UCI blocks Armstrong participation in “Tots on Bikes” fundraiser

Brian Cookson, president of the UCI, announced today that disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong’s planned participation in the annual “Tots on Bikes” fundraiser would not be permitted. “It’s quite simple,” said Cookson. “He cannot ride.”

When reached at his Austin villa, Armstrong was surprised at the ruling. “I wasn’t planning on riding,” he said. “We stand behind our kids and help them balance on a bicycle. It’s a father-and-kid event, not a bike race.”

Cycling in the South Bay reached Mr. Cookson while on holiday in front of the Berlin Reichstag, and spoke with him about Armstrong.

CitSB: Why can’t Lance go to this kiddie event? It seems pretty innocuous.

Cookson: Armstrong has been banned for life, and under the terms of his ban, he cannot do anything that relates to cycling. Nothing. This includes seemingly harmless activities such as standing in the aisle at Wal-Mart and shopping for a bicycle, much less actually coming into contact with young cyclists.

CitSB: It’s a bit of a stretch to call 3-year-old children “cyclists,” don’t you think?

BC: Not at all. These children are the grass roots. Simply being around them will send the message that the UCI tolerates drug cheats.

CitSB: What about all of the other drug cheats who still play prominent roles in the UCI, not to mention the coaching and management of the sport?

BC: Those drug cheats are different. They simply cheated. We must never forget that Lance stole the precious dreams of children, and Betsy.

CitSB: But how can the UCI block his participation in a private charity fundraiser?

BC: It’s quite simple, actually. The Tots on Bikes program receives its event insurance through USA Cycling, and therefore all anti-doping restrictions apply.

CitSB: So there’s going to be drug testing as well?

BC: Of course. You never know when a particularly sneaky infant will transfuse a few blood bags in order to win the “Proper Pedaler” ribbon.

CitSB: Is this really a wise use of the UCI’s resources? Hasn’t Lance suffered enough?

BC: Oh, not at all. We’re currently working on an agreement with the state of Texas, where he currently lives, to sell insurance to the state for one or two of its outdoor events. We believe that this will give us complete jurisdiction to control everything that Mr. Armstrong does for the rest of his life, including when and where he’s allowed to, you know, …

CitSB: Shit?

BC: I didn’t know if I could say that sort of thing in this publication.

CitSB: Right.

BC: We must never forget that Lance stole all of those precious childhood dreams and Betsy. No punishment is severe enough, and we must remain eternally vigilant that he is not allowed to corrupt the morals of our youth again.

CitSB: Like the Iglinsky brothers, who just got caught doping on the watch of ol’ doper Vinokourov?

BC: Exactly. Never again.

CitSB: And Roman Kreuziger, and Jonathan Tiernan-Locke?

BC: Right-o. Never again after them.

CitSB: Do you ever see a time when the lifetime ban might be lifted.

BC: Oh, absolutely.

CitSB: When?

BC: After he’s dead. Possibly.

CitSB: Possibly? How can you continue to ban a dead person?

BC: It’s in the terms of the anti-doping agreement. We can prohibit his corpse from participating in any UCI-authorized event. But I do foresee a time, perhaps in ten thousand years or so, when the ban could be lifted, that’s assuming he comes clean with the Truth and Reconciliation and Dicking Off Committee.

CitSB: How can he come clean? He’ll be dead.

BC: I suppose he should have thought about that before stealing all of those precious childhood dreams.

CitSB: And Betsy.

BC: And Betsy.

END

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31 thoughts on “UCI blocks Armstrong participation in “Tots on Bikes” fundraiser”

  1. Peter Schindler

    It was odd that all of Team Discovery Us Postal Dope were allowed to ride together but not Lance. It was just a Grand Fondo, not a real race. And I’m not a fan of Lance, but stop the madness.

  2. UCI’s uneven application of their & WADA’s “rules” is what really irks me.

    Armstrong is hounded endlessly, yet Bjarne Riss, a confessed doper, remains highly visible in the sport.
    – Riis keeps his 1996 Tour victory on the books, plus many other high level wins & podiums.
    – Riis still manages the Tinkoff-Saxo pro team.

  3. Peter Schindler

    And Vaughters, And of course, as you mentioned, the most egregious, Vino. Astana, really? Come on. If the riders are guilty so is the team and the DS. A great teacher I had in high school said that history doesn’t happen in a vacum. Well neither does doping.

      1. Poor, broken, damaged, Betsy. Lance stole the air she breathes. No wonder she will never get over it….

  4. Peter’s right: doping doesn’t happen in a vacuum; but just about everywhere else…

  5. Betsy is still writing mean letters to Oprah for not calling Lance out as a liar during the interview. Asking “What about me? He admitted it to the doctor. Why didn’t you make him tell the truth? Oh god…the agony”.

  6. Bannings not good enough for them, I say bring back the lash. I’m sure Betsy would enjoy that.

  7. What do you have against childhood dreams anyway?!
    Speaking of childhood dreams, thanks for standing me up this morning. I was forced to ride along with The Pro Ride.

  8. What if your childhood dream is to win at all costs? The UCI and USADA have taken that away…….

  9. And what about MotoMan? He had dreams I bet…..Sure, they were probably in French but they still count. Dreams of an empire of motorcycle drug couriers….all gone now.

    1. That poor fellow. I hereby give him a lifetime ban along with Lance, the UCI, USADA, USA Cycling, WADA, and CAS.

      And Betsy.

  10. I remember the first time I saw a pro with a needle in his arm…it was like walking in on your wife with that other dude….complete betrayal combined with personal humiliation that your sport could go down that dark ladder.

    1. Hmmm. Last time I walked in on my wife with that other dude, I made an awesome vid. But that’s just me.

  11. I love this writing. It’s unique and fun and concise with a slight hint of Joseph Heller. Any truth to that last part?

    Lance made a cameo in the movie Dodgeball, so I stopped watching it altogether because, Betsy.

    Coincidentally, Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, and Ben Stiller’s hot wife all support doping. Where’s the UCI in Hollywood?

    1. If there is any truth to anything I’ve ever written, I deny it.

      Being compared to Joseph Heller is better than a blowjob — thank you!

    1. She has done what no one else could, and she refused to be intimidated or cowed. For that she deserves respect.

      But the guy has been punished, and from the looks of the False Claims Act litigation he’s embroiled in, he’s about to get punished a whole lot more, so now she just sounds kind of shrill.

      It’s hard for me to think that banning Dopestrong from a doper ride with his ex doper buddies really moves anything forward. He showed up to the Nosco Ride and no one died — quite a few people were actually glad to see him there.

      The opprobrium heaped on his head is way out proportion when you look at the steroid era in MLB (which is still going on), and the complete absence of meaningful drug testing in the NBA or NFL. It’s also hard to understand why Dopestrong is the worst human ever, but Eddy is the greatest.

      Even if Dopestrong was the biggest a-hole doper, the other dopers were cheaters, too. He has a pretty good line which I agree with, something to the effect of “I’m ready to talk about doping which has been an integral part of our sport since its inception.”

      The biggest issue is that on a personal level many, many people who have interacted with him say that he’s not a very nice guy. Is that grounds for treating him like a war criminal? Not when there are so many bona fide war criminals out there running around.

      Just my two cents.

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