10 reasons the World Cup is better than the Tour de France

Now is the summer frenzy held once every four years when British people remind us that it’s called “football,” when British people remind us that they invented the world’s most popular sport, and when British people quietly make their traditional early exit from the World Cup tournament grumbling “Wait ’til next time.”

Still, despite their national love affair with a sport they’re not very good at (something the French share with regard to cycling), after catching a few games on TV I’m convinced that World Cup soccer is way better than the Tour de France. Here’s why.

  1. To compete as a masters racer in cycling you need tens of thousands of dollars in equipment. To play World Cup soccer you need a pair of legs. And a ball.
  2. The winner of the World Cup is never determined two weeks before the tournament ends.
  3. The same team doesn’t win the World Cup seven times in a row and then have its victories nullified because of cheating.
  4. Chris Froome.
  5. The Tour may be the hardest sporting event in the world, but World Cup soccer displays the most athleticism — running, jumping, kicking, twisting, tackling, throwing up your arms in shock that you’ve been penalized for chopping an opposing player in the throat, and of course flopping.
  6. When you fly halfway around the world to watch a World Cup soccer match, you get to watch it live for more than 2 or 3 seconds.
  7. Soccer may not be as exciting as, say, snake tossing, but nothing is as boring as watching skinny people in their underwear pedaling bikes. Nothing.
  8. “Teamwork” never means “Everyone sacrifice everything for that one dude who is the only official winner.”
  9. You can start an argument, brawl, or minor riot in any bar in any country on earth by discussing the World Cup.
  10. When you talk about the World Cup winner, no one ever says “Who?”



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26 thoughts on “10 reasons the World Cup is better than the Tour de France”

  1. Short, to the point, and sweet.

    I personally became self-aware of both of these events at about the same time in the summer of 1982. Some German exchange students who were also at Penn State that summer asked me “Who do you like in the World Cup?” to which I replied “What is the World Cup?”. I was also by this time riding my bike quite a bit and riding with the local racers when they asked me “Who do you like for this years Tour?”. “What is The Tour?”

    That all said, everything you state above is true, in spite of its made up, and fictional nature.

  2. yeah, have to agree though
    1. have never kicked any of my cycling equipment through a basement window or up onto a school roof
    5. road rash is quite a disincentive to flopping

  3. You got my fellow English down to a tee, lol. If you are not English you gave no idea what it means to actually win something on an international level, even when we stand half a chance we are the masters of snatching failure from the jaws of victory, ie this year’s Dauphin. But with the recent run of success on two wheels no wonder the county has gone crazy for bikes, but we all have this nagging feeling in the back of our heads, “when will it end”.

    1. At noon after the DR tomorrow, there will be much soccer sucking at O’Flaherty’s Tap House in Golden Cove. You needn’t watch a minute of soccer, as full glasses of awesome Heroine IPA will be poured for all.

  4. Darn that Hoogerland fellow for floppin’ into that fence and lowering the standard for us all… Seriously though- rule 5 in the soccer manual was scratched out about 25 years ago…

    1. Fence flopping is so lame. Kind of like the Beloki flop a few years back … intentionally fracturing his pelvis and ending his career just to get a ride in an ambulance. Wanker!

  5. Its easy to get caught up in the nonsense but you only need a bike to enter a bike race. I do love football too though.

    1. I enjoy watching soccfoot more than underwear pedaling. It’s more dramatic. It doesn’t drag on for hours. The same three teams don’t win every match. It’s truly global. And the corruption is on a much bigger scale.

      1. The corruption in football is arguably only kept off the top step of the podium by the wizards at the Olympics. Those guys had marginal gains down back before the war, never mind what they’re up to these days. F1 keeps them guessing but until it becomes an olympic sport I guess Bernie is never going to chair the IOC. Particularly if that pesky German inquiry keeps hammering on about his media deals.

        Its all coming from the same postcode so we should expect nothing less than world-class corruption all round when it comes to global sport.

        And yes, football is better to watch. Mostly.

  6. I really love riding my bike in my underwear, but casual park soccer is one of those things that I can enjoy with all my friends who don’t like riding bikes around in their underwear.

    And the World Cup is way more fun to watch than the Tour.

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