I received this letter yesterday:

Notice of Revocation of License

Dear Mr. Wankmeister:

We, the Standing Committee on Safety and Proper Cycling Behavior of the New Pier Ride, regret to inform you that after an emergency plenary session which was convened via Facebag on Tuesday, April 28, 2015 from 2:00 PM until 11:35 PM, you are henceforth prohibited from participating in, observing, commenting on, or otherwise involving yourself with any and all activities associated with the bicycle ride occurring twice weekly, on Tuesday and Thursday from the hours of 6:40 AM until 8:00 AM, and commonly referred to as the NPR or New Pier Ride.

This ban, effective immediately, shall continue until further notice and shall be enforced without right of appeal. You may, if you so desire, do independent laps around the Parkway with Nancy but only between the hours of 10:00 and 11:00 AM in such small and easy gears as may be, and always are, selected by him.

It was brought to the attention of the Standing Committee on Safety and Proper Cycling Behavior that your actions Tuesday last were among the most abominable, dangerous, hazardous, anti-safety, and despicable in the annals of our illustrious event, such that even the cavalier attitude and disrespectful riding habits of former attendee Josh A. and the previously excommunicated Wily Greek are deemed to be pale in comparison.

The general charges laid against you we hereby set forth as follows:

I. That on the morning of April 28, 2015, at approximately 6:37 AM, you appeared at the starting site for the NPR with what eyewitnesses have independently corroborated as a “mean, unfriendly, hostile attitude clearly intended to make other participants feel uncomfortable and perhaps sad.”

II. That after exiting the alleyway onto Vista del Mar, you intentionally assumed a hostile and unfriendly position on the drop portion of your handlebars and were seen to shift your chain onto the larger of your two chainrings while simultaneously lowering your chain onto the smallest rear sprocket. Eyewitnesses have confirmed that it was an eleven.

III. That immediately after passing the traffic signal at Grand Ave., you “hunkered down” and “began hammering like a maniac.” More than fifty of the assembled august personages who you later were heard to disparage as “wankers” generously offered to hop onto your wheel but you refused their assistance and pedaled away.

IV. That, being deprived of a rear wheel, the august personages of the peloton were rudely forced to give chase at a time during the ride when each of them was normally accustomed to friendly chatting about wattage, training plans, and other important items, and that this chase made each of them tired, induced burning sensations in their legs and lungs to which they were were not accustomed except on such days as Daniel H. and the aforementioned Josh A. are present.

V. That, with the exception of your despicable henchmen Surfer D., Man S., Tumble W., and a handful of other reprobates, the remainder of the decent and dog-fearing peloton were forced to continue painful pedaling without a wheel to sit upon all the way to the light at Pershing, which made each of them unhappy and uncomfortable and sad.

VI. That, rather than politely stop behind the long line of cars queued up at the light and give the noble and extremely pleasant wheel-followers in the peloton a chance to rest and attach themselves to your rear wheel, you blindly, recklessly, dangerously, and meanly sped through the narrow chute between the cars and the large brick wall, thereby endangering all who attempted to follow, and forcing the safety-minded and decent personages of the peloton who would otherwise have gladly assisted you by attaching themselves to your rear wheel, to come to a complete halt which further enhanced the unfair, illegal, dangerous, and unsportsmanlike gap you had created by willfully pedaling your bicycle hard in the manner of Josh A., who thankfully does not come here any more.

VII. That, once on Pershing, you continued to exploit your cruel, dangerous, and unfair advantage by repeatedly pushing down hard on the pedals such that when the decent and hard-working members of the peloton who had expended so much energy to reach you finally approached, each and every one of them was tired and felt meanly used and sad.

VIII. That, once the hop-in wankers atop Pershing who always wait there so they will not have to rush up the small bump on Pershing merged with you, additional bad-mannered henchmen such as Hair W., NJ P. Beater, Jon D., Man S., and repeat offender Surfer D. pushed the pace even harder until the fair and honest members of the peloton, unable to pull through and unable to sit on a wheel, opened up large-ish gaps and wreaked havoc amongst themselves, causing extreme unhappiness, sadness, and considerable discomfort.

IX. That, once on the Parkway, you and your henchmen continued your bad habits and reckless disregard for safety by running red lights and continually pedaling so hard such that the decent and honest peloton could not get close enough to sit on your wheel, assist you from the rear, and helpfully come around you at the finish.

X. That, in addition to your dangerous red light running and mischievous pedal pounding, you formed a final group consisting of yourself, Hair W., NJ P. Beater, Old F., and First O., refused to slow down or stop for traffic signals such that the honorable members of the august peloton could attach to your rear wheel and assist you from the back or otherwise float to the front and lower your unfriendly pace such that they could diminish the pain, discomfort, sadness, and general feelings of antipathy aroused by you in them.

XI. That, in addition to refusing to slow down and thereby forcing the august personages of the peloton to choose between chasing in earnest and suffering additional discomfort and sadness, or to give up and cede the victory to your unethical and dangerous riding and thereby diminish each of their feelings of self-worth, and thereby making them sad as if they were on a ride with Josh A., you insisted on continuing to ride like a maniac from Pershing all the way back to CotKU, thereby depriving the august personages of the peloton the opportunity to voice their displeasure, critique your awful behavior, provide you with useful training and racing tips, and castigate you for causing them so much needless danger, discomfort, and generalized feelings of sadness.

Therefore, be it know by these presents, that you are hereby excommunicated from the community of the New Pier Ride, that your seal clubbing license is peremptorily revoked, and that we, the members of the Standing Committee, will ensure that your behavior is monitored through Facebag postings and private email exchanges.

Sadly yours,

The Standing Committee on Safety and Proper Cycling Behavior of the New Pier Ride



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41 thoughts on “Excommunicated”

  1. Isn’t there a good doctor in your circles who can offer group discounts on surgery to locate and then reactivate the testes of the august and decent peleton?

  2. true story Bro…except for the parts that aren’t. come to Colorado. we will gladly take you

  3. 2 wins and now this, further conclusive proof of your doping activities!

  4. This is so sad. It makes me so unhappy and sad that you made them unhappy and sad. And it’s even more unhappy and sad that they took your license.


  5. Yes, being that you went to “eleven”, you should change your name to Nigel Tufnel or Wanky Tufnel, Nigel’s evil twin.

  6. It was a thing of absolute beauty. Looked more like a 54×10. No license needed.

  7. Now you’ve gone and done it Wanker….you and your evil henchmen…and your behavior on the way to CotKU…just despicable and underhanded.
    Thats why you get what we have right here.

    1. Ha, ha! See you on Tuesday. We have a little ride on Thursday that we do up here on the hill. Does the fine committee take PayPal?

      1. I fail to understand peloton’ lemming-like behavior. Just because some wanker pedals off at a great rate of speed does not mean that anyone must follow. It is not the wanker who inflicts pain on others, their pain is voluntarily self-inflicted. They have only themselves to blame. I, for one, have mastered the art of letting a break go. Invariably, the breakaway, especially if it’s a solo, comes back not because others chased but from boredom and lack of social interaction.

        1. The peloton is not lemming-like, but that’s because the notion of lemmings as suicidal creatures who gladly leap off of cliffs en masse was created by a Disney production team that frightened a group of them and steered them off a cliff with a bulldozer as they filmed.

          Rather, I would say that the peloton’s tendency to chase down the hopeless no-hopers devoid of hope is a much more primitive human instinct best embodied in the proverb, “The nail that sticks up will get pounded down.”

          And unfortunately, on the NPR, the break doesn’t always come back!!

  8. So you float through the BWR on your tank with 38’s and then you back it up at the NPR with an effort that sees you banned.

    What has Betsy slipped you?

    1. She gave me a secret stash of high risk, mortgage backed securities and secured the investment with credit default swaps. And that shit works!

      1. It sure does work! Just ask all those retired early A-hole bankers on the beach! Fucking bastards!

  9. Oh no! On NPR the break doesn’t always come back. What will we do?! I will need months of therapy to repair my self esteem.

  10. “…this chase made each of them tired…”. Jeeze, only *tired*???

    Well, obviously, next week you should wait with the jumpers up there past that bump on Pershing and time your leaving so there is about a 15-second gap between groups, once your leading group gets rolling. Because there’s so much more to bike riding than mere “tired”.

    In the spirit of the rolling hills on the northbound frontage of S. I35…

  11. Welcome to the club of the excommunicated. The only rules are no sadness, no ordinariness, and if you’re remotely like the Disney-type lemming, well, sorry, you will be very sad and asked to leave.

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