Youthful crotches and shaved cats’ balls

May 21, 2015 § 60 Comments

A mind is a terrible thing to waste, but if you want to do it quickly, hop on a triathlete chat forum. A friend sent me this link, which better judgment and common sense urged me not to click, but I am the reason that viruses, trojans, and clickbait always work.

Here it is, I dare you not to click, but be forewarned … it is a lethal computer virus that will infest your hard drive, your soft drive, and your sex drive as it vacuums up all of your personal data and sells your SSN, DOB, and bank accounts to Russian Internet thieves and Oleg Dickov for $2.99.

Clicked yet? Yes?

Then you have seen that an anonymous tri-dork self styled as “Duffy” has written a nasty little diatribe about one of the local West Side heroes who dared to take the lane on PCH while Duffy was hurrying to his cat testicle shaving appointment. Now before we get into the substance of Duffy’s complaint, which is that Our Hero should have been in the bike lane (there isn’t one, as the sheriff can now tell you), let’s all take a minute to appreciate Duffy’s online presence in Ye Olde Tri-dork Chatte Forum, and we might as well begin with his self described occupation as “Murders and Executions.” (Viewable, along with his profile pics, to members only).

So you see, Duffy is funny.

But he has a serious side, too, and since it focuses on vulvas, what better way to proclaim his passion to the world than with a profile picture of a woman’s crotch? Detached from a body or a face, Duffy’s idea of a woman is apparently a vulva in a miniskirt. I’ll take a wild leap here and guess that Duffy is single, and not by choice. Unusually for me, I will take the high road and not post the picture.

“Gosh,” you’re probably thinking as you touch yourself gently, “that’s probably someone who is known to law enforcement.” What you’re probably not thinking is, “There’s the profile picture of someone who is knowledgeable about traffic laws.”

Of course, it’s possible to get the wrong impression, and Duffy spares you that error by using a second profile picture, where he veers from dirty old man to straight up sicko.

Duffy's dream cat

Duffy’s dream cat

By now we have lurched so far down the rat hole of Internet crazy that there’s not much more to add. How can you improve on the headline “Ignorant Pervert Cager-cum-tridork Who Fantasizes Over Shaved Cat Dicks Berates Law Abiding Cyclist”?

Answer: You can’t.

What you can do, though, is briefly scroll through the forum comments, where Duffy, in good company, finds much support for the proposition that cyclists on PCH should ride in the non-existent bike lane and/or in the rubble-filled gutter, or else face getting honked and screamed at by cager cat dick fanciers, and possibly run over, too.

What’s most shocking about the supportive comments is that most have at least three words with more than one syllable, and that “Duhhhh” is used sparingly. Is it really a tri-dork forum?

What’s sad is to see the Helen’s team name dragged through the mud until you realize that these are anonymous Internet trolls who don’t shop at stores, who don’t ride on roads, and whose main pastime is, well, shaved cat dicks. The bright spot, about 26 comments down, is the reasoned voice of Club La Grange’s El Presidente Robert Efthimos, who puts together coherent thoughts, proper punctuation, correct orthography, and effective reasoning to defend the Helen’s rider’s right to take the lane while he diplomatically points out that Duffy is a maroon.

Best of all, El Presidente presents the rider’s side of the story, a rider we all know and highly respect, which gibes exactly with the facts you’d expect: Mr. Cat Dicks began the confrontation by blasting the horn although the rider was legally in the lane coming down from Pepperdine at 42 mph. The aggressor then sped away, and when the rider caught Cat Dicks at the light, the cager began his lecture with The Opening Phrase That Marks You For All Time As An Asshole, i.e. “I’m a cyclist too, but … ”

No, Duffy, you’re not a cyclist. You are in a car harassing cyclists, which makes you a cager. You spend your cage time leaning on a horn, misstating the law you haven’t bothered to learn, and threatening us with death. That makes you not a cyclist, but an enemy, and if the worst you get out of encounters like this is an angry middle finger from a calm and accomplished cyclist, consider yourself lucky and go back to the shaved cat dicks, at least until we turn you in for animal abuse.



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§ 60 Responses to Youthful crotches and shaved cats’ balls

  • Matt Smith says:

    That’s was disturbing.

  • “We have seen the enemy and he is us.” — Pogo

    * There are almost no cyclists in SoCal, but
    * There are thousands of people riding bicycles.
    * Bicyclists in SoCal are universally ignorant, because
    * Everyone in SoCal is a motorist, therefore
    * Duffy is the most dangerous political foe we have:
    = A Motorist with a Bicycle Hobby.=

    = Mileage alone teaches you nothing =
    * Of all the subspecies of bicycle riders, tri-geeks are the worst, because
    * Physical prowess conveys neither knowledge nor judgement, but
    * Physical prowess implies experience and credibility.
    * Ignorant dogma recycled in a club is still ignorance, but
    * Ignorant dogma among tri-geeks rises to a new level, because
    * They feel compelled to promote it.

    The #1 challenge to better bicycling in SoCal is tribalism between motorists and bicyclists. It’s a cultural issue.
    And tri-geeks do no one any favors when they cower like gutter bunnies at the edge of the road.

    • Almost a good response, but you engage in “tribalism” yourself by referring to triathletes with two pejoratives – “geek” and “gutter bunny.” Pot, kettle, black. And I’m speaking as a roadie. Also many pure, Cat 1-grade roadies would take the shoulder there. Suggesting that the proclivity to take the road correlates perfectly with cycling skill and prowess is probably not an accurate generalization.

    • fsethd says:

      Well said, henchman.

  • Cameron says:

    I couldn’t resist the link…and I couldn’t stop myself from replying to Duffy. Heaven help us all…

  • Minnesota Expat says:

    Ugh. That’s an hour and a half of my life that I’ll never get back.

    • fsethd says:

      Take a shower. Then a bath. Then rinse with turpentine.

      • Minnesota Expat says:

        I have a better idea. Just found a nice 1/4 mile 11% ramp on a local road. I’m going for a ride AND taking the lane. Let’s see how many F250 Texas Edition pickups backup behind me.

        THEN I’ll take a shower. And have a nice craft recovery water beverage make from water!

  • KimAnn says:

    Damn you, Seth. I clicked on the link and spent my entire morning read time on a tri chat forum….a rabbit hole that I should not have explored. That was painful! Next time you post a link in your blog, instead of clicking I think I’ll just jump on the bike and do some hill repeats until I crack. It couldn’t hurt anymore than the hour I spent on that forum.

  • dan martin says:

    Geeze…I read some of those comments. Ugh.
    Thanks Robert for your voice. Unbelieveable.

  • gordo says:

    “Duffy” actually comes across as pretty reasonable, and there seems little reason not to use the shoulder there, which has no obstacles.
    Meanwhile you come across as arrogant and snooty.
    I’m a cyclist btw fwiw. I get the impression the cyclist in this situation was taking the whole lane ‘to make a point’ that he could, according to the law. Nothing wrong with taking the lane when that is the safest option. But that did not seem to be the case here.

    • You mean, “Duffy actually comes across as pretty reasonable, for someone who is trying to rationalize bullying a cyclist in his car while himself driving over the posted speed limit…”

    • fsethd says:

      Arrogant and snooty? That’s it?

      Need to up my rudeness game.

      No one cares if you’re a cyclist or a spaceman or a sous-chef. Cyclists have the right to ride in the lane. It’s not making a point, just like voting isn’t “making a point.” It’s your fucking right, and no asshole with a horn has the privilege of taking it from you. If you don’t want to vote and you prefer the gutter, by all means do both. But don’t harass law abiding people who are acting within their rights.

      And if Duffy sounds pretty reasonable, you need to read the law.

    • LesB says:

      So you consider “pretty reasonable” one who would blast his horn at a cyclist on a 40+mph descent and risking making him crash. Killer-reasonable.

      Your standard of “reasonable” is down there in the gutter, eh?

      • fsethd says:

        That’s exactly his point, unintentionally made, of course. For this mentality, reasonable is anything that doesn’t involve actually killing a bicyclist.

    • Tom says:

      That any person, especially a cyclist (note the point in the original essay dealing with people who start any argument with “I’m a cyclist, by the way…”), would presume to judge whether a shoulder (that is most assuredly NOT a bike lane) is usable from afar is troubling. It is indicative of a cyclist who doesn’t feel like a first-class road user, but rather an inferior (to motorists) road user. It says much about the commenter.

      I have seen shoulders that looked GREAT on video, but that in real life have numerous problems that prevent their use by a cyclist moving at any speed over, say, walking pace. Such problems include, but are not limited to, the ability to get off the shoulder when worse problems arise (rumble strips are popular in some parts of the country), sand, gravel, trash (and a cyclist who has ridden a given road frequently might actually keep track of such things and KNOW that the next quarter-mile of shoulder is problematic)…you might get the idea by now.

      • fsethd says:

        Most awesome thing about Mr. Cat Balls was that he didn’t know or care that there is a difference between a bike lane and a shoulder, and that he was wholly ignorant about the right of bicyclists in California to ride in the lane.

        After living in Japan for many years and being exposed to excruciating levels of politeness and deflection, I once asked a very close friend who was very drunk what he really thought about Americans.

        He paused for a moment and said this: “They are a people who think that their opinions are facts.”

  • dangerstu says:


  • LesB says:

    The Duffy dude should get together with the meat company dude from Sonoma and party on. The tales they could regale!

    Probably shouldn’t a done it, but I risked the viruses and went and registered and posted a really angry reply. Mainly over his illegal and very dangerous use of his horn.

  • Tom says:

    Several of the tri-dork posters effectively stated (I paraphrase)
    “the shoulder is wide, unless it has a TON of debris you should ride the shoulder, blah-blah”

    Well, at 30-40 mph descent you cannot see nails, glass, or debris soon enough to take safe evasive action. You can get a flat, lose control, and crash bad.

    Few weeks ago, I was descending the gentle hill on PVDS near Trump golf course @ about 30 mph, not “fast”. Was riding approximately on the white line, at edge of the legal roadway. Hit a large drywall screw with rear tire and BLAM! Tire explosively lost air and sidewall shredded. Never saw that screw before I hit it. If it had been front tire, I almost certainly would have crashed or endo-ed.

    Never again will I do a descent near edge of roadway.
    Cagers & ignorant “bicyclists” – I WILL take the lane on faster descents and if you dont like it, go lick cat balls.

  • Bill Stone says:

    One of your greatest lines ever: “I am a cyclist too…….. ” marks you as a rectum opening. Almost makes me want to send you three dollars-I cannot waste my time with .99 as I have totally unimportant things to do.

    • fsethd says:

      Three dollars from Bill Stone is three trillion roubles from Oleg. Which, with today’s exchange rate and Putin’s mastery of economics, is actually just a tad less than Bill Stone’s three dollars.

  • Woody Foster says:

    I’d like to refer you all to this….
    This is the best article I’ve seen on the reasons for taking the whole lane. However whilst I agree wholeheartedly with this as a bunch riding approach I personally do whatever is safest for me in the given situation when I’m one-up. If that means cowering on the roadside or taking a lane at an intersection, whatever gets me home to my family in one piece is what I’ll do.
    I’m a bit concerned that solo riders will take a lane “because they can by law”, will not be seen by a motorist and will be killed because of bloody mindedness and it being promoted by local “profamatures” with influence as” the thing to do”.

    • fsethd says:

      There is a much greater chance that you will be hit on the edge or in the gutter than that you will be hit in the center of the lane.

      It is superstition and habit that the gutter makes you safer. No one, least of all I, advocates taking the lane simply because you can. Do it because it’s safer.

      There are rare occasions when you need to pull over because you’ve backed up traffic and cars need to pass. Otherwise, you are safer where you can be seen, avoided, and passed.

      PS: Where have you been lately?

  • Pablo says:

    That was very entertaining, and, sadly, took a predictable path.

    • fsethd says:

      You’d think that with crotches and cats’ balls, what could possibly go wrong?

      Then you’d read “tri-geek” and you’d know. Everything.

  • JJ says:

    I absolutely refuse to click on the link and read the (currently) 14 + pages on the thread.

    • fsethd says:

      Good man!

    • fsethd says:

      You’ll also be pleased to know, since you haven’t looked, that the esteemed founder of Slowtwitch himself has waded into the mire.

      I’m told, of course.

  • Tom Paterson says:

    I got as far as reading something about “cyclsts running stop signs”.
    That’s Goodwin territory AFAIC and of course the trenches are just being dug deeper and longer, generally.

    There’s a push to get the so-called “Idaho Stop” law for cyclists enacted in Austin, TX. This could solve a couple of problems, including– speaking of imaginary “laws” governing ROW usage– settling the bogus “foot down” thing once and for all. Meanwhile, I’m stocking up on long green sticks and mashmallows; like they say, “This is gonna be good!”.

    • fsethd says:

      I’ve already moved on to football.

    • whareagle says:

      I’m just not a big fan of the Idaho STOP. It leaves too much open for conjecture. One cyclist’s “slow” is another cyclist’s “fast”. And I can prove, with my power meter, that you’ll get just as much of a workout, TSS, IF, PNorm, and all, riding lawfully, including stops, as you would ‘sort-of-running’ a STOP sign.

      The sad part is, having lived in Boise for about a year, since they back up to the mountains, there are fewer places to ride every year, thus forcing the inevitable “Saris Status Symbol” on the back of many a trunk.

  • whareagle says:

    I’m the whareagle on that thread, and it looks like I may have either broken the thread, or suffered a lockout. Dan Empfield and I had a GREAT discussion this afternoon, talking for over an hour, but now it looks like I may have been banned. Kinda sad, really. I thought I was holding my line pretty well, intellectually speaking.

    • Pablo says:

      I’m surprised it only made it to 14 pages of comments to be honest (as of this morning…

      • fsethd says:

        While back here at the Blog Ranch I’ve gotten twelve trillion hits and four new subscriptions.

    • fsethd says:

      When you don’t like someone’s opinion, block them! That will make those pesky facts go away!

  • marc causo says:

    6 comments and I get blocked. I guess it’s for the better! I could have spent a lifetime on that forum trying to combat Duffy and his ilks ignorance on that forum and accomplished nothing. It is probably a sign from the universe to ride more and reason with idiots less. Thank you Seth for this article.

    • fsethd says:

      Welcome, Marc. True story: I went on the forum one time, when the thread was only a few pages long, and haven’t been back. Life’s too short for that.

  • whareagle says:

    The sad part is that they’re endorsing complex behavior. Had the cyclist been in the lane in the first place, honestly, DuffBeer would’ve changed lanes a lot earlier, and not led the next driver to a visual surprise.

    In an attempt to get in touch with the engineer behind the FLARE at Bontrager, I accidentally dialed up Dan Empfield, and we had a GREAT conversation. But one thing struck me. He said he didn’t always want to take the lane, lest it lead to the very discussion that’s presented in the forum. He didn’t want to be audacious or hurt or harm anyone’s feelings. It once again led me to wonder why leaders of the industry are convinced that they’re lesser road users, or that segregation works. Does ANYONE believe we can lick the diabesity dilemma with segregated pathways? Are we going to get USAC’s membership up to a quarter million by enacting Copenhagen-esque infrastructure? Not only no, but HELL NO.

    Education is cheap, easy, and quick. Yet the hipsters in Portland and Seattle demand paint and path and custom contra-flow traffic lanes, all so they can ‘Feel’ more comfortable. It’s not an issue of comfort. Everyone is nervous after Driver’s Ed. Yet, with practice, you get adept. Same thing with cycling. WHY IS IT that motoring requires education and a license, flying requires education and a license, Trucking requires education and a license…. But Cycling requires just a receipt from the bike shop and a “good luck out there!”?

    • fsethd says:

      Because that keeps us in the gutter, where they think we belong.

    • Tom Paterson says:

      This “comfort” thing has become part of an attack on the privately owned motor vehicle in Austin, TX. Taking MV lanes away, taking parking away including on tiny residential side-streets, anything to “get them out of their cars” by making ownership and use of a motor vehicle more expensive and as much of a hassle as possible.

      Speaking of “comfort”, these people do *not* like to be argued with. Or they’ll call you names, and stuff. And kick you out of their discussion groups if they can!

      I’m scared “lots” when I ride. I think that shows I’m a sentient human being. The transportation world is full of idiots, and deliberate evil-doers, too– the worst of which are cyclists. “Because they should know better”.

      “Protect yourself at all times”.

  • MnMDan says:

    From the Caltrans (yes, Caltrans) Highway (you read that right) design manual for Bike Lanes, last updated in 2006:

    Bike lanes are not advisable on long, steep downgrades, where bicycle speeds greater than 50 km/h are expected. As grades increase, downhill bicycle speeds will increase, which increases the problem of riding near the edge of the roadway. In such situations, bicycle speeds can approach those of motor vehicles, and experienced bicyclists will generally move into the motor vehicle lanes to increase sight distance and maneuverability. If bike lanes are to be marked, additional width should be provided to accommodate higher bicycle speeds.

    And the bicycle is not foremost on Caltrans’ agenda.

  • Serge Issakov says:

    35 pages and counting. Mostly Whac-a-mole but a few glimmers of hope.

    • fsethd says:

      What’s really funny is that the tri-dorks glommed onto the faux Sagan interview, which has now gotten over 30,000 shares and reads. Several have emailed asking if it’s real. Others have engaged in spirited debate trying to prove its falsity or truth. #endtimes

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