Brian Cookson, president of the UCI, announced today that disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong’s planned participation in the annual “Tots on Bikes” fundraiser would not be permitted. “It’s quite simple,” said Cookson. “He cannot ride.”
When reached at his Austin villa, Armstrong was surprised at the ruling. “I wasn’t planning on riding,” he said. “We stand behind our kids and help them balance on a bicycle. It’s a father-and-kid event, not a bike race.”
Cycling in the South Bay reached Mr. Cookson while on holiday in front of the Berlin Reichstag, and spoke with him about Armstrong.
CitSB: Why can’t Lance go to this kiddie event? It seems pretty innocuous.
Cookson: Armstrong has been banned for life, and under the terms of his ban, he cannot do anything that relates to cycling. Nothing. This includes seemingly harmless activities such as standing in the aisle at Wal-Mart and shopping for a bicycle, much less actually coming into contact with young cyclists.
CitSB: It’s a bit of a stretch to call 3-year-old children “cyclists,” don’t you think?
BC: Not at all. These children are the grass roots. Simply being around them will send the message that the UCI tolerates drug cheats.
CitSB: What about all of the other drug cheats who still play prominent roles in the UCI, not to mention the coaching and management of the sport?
BC: Those drug cheats are different. They simply cheated. We must never forget that Lance stole the precious dreams of children, and Betsy.
CitSB: But how can the UCI block his participation in a private charity fundraiser?
BC: It’s quite simple, actually. The Tots on Bikes program receives its event insurance through USA Cycling, and therefore all anti-doping restrictions apply.
CitSB: So there’s going to be drug testing as well?
BC: Of course. You never know when a particularly sneaky infant will transfuse a few blood bags in order to win the “Proper Pedaler” ribbon.
CitSB: Is this really a wise use of the UCI’s resources? Hasn’t Lance suffered enough?
BC: Oh, not at all. We’re currently working on an agreement with the state of Texas, where he currently lives, to sell insurance to the state for one or two of its outdoor events. We believe that this will give us complete jurisdiction to control everything that Mr. Armstrong does for the rest of his life, including when and where he’s allowed to, you know, …
BC: I didn’t know if I could say that sort of thing in this publication.
BC: We must never forget that Lance stole all of those precious childhood dreams and Betsy. No punishment is severe enough, and we must remain eternally vigilant that he is not allowed to corrupt the morals of our youth again.
CitSB: Like the Iglinsky brothers, who just got caught doping on the watch of ol’ doper Vinokourov?
BC: Exactly. Never again.
CitSB: And Roman Kreuziger, and Jonathan Tiernan-Locke?
BC: Right-o. Never again after them.
CitSB: Do you ever see a time when the lifetime ban might be lifted.
BC: Oh, absolutely.
BC: After he’s dead. Possibly.
CitSB: Possibly? How can you continue to ban a dead person?
BC: It’s in the terms of the anti-doping agreement. We can prohibit his corpse from participating in any UCI-authorized event. But I do foresee a time, perhaps in ten thousand years or so, when the ban could be lifted, that’s assuming he comes clean with the Truth and Reconciliation and Dicking Off Committee.
CitSB: How can he come clean? He’ll be dead.
BC: I suppose he should have thought about that before stealing all of those precious childhood dreams.
CitSB: And Betsy.
BC: And Betsy.
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