Top 10 stupid cycling resolutions you can abandon now
January 6, 2015 § 31 Comments
Well, it’s January 6, which means that most of us have already shed the resolutions we never planned to live up to anyway. However, a few stubborn mules are still endeavoring to persevere in order that they can be one of the eight percent who are successful at keeping their resolution.
“Eight percent?” you’re thinking. “That’s almost one in ten! I’d go to Vegas with those odds!”
Yep, except that 55% of your co-Americans usually don’t even bother. Still, it’s Tuesday, which means you made it through the Monday after the extended Christmas – New Year holiday, which means that you might be thinking that anything is possible.
It isn’t. Especially with cycling. Below are the resolutions to go ahead and quit now.
- “Lose weight so I can climb better.” It won’t help. You’re not a bad climber because you’re too fat, you’re a bad climber because you have tiny lungs, a tiny heart, weak legs, and the kind of mind that, when given a choice, will always choose a double cheeseburger over two more hard climbs. So enjoy the food.
- “Quit drinking so I can lose weight.” There’s only one reason to quit drinking, and that’s because it’s ruining your fuggin’ life. Quitting to lose weight is like amputating your arm in order to boost your ratio of watts per kilogram. It won’t work. Why? Because drinking doesn’t make you overweight, eating makes you overweight, and when you’re drunk you eat too much. “Aha!” you say. “So if I stop drinking I’ll eat less!” No. If you stop drinking all of the stress that you were trying to drive away with alcohol will descend upon your narrow shoulders like a herd of wildebeests, and the only way you will be able to cope with the stress is by eating. So, if you must quit drinking, do it because it’s your fourth DUI and you look terrible in orange.
- “Do more interval training.” Interval training plans are destined to fail because they hurt a lot and they make you tired. If you wanted to hurt a lot and be tired more you would stay at work longer and make more money. Also, if you quit doing the local group rides for interval training no one will admire your new outfit and fancy wheels because intervals, like practicing “Smoke on the Water,” has to be done alone.
- “Log more quality miles.” By this you probably mean you intend to ride at a slightly higher average pace with better riders. Nope, and nope. The better riders will string you along until you’re exhausted, then Tony Godzella will drop you somewhere along a puma-infested road. You’ll straggle home lots slower than if you’d just ridden with the usual gang of idiots, and you’ll miss the next four days of training hooked up to your recovery I.V. drip.
- “Race more.” Noooooo way. You’ll peak in Feb., and by early March your S/O will be carping about entry fees, broken frames, fractured bones, and time spent away from all that shrieking, plate-throwing, domestic bliss. By April you’ll be in off season mode.
- “Spend more time with the family.” Uh, whatever. Haven’t you ever noticed that you ride a bike because of your family?
- “Get my [husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend] into cycling.” This is a recipe for utter hell. Don’t even think about it unless you want to watch Mitzy tump over at the stop sign trying to get her foot out of the pedal, scrape her ankle, and blame you for the rest of your life because she now has an unsightly scar that looks tacky in a bikini. Plus, it will double your bike expenses. See #6 above.
- “Hammer less and enjoy the ride more.” Look. You know and I know that bicycling isn’t about enjoyment. It’s about pounding yourself into dogmeat, and hopefully dragging some other hapless sod through the meatgrinder while you’re at it. If dog had wanted us to smell the roses on our bikes he wouldn’t have placed our noses so close to the preceding rider’s bunghole.
- “Spend less time on Strava.” Puhleeeeze. You have the phone app. It’s on your laptop and desktop. You follow 700 people and know their data for the last two months. Quitting Strava makes kicking heroin look easier than spitting out sour milk. Strava is your life, and without it you wouldn’t know what to do. ‘Fess up. It’s okay. Only 11 steps to go.
- “Stop talking about cycling at the dinner table, and, well, everywhere.” You know why this is a bad idea? Go ahead and try it. You’ll find out that you have nothing else to talk about. You’ll sit there at the table or at the coffee shop mute and stupid as a triathlete. Instead of being seen as a one-dimensional cycling loser, you’ll be seen as a brainless nitwit. Small distinction, I know, but.
So, I know you’re really bummed out, but worry not. Tomorrow we’ll have a set of cycling resolutions you can actually keep. Stay tuned.
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Cycling in the South Bay 
Hello Seth,
Happy New Year. That blog post was hilarious!
While I resemble some of those remarks, I enjoy being the exception to a few of these rules. Such as successfully resolving to lose weight, riding with my wife (and mutually enjoying it), and actually doing social all day adventure rides where stopping to smell the roses is encouraged (Even started my own century of the month club). Never was much of a drinker and as the child of an alcoholic consider myself blessed in that regard.
Cycling became so much more fun once I decided to keep it fun on my terms. No putting pressure on myself to race, trying to be one of the cool kids, and be generally irreverent. Zero fucks given, as the Wontons say.
Anyways, like all your blog posts, I look forward to tomorrow’s list. That should be good!
Best wishes,
Arik
>
Best to you and Rachel in 2015!
I resemble them, too … so … easy!
“Zero Fucks Given.” If it was on a jersey, I’d buy it!
Added to ten or maybe eleven:
” try to explain to your wife why you are laughing while reading this blog”
I’ve heard many stories like this. “So I show it to her, and she shrugs. Or says, ‘gross.’ Or rolls her eyes.”
Then I meet them in person and they either won’t shake my hand or they immediately go wash it after doing so.
Hilarious wanky ! Hope you are facing the wind on NPR with a big fat smile !
No NPR for me today!!
Seth,
I love Strava. Not all the stupid phony PRs and “cups” but the ability to track my cycling over the year which encourages me to get out on my bike for longer rides. Last year for the first time I rode 2200 miles. Yay. 22% of Arik’s 10K miles but a milestone for me. I’ll take it.
Resolution 11 for you: Keep them laughing. So far you’re doing a bang up job.
Happy new year.
Tamar
P.S. Arik, you are SO one of the cool kids!!!
Thanks, Tamar!!
If it were about “the ability to track my cycling over the year”, you’d use something else. If it’s Strava, it’s about Strava 🙂
If you were to see my Strava profile, you would realize it really isn’t about the cups (I suck). My favorite feature is the Training Calendar.
Strava, as much as I love to bag on it, offers a lot more than just Strava. And you don’t suck.
awesome wanky!
Is that you, Marc? Happy New Year!
sure am. sitting here in this fridge called Germany. gave up on all my resolutions already 😉
Good job! I have a new set coming out tomorrow.
We had a brutal winter here last week; ten straight days in the low 50’s and high 40’s. I wore shoe covers every day. Brrrrr.
See you soon, I hope. We may be pedaling through Germany this summer.
Great read today, Seth.
Nice to see you this morning riding with a ginormous smile, arms raised in the air screaming “I won!” down VDM while the rest of us were trying to keep resolution #3 and suffering uphill through G$’s Big-Ring intervals…
Actually, I was screaming “Good job!”
Same difference!
I was deafened by the sound of the whirring carbon wheels in front of me…thanks for the kudos to us all!
There is no whoosh like a carbon whoosh!
Ha! That’s great and relatable. My relationship with my husband in regards to cycling is nothing like #7, however. He got tired of me dropping him so he bought a tandem. We rode it like we stole it, upgraded to a custom-made Co-Motion (we bought it with 100 miles on it; mint condition), and when we aren’t pulling a train of 100 cyclists on a century we race it. It’s the most fun we have together with our clothes on…and I get why it’s not everyone’s cuppa. Happy New Year!
That’s awesome. Whatever gets you on the bike, and keeps you on the bike!
And that which happens OFF of the bike, STAYS OFF of the bike…
Especially falling.
My S/O and I spent last week in the LA area to enjoy the warm weather and sunny skies. We experienced your “brutal weather” instead, not much better than Atlanta. I am envious of your year round riding weather and the terrain….the traffic not so much. I appreciate your blog Seth, a few hardy chuckles each day.
Thanks, Lee! The traffic here is no problem as long as you don’t have to drive in it.
Happy New Year —
FUGGIN Hilarious WM!!
Hey! Ride tomorrow?
Love it! Goes great with another story I read today about resolutions & it contained this beauty..”Don’t blame the Holidays…you were fat in August!”
Ha, ha! And don’t blame it on the equipment — I was slow in ’82!
Ha! “Don’t blame it on the equipment” I am the same fast (OK, ..slow) on my road bike as I am on my LHT. And I will probably be the same Clydesdale as I was last August…forever….
Right?