Astana launches doping investigation, discovers doping

UCI Pro Tour team Astana launched an investigation into team doping practices after Maxim Iglinskiy tested positive for EPO during the fourth stage of the Tour of Belgium. Within forty-seven minutes of the announcement, Astana general manager Alexandre Vinokourov announced that “doping had been discovered” within the team.

“I’m very sorry to announce that doping has been discovered within Team Astana,” Vinokourov said at a press conference held at the world famous tourist resort and secret rendition destination known as Kyzylorda-sur-Waterboarding. “The dopers have confessed and been properly disposed of.”

Despite the most vigorous anti-doping program on the Pro Tour, a program that includes asking riders to report if they dope and that makes extensive use of self-graded questionnaires to root out potential drug problems, Astana has suffered a shocking number of doping positives, beginning with general manager Alexandre Vinokourov’s 2-year suspension for doping in the 2007 Tour de France.

“After getting caught for doping, I made sure that my team would have a very strict anti-doping policy,” said Vinokourov at the press conference. “People like me would no longer be welcome on the team, and after I retired it was my goal to make sure that no one like me would ever be associated with the team again.”

Vim Vandy Pants, cycling journalist and noted notary public, questioned Vinokourov regarding the team’s policy. According to Vandy Pants, “Shortly after Vino was busted, Matthias Kessler, another Astana rider, received a 2-year doping sanction. How do you explain this?” he asked at the press conference.

“Kessler was an aberration, an anomaly, a synonym for ‘one-off.’ None of his self-reported doping exams or questionnaires ever indicated drug use,” said Vinokourov.

Wham Wankypants, yet another famous cycling journalist and an even more widely noted notary public, followed up by asking Vinokourov about Eddy Mazzoleni, the former Astana rider who was banned for two years in the infamous Italian oil-for-drugs-and-old-jockstraps sting carried out by the Italian anti-doping agency, CONI-BALONEY. “You say zat no doping inna Astana, but you, Kessler, and Mazzoleni all was doping onna banana.”

“It’s true that Mazzoleni was a doper,” said Vinokourov. “But his program was very sophisticated, very clandestine, very secret. We asked him about it one night when he was very drunk, and he simply shrugged and said ‘I no doping.’ There was no way we could have known.”

Vinokourov was then asked about Andrey Kashechkin (banned for doping in the Tour of Turkey), former rider José Antonio Redondo (banned for testosterone), Vladimir Gusev (fired from team for sort-of-doping), Valentin Iglinskiy (banned for EPO), Maxim Iglinskiy (brother of Valentin, also banned for EPO), and llya Davidenok (busted for steroids and general stupidity).

Vinokourov was unapologetic. “These were isolated incidences, coincidences, outliers, random occurrences. We could never have known about such team-orchestrated doping despite our focus on self-reporting and questionnaires. However, now that we have launched a full investigation we have in fact uncovered doping. It is unacceptable and in the future we will insist that all riders on Astana refrain from doping or cheating in any way. Or else.”

END

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19 thoughts on “Astana launches doping investigation, discovers doping”

  1. Vino=doping. And yet the peleton and the UCI let him have an Olympic Gold. All of these DS dopers, what else should we expect?

    1. Well, lots and lots of other guys can have similar association.
      Riis=doping, doper, doper, doper.

      Och=doping early USA Cycling doper, doper, doper, doper.

      Unzué Labiano=doping (movistar) Ancient history of doping.

      Patrick Lefevere = REMARKABLE podiums during epo years.

      Brailsford = Sudden athlete transformations that vanish into DNF’s. Does that sound familiar? Lienders the guy behind the rasmussen TdF.

      JV = the most strategic admission/management ever. Clean team? Sort of clean? Who knows!

      The UCI has chosen Astana riders to go positive. They have managed teams and riders like this before. Why? I don’t know.

  2. Come on people your supposed to be pro, at least do it with some class and get busted for cocaine like Boonen!

  3. When you make rules you can’t enforce through simple, black-and-white, yes-or-no enforcement, this is what you get.
    The riders are scapegoats.
    The “moralists” who beat their chests in public are being conned by the dope cops.
    It’s an incurable problem. Too bad, such is life!

      1. “If the guy next to you can ride and not get caught…”

        I’m not condoning, excusing, anything. “Unsolvable problem” means just that.
        They’re still doping, to put it plainly, and anyone who thinks they aren’t–whatever the percentage of dopers might be– is a tool for the dope cops.

  4. Yeah, but Nibali was riding clean! He is just a really good bike handler on the cobbles, super small and lean – so he can climb really well, and is just super aero in the ITT. There is no reason to doubt his performances. Come on… with the right talent and training, it is possible to do 6.5 watts to kilogram day after day. The only reason his teammates were doping was so that they could keep up with him.

    Yep, it has to be like that, right? Otherwise, the alternative is…

  5. Jeffrey Fylling

    Seth, this was copied from the comment section of CDMtoday.com

    “Ziba

    October 21st, 2014

    I think this accident could be prevented and this was the fault of Laguna Beach Police and paramedic. I was following the driver who hit the bicyclist and killed him, from Laguna Canyon in Laguna Beach and I noticed that he drives out of control. Immediately I contacted 911 and gave his license plate number, but 911 kept me waiting for 6 minutes and asking not important questions and finally they told me since you reached the Newport Beach we have to transfer to Newport Beach department. Instead of wasting time they could send immediately someone to catch this guy before he kills someone. But they didn’t and I saw that the driver hit the poor bicyclist. I pull over and contacted for paramedic it took for them about 10 to 15 minutes to show up and they were not at rush at all. I told them to hurry up the bicyclist is bleeding from head. And I don’t know with having so many closer trauma center why they took him to Mission Viejo Hospital which end up that young man dye at age of 30? big question for me….. who is really responsible for his death Laguna Beach Police, Paramedic or both?”

    Seth, Shaun’s widow will need a good attorney if in fact this is true. She will also need our love and support for the gutwrentching ride she is about to take thru our legal system. How can we do more to help her?

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