard to pronounce. They don’t care because it’s part of the Vuelta. You could line the Angliru with porn stars and beer kegs and people still wouldn’t care. Wait a minute … I think we’re on to something.
Investingly,
Wankmeister
Cycling in the South Bay 
The correct term is Arschloch!
Hee, hee!
But it must be good for something. Maybe hemocrit. Chris’s actually increased during the race.
Get mo blood here.
Wiki- The manager of the Kelme team, Vicente Belda, said, “What do they want? Blood? They ask us to stay clean and avoid doping and then they make the riders tackle this kind of barbarity”
The Vuelta is not close to pro wrestling…it is pro wrestling.
Without the entertainment.