Wankmeister cycling clinic #26: Winter training

Dear Wankmeister,

I am hoping to get a pro contract next year and want to start the season strong, without losing fitness over the cold months. I live in Los Angeles, where it can be very hard to train during the winter. As I write this the weather has plunged to 65F, and scattered showers (20%) are predicted throughout the day. It’s been like this since Monday, and I can’t afford to lose any more fitness. I’m 37 and just upgraded to Cat 2, so this is my last shot at the big time.

Anxiously,
Andy Armpit

Dear Andy,

Your concerns are well founded. You begin losing cardio fitness after 24 hours, and muscle begins turning into beer after a week of inactivity. Southern California is a challenging place to stay fit in the winter, with anywhere from six to ten days of overcast skies and an average of 1-2 inches of rain from October – March. Winter lows can hover in the high 50’s, often for weeks at a time. Having the right equipment will make the difference between getting a ride with BMC in 2015 and having to beat me again in an upgrade crit. Get an indoor trainer like this. All the pros use them.

Perspiringly,
Wankmeister

Dear Wankmeister,

I bought that trainer like you said but after thirty minutes it was so boring that I jumped off and smashed out all the plate glass windows in my house. Is racing at the pro level really this hard? Also, I posted my trainer ride on Facebag, Strava, and emailed it to all my friends but no one has “liked” or “kudo’d” it yet. Any ideas?

Stunned,
Andy Armpit

Dear Andy,

Sorry. I forgot to tell you, you also need to buy the entire library of these. You probably didn’t send the training file to enough people. Try Twitter, Linked-In, and Pinterest. People actually really enjoy poring over trainer files, so keep sharing. And pro racing isn’t nearly as hard as riding on a trainer for thirty minutes. If you can get up to 1-2 hours you will have simulated Roubaix or a climbing week in the Tour.

Forgetfully,
Wankmeister

Hey, Wanky

I got the library and am up to 3 hours a day. My FTP has increased 20% and I am rolling like a monster. But the software on the videos compares my wattage to the actual wattage in a pro race, and there is still a gap. For example, the winner of the Ronde averaged 350 watts for seven hours, whereas I’m averaging 175 watts for my first thirty minutes and dropping off significantly after that. Thoughts?

Curiously,
Andy Armpit

Dear Andy,

You are definitely pro material. Sorry, but I forgot to mention that you need someone to help structure your workouts. There are a lot of quacks out there claiming to know how to get you to the next level, but these folks are the best of the best. Get ‘r done, buddy!

Encouragingly,
Wankmeister

Yo, Wanky!

All the floorboards in my house have rotted through due to the sweat from my indoor trainer. Also, I go through three tires a day, and at $70 a pop we’re having to cut back on electricity, water, and Rapha. I’m up to fourteen hours a day now, though. FTP is up another 5%! Getting “R” done!! Any ideas for the floorboards??

Creakingly,
Andy Armpit

Dear Andy,

I forgot to tell you that you need one of these, too. All the pros have one; it’s where Lance hangs all his yellow jerseys. Also, fourteen hours is good. You might be ready to go to the next level, details here.

Commitmentedly,
Wankmeister

Dear Mr. Wankmeister,

We have been directed to you by the wife of our client, Mr. Andy Armpit, may he rest in peace, who indicates that you will be responsible for the bills pertaining to the memorial service and hand-carved urn for his cremains. We accept all major credit cards.

Respectfully,
Green Garden Happy Lawns of Foreverness Funeral Home

END

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12 thoughts on “Wankmeister cycling clinic #26: Winter training”

  1. In Austin we have a 60-degree rule. Under 60 degrees, ain’t no way we’re riding . . .

  2. Dear Wanky, my bike got wet riding yesterday morning – should I start looking for a replacement or is it salvageable?

  3. Dear Wanky,

    I posted a selfie of my freezing So. Cal. ride on PCH in the rain, I thought my friends would all think I was Hard. Instead they made fun of me for not wearing white socks.

    I want to keep riding my bike, but my friends say it’s more important to study the rules especially when it drops below 70.

    What should I do?

  4. Dear Wankmeister,

    That trainer cost more than my bike. Should I just tuff it out in SoCal on my bike and leave the serious stuff to professionals? If I was to get a lesser quality one, say a Sears one, you think that those dudes at Tacx would have a simulator route for my ride to the doctor’s office? It’s about ~.8 miles away.

  5. THere’s a problem with your blog. One can’t read it and eat at the same tome or chocking can ensue. Have we automatically signed a waiver np by reading this?

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