After the loving

I’ve begun seeing bicycle racer posts requesting money to “help me get to nationals” or to “fund my attempt to race the Tour de Beerfart.” That’s okay, I suppose; begging has always come naturally to me (have you subscribed to this blog yet? It costs $2.99 per month, which is less than you spend on rim cement and marginally more entertaining).

I suppose it’s also okay for people to chase their dreams, even when their dreams are beyond their means and require angel investors to pick up the tab for gas. We run a permanent welfare state for corporations and the rich, so why not a little extra charity for deadbeat bike racers?

But then I think back to January, when the lovemaking was so intense, when the professions of adoration and loyalty were on everyone’s lips. I think about the fresh, taut pull of the new kits, the luxurious taste of the new recovery drink formulas, the screaming sleekness of the new aero bike frames, the sensuous fit of the carbon-soled racing shoes, the gladiator masks of the new shades. I think about the protestations of love and about how each sponsored masters racer preened in front of the mirror, danced on the pedals during team training camps, and proudly strutted in front of the weekend group rides.

And, like the Led Zeppelin song said, “It makes me wonder.” It makes me wonder what you sorry ass take-the-swag-and-run deadbeats have been doing to pimp the brands since then?

Where are the social media posts? The tweets? The blogs? Where is the shameless self-promotion, the periodic reminder to all and sundry that the only reason you’re wearing this trick shit is because YOU PROMISED TO PIMP IT.

Do you know what happens to a whore who doesn’t strut her stuff in order to make money for her pimp? He dumps her quicker than a colon dealing with a bad street burrito. However, in amateur cycling, this hardly happens because hardly anyone really expects that the athletes will do anything more than give the most perfunctory praise for the stuff they get for free, even though it’s stuff without which they probably couldn’t race their stupid bikes.

Of course in between uploading data to Strava, counting calories, analyzing the results of all twelve categorized races in last weeks crits, cruising FB for photos of yourself that you can steal from the photographers and make your new profile pic, it’s sometimes difficult to remember the names of your sponsors, much less reasons to say good things about them. And anyway, it’s time for dinner.

Because bike racers are thoughtless, selfish, inconsiderate turds and because they aren’t always the most adept at creative writing, I have put  together some stock sponsor promotional language that you can use on FB, Twitter, the Honey-Do list on the fridge, etc. to show how much you’re doing to really earn those thousands of dollars in swag that really ARE a smart investment by your sponsors (hee, hee).

  1. Bike. “My Chinarello is the lightest, fastest, stiffest, most responsive bike I have ever not had to pay for. It handles better than a porn star. I would never have podiumed at the Beerfart Crit on any bike but this one.”
  2. Recovery/precovery/postcovery Drink Mix. “Thanks to Amalgamated Steroid Labs’ specialized prostate enhancer, I am able to train 20% longer, go 34.3% harder, and recover 12.98% better than when I was using Ol’ Buzzardpuke Lipid Replacement Drink and Plumbing Unguent. I take Amalgamated products before, during, and after sex. You should, too.”
  3. Clothing. “Last season I kept getting dropped because the paper-thin, sandpaper chamois on my old team kits would wedge up my (buttcrack/vaginal crease) and cause horrific irritations, lesions, and antibiotic resistant nodules. Now, with my ultra aero kits by Fluffer Racing, the pad is big enough to spread out and have a picnic on (after you scrape off the skid marks). I’ve never been more comfortable.”
  4. Sunglasses. “We used to ride Dokely Eyewear because our team manager thought it was kind of cool to look like your face had been sheathed in a motorcycle fairing with mud flaps on the bottom and side. We crashed a lot, though. Now we only wear EAVESDROP Optic products with their patented Beer Goggle Technology so that everyone looks beautiful even when you’re not drunk. Talk about happy!”
  5. Wheelsets. “Our old Creekncrack Wheels were round, but our new Zippy Wheels are even more round. Studies show that Zippy’s patented More Round Technology translates into more roundness. And round is good.”
  6. Helmets. “Time was, I was afraid to go down in a bunch sprint at forty and crack my head on the pavement. But now that I’m riding the new Styro-gira I crash all the time on my head and feel fine. It comes with fourteen layers of styrofoam infused with chitinous crab shell bits. Fifty-three major blows to the head so far this year and I’ve never felt better!”

Okay, athletes. Now you know what to say … so get out there and say it!

END

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19 thoughts on “After the loving”

  1. Sandy Hackney

    Well, I did buy your book and someday I may even finish it! And, on every ride, I tell people (you can tell they are listening to me!) about Wankmeister and his fantastically funny blog and it only costs free or maybe if they are really listening, $2.99. So, even tho I can only afford $100/month for my internet, $100/month for my phones, and $100/month for my Dish, somehow that $2.99 seems so much compared to FREE! What is a cheap bastard to do?

      1. Sandy Hackney

        And to think, after I finally finished your book today (great chapters at the end), and praised it to my wife, I am reviled by the author. Sigh…..

        1. Not being reviled! Being encouraged to engage in frugality. We’re all going to live to be 120, you know.

  2. Funny as ever, the penny just dropped, they ride around in circles for the swag. Much better for the soul than say just riding GMR with all that nasty climbing.

      1. I beat you to it. I am going to make some Mouvedre this year that will be called, “Ol’ Buzzardpuke Lipid Plumbing Unguent.” (had to delete a fewe words there because of my effete wine snobbery.
        Funny thing is, nobody in the wine biz has yet to call their wine that’name’ yet….hmmm….

  3. Barbara Radnofsky

    So…..will you be reporting on the pay pal sign ups for your blog? When movie stars buy Corsicana Fruitcakes, the company proudly lists them as customers. You are every bit as good as the fruitcake company.

  4. I pay for my kit, so I don’t pimp. Nor do I recall seeing Wanky pimp in the blog. But I’m old, my memory is spotty, and after flogging meself in the saddle for half the say (a trick I can’t recommend), I’m not motivated to go through old Wanky posts to see if I’m mistaken.

    1. Everything I get through the team is at a team rate. Moreover, even if I paid full freight it still takes a lot of time and therefore money for our myriad sponsors to put together a team. If you appreciate what other people do for you, find a way to thank them. If you see it as a purely business transaction, or as a scenario where your sponsors are actually in debt to you, then don’t. Of course as my grandfather always used to say, “It doesn’t cost anything to be nice.”

      Anyone who’s been on the organizing/sponsoring end of a bike team knows what a thankless task it is …

  5. WTF! I subscribe and all that rot…yet my email notices quit coming. I want to be lazy and click once…not have to remember and go to CITSB and find the date, and spend, like, 11 seconds in the process.

    1. There has been a glitch with WordPress and they have deleted many of my subscribers from email notification. Thanks for letting me know — I will re-add you. Sorry!!

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