Andy Schleck announces retirement from quitting

The professional peloton was roiled by a news conference held by Andy Schleck, who announced  today that he was “retiring from quitting.”

“That’s it,” said Schleck, who was visibly distraught. “No more quitting for me. I’ve quit my last professional race. I never thought it would end like this, having to quit being a quitter, but that’s life. Sometimes you just have to quit doing what you love, which for me is, you know, quitting.”

Older brother Frank Schleck, who confuses orthographers by sometimes writing his name with an umlaut and sometimes not, stroked Andy’s head while the younger brother sat mournfully in Frank’s lap. “Even though Andy says he’s done with quitting, we’re holding out hope that maybe next year he’ll be able to stage a comeback and quit again.”

CitSB caught up with several current and former stars, all of whom reminisced about Andy’s uncanny ability to give up when the going got tough, and often when the going got merely uncomfortable, or, most spectacularly when the going hadn’t really even gone anywhere yet.

“I’ll never forget when he quit the 2014 Tour,” ruminated Alberto Contador fondly. “He really went out on a high note, quitting with me, and Froome, and a bunch of other riders. The tenacity he showed in giving up … I’ll never forget it.”

Shleck’s first pro contract was with Velo Roubaix when he signed under legendary director Cyrille Guimard. Guimard recalls the moment when he realized that Andy had what it took. “It was a sunny day, rare for northern France in early winter, and Andy had just joined us for his first pro training camp. We were, oh, fifteen kilometers into the ride and he sat up and abandoned.

“‘What’s wrong?’ I asked from the team car, and without missing a beat he said, and I’ll never forget it, ‘My knee is sore and I have a cold and I’m wearing the wrong base layer.’ He pulled over and quit and dared anyone to make him continue. That’s when I knew he was in a class of his own.”

Cadel Evans, who won the 2011 Tour by ripping the yellow jersey from Schleck’s back in the final time trial, was even more effuse. “Andy wasn’t just a quitter. He could crumple, fold, and give up even when he had a race sewn up. I’ll never forget taking 2:31 out of him in Grenoble, it was like winning a World Cup final by thirty points. He didn’t simply throw in the towel, he had a way of rolling over and dying that was truly epic. His ability to fling himself into an abyss of hopelessness and defeat was incredible.”

At the end of the press conference in his living room, after Frank had dabbed away Andy’s tears, the younger Schleck put on a brave face and smiled wanly for his fan. “Don’t give up on me,” he said to Darcy McIntosh, who had traveled all the way from the end of the block to lend her support. “I can quit this on my own.”

END

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15 thoughts on “Andy Schleck announces retirement from quitting”

      1. Don’t worry as the world’s biggest quiter, I’m sure he won’t have any issues with quiting the quit.

  1. I think pro racing, for Andy, without performance enhancement was simply too hard. The junk made life “easier” for him and might explain his struggles in the, hopefully, cleaner sport. Who knows….Maybe he will write a tell-all book and make some real money….As his biggest fan you will certainly purchase the first available copy, right?

    1. What’s impressive is how well he understood that it was time to quit even after years of quitting. Stud!

  2. Does this mean we have to rethink the definition of the phrase ‘getting Schlecked’? It used to refer to that slightly sick feeling you got when you shifted your SRAM Red rear derailleur into the spokes. I guess now it means you give away your bikes in exchange for a fairly lucrative career in TV commentary . . .

  3. Funny stuff and spot on.

    You lose respect for a guy when you see his opponent tap him on the face as if to say,”there you go little boy” after being gifted a stage…and nothing.
    I think I would have decked Contador right there!

    1. He’s a great example of a rider who, when the syringes were thrown away, didn’t even have a shadow of the goods.

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