The Atheist Training Bible for Old Bicycle Racers, Chapter 1: Introduction

I still remember the time I got really serious about masters cycling, when I thought about getting coached. The next morning, after the hangover had worn off, I went back to my usual ways, but that evening of surfing the Internet was a very intense period in my life. That was in 2005.

A few years later I got the best coaching advice ever, from Ron Peterson. Ron is a top-notch SoCal coach who has taken countless wankers out of obscurity and into the global limelight of parking lot crit podiums. Here’s what Ron told me: “Seth, you’re uncoachable.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because you’re incapable of taking someone’s advice on any topic without either ignoring it, arguing about it, changing it, or doing it wrong.”

Self-evaluation

If you’re wondering whether the Wanky Training Program is right for you, please take the following quiz.

  1. Don’t fucking tell me what to do. Yes/No
  2. I don’t care what you think. Yes/No
  3. I’m pack fodder. Yes/No
  4. I’m delusional. Yes/No
  5. I’m old. Yes/No
  6. I’m cheap. Really fucking cheap. Yes/No
  7. I’m lazy. Yes/No

If you answered “Yes” to all of the above, you are a perfect candidate for the WTP.

Conceptual fundamentals

Before embarking on the WTP, it is important to grasp certain concepts. First, you aren’t any good and you never will be. This is the core principle for the WTP. Your essential lameness has been proven (in most cases) by years and years of mediocre results. You are better than some, but far worse than the best. No one who matters fears you, and no one who fears you matters.

Second, you are old. Age isn’t “just a number.” It’s an absolute statement about your rapid mental and physical decline, both of which are taking you on a deafening plunge towards a rather immediate death. Your best years aren’t simply behind you, they’re so far in the rearview mirror that they can’t be seen without bifocals and a telescope.

Third, winning is beyond your grasp, mentally and physically. All the drugs and all the training and all the coaching would never instill in you the gritty mental toughness required to win a bike race. You aren’t just physically weak, you are emotionally soft. When global warming throws the world into a cataclysmic war, you will be one of its very first victims.

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Tommorrow — Chapter 2: The Problem with Training Plans

28 thoughts on “The Atheist Training Bible for Old Bicycle Racers, Chapter 1: Introduction”

  1. ” No one who matters fears you, and no one who fears you matter”

    That would make a nice tshirt my friend

  2. Some gassed wanker

    Sign me up. I’m willing to learn any of the 7 that I don’t already meet!

  3. Ron has been coaching me for the last 4 months. He is the most knowledgable coach in the South Bay! Definitely hit him up if you are willing to do what it takes to improve.

    1. If you follow Ron’s training advice you will get better race results. Which is why candidates for the WTP will never get better race results.

  4. I know I’m not going to ever achieve greatness on the bike. Lacking good genes, metal toughness, blah blah blah. But I’m still going to try to make the best of what I have, with Ron’s help 🙂

    1. Ron will help you achieve your destiny. Plus, you are young and pretty, so who cares about bike racing?

  5. I don’t know Coach Ron, but “global limelight of parking lot crit podiums” sounds pretty bitchen, Wanky. I’m just not sure…

    1. Those who have studied at Ron’s feet, or on their knees, can testify to the heights they have attained. He is a dog among cats.

  6. “Donate a few seconds of your life that you’ll never get back”

    Don’t fucking tell me what to do.

    Looking forward to chapter 2 (& thank you for writing!)

    1. You’re welcome. I’m plugging some more words into my Blogbot Generator 2.1 as we speak.

    1. Actually, you might not make the cut, Dan. There is an extremely small, yet theoretical possibility, that you may one day win a race. A real one.

  7. I recently fired Ron because his training plans made me faster & more bike addicted than I wanted to be. Also I missed having a large ass and being a lazy lollygagger. The WTP sounds perfect for my 2014 “Bring Back My Butt” plan. Sign me up!

  8. I don’t want to race bikes. What if I want to master some other activity? Will the WTP help me?

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