Wankmeister cycling clinic #24: How to politely dump your team

Dear Wankmeister:

I got a problem. It’s kind of hard to explain but basically I am sick of my team and want to tell them to fuck off without hurting their feelings but also can I keep my bike and shoes and helmet until my new team gives me my new stuff for ’15?

Conflicted,
Tommy Twoface

Dear Tommy:

Breaking up is hard to do, but there is a humane way to let people know that you don’t like them even though you like their bikes and money and stuff. First, make sure the new team will take you. It’s bad karma to jump ship without having secured a landing place, otherwise you will probably land in a pile of shit. Second, well, there is no second.

Backstabbingly,
Wankmeister

Dear Wanky Dude:

I really like my current team, but there is another team that will give me more shit than my current team. What should I do?

Confusedly,
Thorsten Tornintwo

Dear Thorsten:

Swag > Loyalty. Duh.

Youknowyouwantit,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister:

I hate team drama. One guy on our team is mad at some other guy on our team and the other guy is mad at the people who are mad at some other people. All I want to do is race my bike and be a professional masters racer. Also, our team deal isn’t the greatest. We only get a $10k bike for $3k, and aside from the four free kits and skinsuit and shoes and discounted wheels and free nutritional supplements (all of which are pretty much legal), all we get are race reimbursements and half-off tires and free helmets, along with team t-shirts and podium hats and jackets and free socks and a full winter kit and free performance eyewear. The winter kit is bullshit because we live in SoCal. I want to be a good team member but I can’t help feeling like I’m getting screwed. I placed in the top-20 three times last year, and got a top-10 placing in the Festering Pustule Race Series as a 55+ Cat 3 Masters racer. Should I be angling for a better deal, or is this pretty much the best I can hope for? Kind of sucks, right?

Disappointedly,
Billy Bigpants

Dear Billy:

You aren’t getting screwed, you’re getting raped. Most SoCal masters racers with your pedigree command all the above plus a free TT bike and track bike and ‘cross bike along with a monthly stipend of $500 to cover beer and Uber/Lyft to and from your favorite dive bar. You should sit down with your team director and calmly go over your race resume. Remember not to shout or to call him a “fucking moron d-bag.” Also, remind him that 2015 will be your breakout year. You got this, bro.

In solidarity,
Wankmeister

END

————————-

For $2.99 per month you can subscribe to this blog, which is kind of a bargain. Click here and select the “subscribe” link in the upper right-hand corner. Thank you!

 

16 thoughts on “Wankmeister cycling clinic #24: How to politely dump your team”

  1. And then there are those who get all the free and discounted stuff but don’t feel they have to ride the team or shop kit during the week. Your article really made me laugh. Thanks.

  2. What blows my mind is that people like this ACTUALLY exist. One time my old, shitty cat 4 team in San Diego did well in a race and we got free beer vouchers for 1 beer and 2 cycling caps to share amongst 8 guys and we partied so hard afterwards and everyone was so stoked. And then it was 1 am on Monday morning and we were all like, “well, shit we should go to bed because we all have work and stuff.” And then we did because cycling is a fucking rad hobby, just like drinking and ultimate frisbee.

  3. I refuse to ride for any team that will not give me a car.
    Thus, I am yet to ride for any team.

    1. Make ’em throw in a free Learjet, too, and you’ll not ride for a lot more teams.

      I tell all the teams I’m not riding for that they have to give me a free villa in Tuscany, and none of them do.

  4. Genius. I hadn’t thought of the Lear or the villa but they’re on my contract rider now. Along with only eating salad from forks with two tines. Three tines for fish of course.

    Why aren’t more people on this program? Its incredible and its free. You should see my palmares, the list of teams I’ve refused to ride for is quite impressive. All the big names, they’re all there. Not one has made me an offer.

    1. The more teams you don’t ride for, the more you’re winning.

      I hadn’t thought about the fork tines. All of my forks are spoons.

  5. The only thing worse than the unfaithful and ungrateful masters pro is their progeny (and from whence they came) – the ungrateful and unfaithful CAT 1 wanna be euro fesh dude. The only ones I ever knew who backed up their ‘compensation (were worth squat) were LeMond and Hampsten: Lemond had his pops do all the negotiating (beating all comers at the same time) and Hampsten just rode better than anyone else, so it was logical he got all the swag and dough.

  6. The lack of loyalty in cycling is astonishing and sad! It’s always amusing when riders want to jump ship based on the idea of mythical teams that don’t even exist.

  7. jack from illinois (not my real name)

    You kidding me? Of course masters racers are among the few people on earth who earn their keep. Masters racers, especially SoCal racers, are so dedicated, so fit, so completely incapable of anything other than going for a bike ride, that they are OWED their freebies (plus interest and penalties) What other group of people willingly starve themselves until their withered 50 year old bodies look like 1000 year old mummies? Who else shaves and preens and slathers coco-butter on legs that look like a pair of dried up old condoms? Nobody. That’s who. That masters racer you make fun of has totally earned that old Powerbar he has been nibbling on for the last 18 months. Stop making fun of them.

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: