Hi, Mom — tasting the Totino’s (Part 9)

Hi, Mom

I have to keep this short but here is how it all went down on the NPR yesterday and it would have been different if I hadn’t had to sleep on the floor again. Tonight I’m giving ol’ Cindy the boot. She is the most selfish person I have ever met and what’s the point of having a couch if I never get to sleep on it?

I showed up at the start of the ride and saw this guy and said which one of you jokers is Bahati and he said he’s pretty easy to find, he’ll be the one going 40mph on the flats into the wind. I was like whatever, dude, which one is he and this guy who was wearing an MF Wonton Heavy Industries kit, like what the f*** is that??, said Bahati is the guy whose hair is growing out from here to Venus.

Which one of you jokers is Charon Smith I asked and this dude whose name is Sausage was like Charon doesn’t do this ride often and I was like what does he look like just in case I need to open up the can on him, too, and Sausage was like Charon’s the dude whose hair is growing in the other direction. What kind of name is Sausage I asked Sausage and he laughed, then Higgins rolled up and said hey Porky and Sausage laughed even harder. I’m Billy Blitzkrieg the Hammer I told Sausage, remember it.

We started riding and sure enough Bahati jumped in with us and sure enough he has big hair. Hey Bahati I said, I hear you’re the fast guy out here just want you to know I’m coming to get you. He turned around and laughed and said this is just a training ride, so don’t hurt yourself, sonny and I was like oh, I won’t be the one hurting because when I turn on the Hammer Jets whatever you had for dinner last night will be making a reappearance, back home I used to call it making the boys taste the Totino’s.

Bahati laughed again and said what’s your name boy and Higgins said that’s Porky, Rahsaan, don’t pay him any mind and I said everybody who finishes ahead of me today can call me anything they want but the rest of you turkeys will have to call me Blitz or Blitzkrieg or just The Hammer. Okay, Porky, said Bahati and things picked up. I looked at his legs and they are skinny kind of like a junior high school girl’s, not like the junior high cheerleaders back home, mom, big and thick like tree trunks, I mean skinny normal junior high girls. He wasn’t going to be going anywhere with those toothpicks.

Pretty soon it ramped up and I got stuck behind some slow people who gapped me out and the group rolled away, that was on Lap One, but I cut across the street and hopped on when they came back by. Then on Lap Two I got stuck behind some guy named Marv from Arkansas, he had smoke coming out of the top of his head and the group rolled away again but I cut across the street and hopped back on when they came back by. Then on Lap Three somebody went real fast while I was reaching for my water bottle and same thing.

Then on Lap Four I was feeling pretty good so I got on Bahati’s wheel and mom I sure did open up the can. Get ready to taste the Totino’s, pal, I said as Bahati started stringing it out again for the hundredth time. This time I looked down at my Garmin and sure enough he was going 40 uphill into the wind with those skinny toothpicks!! Who knew????

Here is a big mouthful of Whup A** for you buddy boy I said as I got ready to unleash and make him taste the Totino’s but I looked at my Garmin again and it said 42 and that was too fast I wasn’t ready to ladle out the Whup A** just yet plus I had a funny taste in my own mouth which was unusual.

Then I got ready to really dole out the Whup A** with a shovel but Bahati was up to 43 and I felt something weird in my back and neck and legs and stomach and my eyes couldn’t focus, and people were all screaming at me to hold my line I guess they knew I was about to come flying around Bahati for the finish.

Bahati sat up before the line and Higgins came around him as he slowed down and I was going to hop on Higgins’s wheel and come around him and win the whole shebang but my eyes still wouldn’t focus and it was just a dumb training ride and I didn’t care about it anyway because it made a lot more sense to save the Whup A** for a real race when they would all be surprised, kind of like a Stealth fighter jet that you can’t see.

More later, gotta go, love you, mom!!!

Billy Blitz


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