The Atheist Training Bible for Old Bicycle Racers, Chapter 8: Annual Review

The most important part of your season comes now: After your season.

If you have been following the Wanky Training Plan ™ since January, you will have a solid season of results to carefully review. Your performance in each race will provide key insights into aspects of your racing that need improvement, as well as those aspects in which you have excelled, and will therefore seek to replicate next year.

The most crucial aspect of the Wanky Training Plan ™, and the one that has likely been hardest for you to implement, has of course been the high cadence pedaling style. If you stuck with it, you have likely seen a revolution in your performance as you have metamorphosed from a plodding clogstacle into a graceful, speedy, gazelle.

To help you properly review your season, I’ve selected some of my best results from 2014 so that you can see how a proper evaluation will lead to analysis of strengths and weaknesses for 2015.

Boulevard Road Race: The season began with a powerful and impressive DNF, in which all of the successful strength and high rpm-training exercises in the off season came to fruition. Although I did not actually finish the race, I got to test several electrolyte replacement fluids for ease of digestion and ease of puking them back out on the climb.

Red Trolley Crit: My first crit of the year featured a strong moral victory in which I went to the front and spun very hard. Although I did not actually finish the race, the key objective of not falling off my bicycle was achieved 100%.

UCLA Road Race: This was a super hard race and marked the first time in 2014 that I finished a race, so it was actually considered a first-place finish (by me) even though the technical placing was 29th. Out of 30. By spinning very quickly I was able to not over-tire myself, meeting another key objective, i.e. looking good on the finish line.

CBR Race #2: In my second crit of 2014, I achieved an impressive finish by finishing. Spinning played a key role in my ability to achieve 26th place out of 37 racers, a massive improvement of three placing from the week before. Simple math showed that in a mere eight more races I would mathematically be guaranteed to finish in first place.

Chuck Pontius Road Race: This was a blustery and challenging race where all aspects of the Wanky Training Plan ™ were utilized, including the refusal to cry. It also showed how continual spinning and recovery can lead to amazing results. I earned an impressive top ten finish, finishing 10th place out of ten finishes and 13 starters. Good things were clearly just around the bend as I was now peaking.

San Dimas Stage Race: Putting together all the pieces of a complex, 3-day stage race, I spun my way to 31st in the time trial,  39th in the road race, and 37th in the crit for an overall GC of 38th. This devastated the two racers who came in 39th and 40th, respectively, and showed that high cadence racing allows you to conserve until the end.

It was at this point in the season that things really came together — 22nd in the LA Circuit Race, 28th at the District Championships (29th place is still sobbing over his bitter defeat), and 146th at the Belgian Waffle Ride made this unquestionably the strongest spring campaign I’ve had in 30+ years of bike racing. But the best was yet to come.

Although I did not finish either Saturday or Sunday of the 805 Crit Series, we successfully rented a motor home and did not drive it off a cliff or get arrested. Thanks, Wanky Training Plan ™!


22 thoughts on “The Atheist Training Bible for Old Bicycle Racers, Chapter 8: Annual Review”

  1. Modesty may be your forte. Just the fact that you neglected to mention the added amount of fermented electrolytic recovery beverages you were allowed to imbibe due to your rapid-fire pedaling cadence is the true measure of a champion. That and marginal gains. I hope to one day graduate from DNS’ to DNFs.

  2. The big 3 component manufacturers have seen a spike in the number of compact cranksets being purchased for 2014. I think they owe you compensation for that

  3. Andy Schleck has nothing on Wanky.

    On a related note, I went on WTP this year and managed to finish Mt. Tam Double Century only 2.5 hours slower than the previous time I rode it. But I felt fresh and strong at the finish, which, I understand, is the most important thing. (Averaging 100 miles a week for most of the year and a 2014 long ride of 90 miles had nothing to do with the result.)

  4. While I think there is great merit in the Athiest Training Bible for Old Racers. I much prefer your Triple B program and will continue to adhere to a strict regimen of Beer, Bread and Butter.

  5. You have covered the Atheist Training Bible.What about the Christian,Protestant,Catholic,Agnostic,Hindu,Muslim,Buddhist,Jewish,and any other of those crazy religions. Seth, you need to be more inclusive!

  6. When I was writing my response I was looking for a word that wasn’t coming to me at the time and that word was bigoted. Well done Wank.

  7. It is hard to see dangerous riding through the smog of powered sugar donut dust and pizza smeared Ray Bans. Quite picking on the Blue Shirts, they make crashes happen and keep the hospitals and bike industry thriving. Call the helicopter, another Master down in turn one.

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