SoCal bikes ‘n stuff

There’s a lot going on this weekend.

On Saturday, leaving RIDE Cyclery at 8:00 AM in Encinitas, a gaggle of those who dream, pretend, hope, or are just flat out terrified will take flight for a practice ride over much of the BWR 2015 course. The ride has already been engulfed in innuendo and non-controversy, as various wankers carp on chat boards about the “secrecy” of the actual route. Although it’s never fun to deflate the psychoses of conspiracy theorists, the actual ride route hasn’t been posted because county authorities haven’t approved it yet. Saturday’s ride will, however, cover 100 or so miles of the real route, allowing debutantes and veterans alike to get a taste of the pain buffet that’s on offer for April 26.

On Friday some riders will compete in the San Dimas Stage Race, one of SoCal’s marquee race events that is likewise eliciting some controversy. Some refuse to race it because of last year’s shortened crits, one of which was pared down from an already too-short 40 minutes to actual race time of about 30. Others won’t do it because for the most part the race is decided by the uphill time trial, with nothing but scraps left for days 2 and 3. I’m not sure about this argument, because it assumes the doubtful proposition that bike racing has anything as a reward but scraps. My favorite take was the rider who said that it’s a bike race so if you like racing bikes then you should probably go race your bike.

On Facegag a huge discussion ensued about the proper age categories for masters racing after the 35+ category was mostly eliminated in 2015. One guy came out swinging, saying that there should be “Two categories: men and women. If you are old and slow then you don’t deserve to win.” Others moaned about injustice, inconvenience, or floated complicated age-category formulas that would take into account flatulence, degree of Alzheimer’s, and the number of Depends changed per day. No one bothered to ask about the best way to get actual young people into the sport or to wonder whether or not this preoccupation of old farts with the proper “age categories” was completely bizarre. You know that look you get when you tell normal people that you’re 50 years old and still riding 400 miles a week so you can win a ribbon and stand on a plywood platform in your underwear? Yeah, that look.

The Wanky Kimchi Diet is baaaaack! Although my conversion from 10:00 AM weekday drunk to all-day-long craft water sipper has had many positive side effects, leaning up isn’t one of them. I’ve declared war on the embarrassing pot belly that hangs above my waist like a gigantic goiter by carefully analyzing my food intake and realizing that the removal of alcohol carbs has been good, but replacing them with giant slabs of butter, endless loaves of Mrs. WM’s freshly baked bread, and massive bricks of dark chocolate is like swapping out a leisure suit for saggy jeans that droop below your crotch.

Have a great, safe weekend, whether you’re riding, racing, posing, or surfing on the couch.



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25 thoughts on “SoCal bikes ‘n stuff”

  1. Cat 4/5 50-51 year old category only for me please. Make sure the entry fees are low and that we get paid out as well! Let the mediocrity begin again.
    Let’s see the old break outs were: Women, men 35+ (open), Jrs (all), men 4’s, men 3’s, sometimes a men 2’s, typically men Pro1/2.

    1. It was always fun listening to Crankenstein grumble about having to drag the Jrs around for another race…

    2. Everyone deserves a trinket. Next, what about 28-29 Cat 2’s living with mom and dad?

  2. “…the embarrassing pot belly that hangs above my waist like a gigantic goiter..” you really know how to hurt a guy….

  3. And JIKYWTK–there was never anything finer than those road races in Spain where 3 categories existed: Men, Women, Juniors (and often Juniors were excluded, they had to race with the men or women). Prizes were almost always cash and it was rare (if fact, I don’t remember it ever happening) that a Veteran placed in the top thirty…but the groups settled themselves out and it was always fun.

    1. But if you don’t get a trinket and the chance to stand on a cardboard box in the desert with your arms raised then LOSING.

  4. Could be worse. Many running races have Fat Men and Fat Women categories, although they are euphemistically called “Clydesdale” and “Athena”.
    Pretty sure some foot races also have a “soccer mom pushing screaming baby in stroller” category.
    And whats with all these “5K” and “10K” foot races? Have Americans become too obese to move their legs fast enough for a 1500m or 800m ?

    1. You’ve obviously never had Mrs. WM’s bread. Locals call it “crack bread” for its awesomeness.

  5. “Yeah, that look.” Hilarious. It’s the same in Masters swimming, except we’re wearing even less than underwear.

  6. Perhaps there should be an option to pay more at sign up and get your choice of starters trophy?

  7. No one bothered to ask about the best way to get actual young people into the sport

    Oh, if only that was their intention.

    Good news! They changed their mission statement over at USAC.
    The vision of USA Cycling is to make the United States of America the most successful country in the world of competitive cycling.

    Nationally competitive to internationally competitive in 3 years on bread water and a little air!!!

    Oh, yeah, and some other stuff:

    The mission of USA Cycling is to achieve sustained success in international cycling competition and grow competitive cycling in America while delivering an exceptional customer experience.

  8. I don’t think eating massive amounts of kimchi will offset the belly expansion caused by the consumption of Mrs WM’s fresh bread.
    But let us know how that works out…

  9. What were you wearing yesterday? I joined the ride on the first dirt section, and hung out under the bridge trying to figure out who was who. I was in the Linked jersey, and wore regular prescription glasses.

    1. I was the wanker fixing the first of his two flat tires on the other side of the little stream, with little puffs of steam emanating from his head.

      1. Ugh, bummer. I was going to see if you needed more help, but after the first person helping, the second sort of feels like the House of Mock. Pinch or puncture?

        1. It got fixed fine. Then I flatted again. Then my friend’s derailleur exploded. Then the other friend flatted. Then the other. Then I went home. BWR!

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