Ex-NFL doping public masturbator to challenge Froome, Contador

The cycling world collectively shook in fear when retired NFL tight end Kellen Winslow, Jr., 32, announced that he was going to begin competing as a professional cyclist. Cycling in the South Bay met up with Winslow after his Tuesday meeting at Mast-Anon.

CitSB: So how’s your training going? I understand that you’re up to a whole 50-60 miles per day?

KWJ: Whatever it takes. 50, 60, even 70 miles at a pop, don’t mean nothin’ to me.

CitSB: And it sounds like you’re already seeing some good results?

KWJ: Good results? I’m killin’ this shit. A first and two seconds in my first three Cat 5 races, and a sixth in my first Cat 4.

CitSB: That’s impressive.

KWJ: Damn straight.

CitSB: How long are you giving yourself to go from Cat 4 to the pro ranks?

KWJ: I plan on doing it real methodical-like, I ain’t in no hurry. You gotta take time to make time. So I’m giving it six months to make sure my body fully adapts.

CitSB: What kind of adaptations are required to go from being a 10-year NFL veteran to a pro bike racer?

KWJ: The biggest thing is changing your body. My playing weight in the NFL was 245, that’s big for a pro cyclist. So I’ve had to lean up, drop a lot of upper body weight. I’m down to 215, which is really small, you know? Once I get down to 200, 205, I will sign up for the Tour de France.

CitSB: Sign up?

KWJ: Yeah. That’s how I entered all my races so far, with the online sign up thing. Pre-registration saves you, like ten bucks. Why I’m gonna give ten bucks to the promoter? This is all part of being a professional in any sport, planning ahead. You plan the work and you work the plan.

CitSB: So you have a bit of a history with doping bans and the use of illegal performance enhancing drugs. Do you think that will be a problem for you in cycling?

KWJ: Me? Naw. That was a set-up. I don’t know anything about that. It could have been anything, something spiked in my food or something. I use a lot of supplements to get fast, everyone does. And sometimes the manufacturer puts things in your supplement and you test positive, see? And if that happens to me racing bikes, well, it’s not the end of the world. What’s four races?

CitSB: Sorry?

KWJ: Yeah, what’s four races, especially since they have several races in a week, or some races you can like do two races in one day.

CitSB: I don’t follow you.

KWJ: Dude, I got some bogus positive test in the NFL and they suspended me for four games. That’s a big deal in the NFL when you’re getting paid $50k per game. So I get some bogus positive test racing my bike and get suspended for four races, that’s not the end of the world, like I said.

CitSB: Gotcha. The old “four race suspension.” Now what about this public masturbation thing?

KWJ: Aw, man, that is old stuff. Why are you bringing that shit up?

CitSB: Well, according to the police report …

KWJ: Fuck the police report. What do you think I am, a pervert?

CitSB: It said you were whacking off in a Target parking lot with two open containers of Vaseline on the console.

KWJ: That’s just bull. I’m a K-Y man, anyhow.

CitSB: Okay, well, is there anything else you’d like to add?

KWJ: Yeah. How do you fill up these backpack water jugs in the Tour de France?

CitSB: Your team director will probably handle that for you.

KWJ: Okay, cool.



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35 thoughts on “Ex-NFL doping public masturbator to challenge Froome, Contador”

    1. He is destined for success because he knows how to work hard. Success is your destination when you’re destined for success!

  1. “I’m a K-Y man, anyhow”

    Crack me up!!

    A first and two seconds is nothing to shake a stick out for your first 3 races. Dude has something, or at least some punch in those legs.

    1. Dude definitely has “something.” The only question is whether or not it’s banned.

      1. Didn’t read the TMZ article the first time. Entertaining, which is I guess the point. Is it possible he doesn’t know he is too old for anything but the path to the leaky prostrate crit series champ?

        1. Aw man, those alleged bike “pros” are a tiny bunch of wimps. He will show them what you can get done with dedication and experience. Plan the work and work the plan.

  2. I had to do some more research, so I found his twitter. In the little “about me” section, it says, “….10YRs NFL, Cat 4 Cyclist, DJ….”

    Yes. The juxtaposition is fantastic.

  3. So if a pro cyclist is drug tested and has 0.0000000001% of something in his urine, it’s “off with his head” and ban him for 6mos – 2 yrs.
    OTOH, NFL player busted and he gets 4 game suspension?
    Yeah, that makes sense :sarc:
    I dont follow these “ball & stick” sports, but are they all mostly asshats like this Winslow guy?
    His “palmares” are only for a few races in Texas … what ‘s the profile of a typical road race coruse there — 1 foot of climbing?

    1. Every ProTour rider won his first three Cat 5 races, but not all Cat 5’s who won their first three races made the pro tour. Or something like that.

      Actually, Pace Bend and Walburg are rolling, but not remotely comparable to UCLA, Castaic, Boulevard, or Bakersfield. He will likely show up on Swami’s some day soon (he’s a SD native) and learn some important names such as “Tinstman,” “Bordine,” “Hornbeck,” etc.

    1. I wish him one full season of racing as a domestic pro so he can find out which one was harder — NFL or 3rd tier semi-pro bike racing.

  4. Why pile on the guy? He seems to love riding/racing, has some talent, and has the financial means to give this a shot. You’re acting a little like “Team Cinzano” in Breaking Away– the glee taken in shitting on the novice’s enthusiasm seems to be a constant in the sport.

    1. “Pile on”? Busted doper, suspected of public lewdness, bragging about his future pro career at age 32 after his first Cat 5 win? Let me know the next time you run into an “enthusiastic novice” like that.

    2. You are misreading the inside cycling joke the article actually is.

      A guy who got a positive in the NFL, of all sports, is a perfect fit for USA cycling.

      The horribly misguided aspirations of at least 50% of male cat 5’s is to get an upgrade. That’s when “Tinstman,” “Bordine,” “Hornbeck,” can’t forget THOG, destroy any hint, any hope, any tiny aspiration left. It’s like the gravity that keeps your feet on the ground. Another inside joke used.

      I still don’t know what “pro” means in cycling, because it doesn’t mean getting paid. Which, is another inside joke the article uses.

      And yes, competitive cyclists turn on each other with great frequency. It’s like middle school sometimes.

      Good work Wanky.

  5. Victor beat me to it, I was thinking he could team up with Barry Bonds to fill out their online TdF registration form together and maybe start thinking up cool team names.

    1. He lives in San Diego. I’m praying he shows up soon for the Swami’s A Ride.

  6. KWJ is signed up for the Cat4’s this weekend in Ft. Davis, TX at the Hammerfest stage race. Tejas racing confers instant wanky status.

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