If you want to be a profamateur in SoCal you had better follow these rules.
- A week has two days: off days (1) and ride days (6).
- Buy full-carbon wheels for the annual fun ride.
- Never test, try out, or adjust trick equipment until five minutes before the race begins on race day.
- Always wear skinsuit, teardrop, and shoe covers on the coffee ride.
- Call the plumbing shop, ambulance chaser, and web designer on your jersey “my sponsors.”
- 5-10 minutes after getting shelled and falling into a grupetto, talk about who you think is doping.
- Whenever anyone suggests anything (movie, anniversary dinner, child’s talent show, free vacation to Monaco) ask yourself, “How will this affect my training plan?”
- Have at least one coach to analyze, critique, and fine tune the training plan of your other coach.
- The off season is when you train at race speeds and intensity.
- The race season is when you recover for the off season.
- Don’t ever acknowledge on or off the bike anyone you’ve ever beaten in a race.
- Hire a dietician.
- Often say, “They can test me anytime, anywhere.”
- Always color-coordinate.
- Wrap your car, or better yet, your Mercedes Sprinter van.
- Anything done by Prez or Charon.
- [Add your SoCal profamateur rule here.]END
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I’m 9/17. Am I in danger of losing my ProfAmateur license?
Yep. Get with the program!
Site anecdotes from this blog over post ride coffee.
Cite (it’s early). See you at the Joker Ride in a few…
Bloody’s Criteriums are not on my sponsor’s list of A Races.
Plus that’s my off week.
17. If any ride was not recorded and posted on Strava, it did not happen and must be repeated.
Unless it’s on Strava and it’s better than mine, in which case I flagged it.
17.5 During the bitter winter months, consider yourself a “hard man” anytime you ride in temperatures below 45. This must be then posted on Facebook.
Along with your trainer session.
17. Everyone is the enemy and is out to get you. About the only ones you can kinda trust is your mom and maybe your loved one. Even your coaches could be double agents!
18. NEVER get out of “race mode”. You might as well wave a white flag.
Even mom is an enemy.
Always refer to the author of “Cycling In the South Bay” as “Seth” and *NEVER* “Wanky” or “the Wankmeister”. Namedrop fictitious characters from said blogposts as if you regularly ride w/ them, even if you still live in Austin.
EXACTLY!!!
19. It is acceptable to sing “Hurt” (Johnny Cash version) on long climbs just to prove you aren’t suffering.
Or “Butt Hurt” by the Butthole Surfers when you’re dropped by children.