I got a knock on my door late last night, it was Maurice, one of the guys I met out behind the dumpster at Bunny’s. You won’t believe what he had, he had my bike. Yep, my team bike. He said he had seen some guy riding it and him and a bunch of the other guys had knocked him down and brought it back to me.
Are you really a pro athlete he asked me and I said yeah, why and he said because my apartment was all full of empty silver bullets what, was I training for the beer Olympics? And so we sat on the couch and emptied a few more and I offered to give him one of my belts but he laughed and said no thanks. Then I told him anytime him and the boys wanted to come by and have a drink they knew where to come.
Then after Maurice left I got a call from Krankewitz he said I should start doing some of the local training rides and I said what for, it’s no fun beating up on little children and he said don’t worry there are some girls and old men you can beat up on, too and he said I’d need to have a few miles in my legs for cyclecross.
So I rode over to the starting place in Redondo Beach it’s called the Donut Ride and Krankewitz wasn’t kidding about the girls and old men. I never saw a creakier and more broke-down looking bunch outside of a retirement home but that wasn’t the worst. The worst was that Higgins was there too, but that still wasn’t the worst because Higgins was wearing a Team Ding-a-Ling jersey and shorts.
Hey Higgins I said and he said Hey Porky and I said it’s not Porky anymore pal, they call me Billy Blitz the Hammer now and he said we’ll call you Porky Blitz then and a bunch of guys he was standing around started laughing. How come you’re on Team Ding-a-Ling I asked and he said that Krankewitz figured we needed a real sprinter yeah, so why’d he hire you I asked and Higgins said why don’t you ask my rear wheel, you know, the one that always rides away from you and I said whatever, dude, and you can bet he didn’t have a comeback to that.
Anyway the ride started and to tell the truth mom I wasn’t feeling my best because of the jet lag and I haven’t gotten used to the California air yet and I was on the 404’s when I should have been on the 303’s. We went through this little plaza called Malaga Cove and some idiot hit the jets and it was strung out in a line and people were popping off the back like a lit string of firecrackers. I was just about to open the can but I was pretty far back when I got the lid off and by then this idiot in front of me, some chick, had opened a gap that I could have easily closed but instead I waited for her to close it and she couldn’t and then we were by ourselves.
I had already put the can back in my hip pocket when this chick looks at me and says pull through, fat boy and I said to her when I pull through you’ll know it sister because of the sonic boom and she said that’s not the first time I’ve been promised a sonic boom and only gotten a toy whistle and I said whatever, chick and that shut her up.
Anyway I was sitting back there for a while and then this ancient old man with a tattoo on his leg and white hair and a white beard came by, mom, I swear he was a hundred. Hop on he said so I did and we left that chick to regret her rudeness. The old dude was going pretty good and I was going to come around him and help but he seemed pretty happy there and so I just sat on his wheel. This Donut Ride course is pretty tough but not for me, mom, it was my rest day and it’s actually the off season anyway even though I will be doing cyclecross later.
The old guy his name is Tim finally got tired after about thirty minutes and we hit a big hill and so I attacked him and dropped him. Everybody was waiting at the top of the hill, it is called the Switchbacks, and Tim nipped me at the line because I let him and I felt sorry for him, he’s a hundred or older, like I said. The chick passed me too but I let her because I felt sorry for her.
Higgins was there and said look it’s Porky Blitz getting owned by Methuselah and the bag lady and everybody thought that was pretty funny but I said whatever dude and that shut him up good.
Anyway, the point is that I got my bike back and I haven’t opened the can yet lucky for them, I’m still flying under the radar and when I bust loose they will know it. Love you, mom.
Billy Blitz the Hammer
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