Would you like some salsa with your pasta and peanut butter canned corn with celery?

Early morning, around 4:30 or so, is my favorite time of day because of coffee and breakfast. The rest of the day I morosely drink my java bitter and joylessly and pitch black, but the first cup is when I allow myself a dollop of heavy cream mixed with a dollop of whole milk. Fat plus the pungent smell of the fresh grounds plus caffeine equals yum.

Then there’s breakfast which is fruit and oatmeal or yogurt with nuts and more yum.

Since Mrs. WM is leaving for the wilds of Japan shortly, she has been reminding me that without her I will starve. “What you gonna eat?” she demands with a satisfied smile. “You gonna hungry all day.”

“I’m hungry all day anyway. And peanut butter.”

“You can’t onna peanut butter for breakfast lunchin dinner.”

“That’s true.”

“You can’t onna Domino’s every day,” she added.

“That’s true, too.”

“So whatchu gonna do?” she will triumphantly smile as she waltzes off to Zumba in her cute green shoes.

That question bothered me, so for the first time in a few years I opened one of the kitchen cabinets while she was off doing her obasan-dance class. The only place more off limits for me than the panty drawer is the cupboard.

I was surprised to find that in the first cabinet there weren’t any dishes, but rather fifteen boxes of spaghetti. Even I can cook spaghetti. My research revealed more surprises. Eight jars of chipotle salsa. Three jars of Bonne Maman raspberry jam and two of marmalade, one from Dean’s wine farm in San Diego.

Twenty-three packs of Japanese instant ramen, the good stuff, and fourteen packages of House curry. Twelve big cans of tomatoes. Four big bags of rice and three jars of Nutella. What is Nutella?

My search took me into the hall closet where I found … more pasta, a box of crackers, two boxes of cereal, canned corn, and a secret stash of peanut butter, which no one eats except me.

I took all this stuff and laid it out on the dining table, which it covered. There was enough food here for an Arctic expedition and I hadn’t even screwed up my courage to look in the fridge, a place I was allowed to extract milk from but from where I am otherwise banned, especially behind the walls.

What are the behind the walls? Mrs. WM stocks the fridge the same way she stocks the crockery cabinets with pasta: She crams it all in. There is a narrow front ledge with milk and yogurt and a plastic carton of olives but behind that each shelf is a solid wall that must be unpacked to learn what is behind, say, the giant bags of celery, a food no one here eats.

I unpacked the walls and found many things: Kimchee, my beloved kimchee! Baby carrots, more celery, apples, vintage raspberries that were covered in mold, more celery, a half-eaten tub of hummus, old bread, many jars of opened chipotle salsa, and a huge tub of meat sauce. The crisper drawers were even more amazing. Bacon, sausage, more celery, onions, shallots, tubs of miso, and thank dog, more celery.

By now it was lunchtime and Mrs. WM was due home from Zumba. I took out some celery, poured some canned corn into a small bowl, cracked out a jar of peanut butter and a slice of bread, and opened up the Nutella stuff. It looked nasty but there might be some synergy there with the peanut butter, I thought, smearing the peanut butter and Nutella on a banana.

There was! Holy crap! This Nutella stuff is the shit!

Mrs. WM came home to find me happily ensconced in my treasure trove, and she was none too pleased, not just about the sense of pantry violation and my expose’ of her somewhat haphazard grocery shopping habits, but worse, the obvious fact that whatever happened to me between now and September, it wouldn’t be starvation.

“You can’t gonna ride onna bicycle eatin’ Nutella spaghetti and butter and salsa,” she said.

“Watch me,” I said, munching happily. “Just watch me.”



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31 thoughts on “Would you like some salsa with your pasta and peanut butter canned corn with celery?”

  1. Nutella IS #TheShit !! Glad you were finally able to experience an Awakening, but Lord help us all with your new-found Rocket Fuel…

    1. Nutella IS the absolute best thing to have on hand when dealing with lots of youth. That stuff got me miles of good graces, and it IS the shit.

      The “Inventor” of that passed away recently.

      1. First time I ever had it was in grad school. We had some Europeans in the program, and their care packages often included Nutella, which at the time, you couldn’t find on a shelf any where. What a treat.

    2. I travel to NYC for one reason. Nutella stuffed french toast at Penelopes. Gawd it’s good served with a huge glass of bubbly. Just got back from there. My HDL plummeted, LDL is through the roof. Damn that shit. But then, this cholesterol thing is all BS anyway …

  2. I could live entirely (almost) on cereal with milk and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, fruit and nuts. And coffee….

  3. Go with Nocciola instead of Nutella. Trust me.

    Oh, you may wish to invest in some produce while Mrs. WM is gone, lest you want to risk losing your teeth to scurvy.

  4. Michelle Landes

    I’ve had whole jars ’til the container is clear!! Your tongue gets raw, it’s amazing!

    1. Apparently there’s a whole Nutella sport out there … I’m a Cat 5.

    1. *love

      Nutella would be the food of the devil if such a thing existed.

  5. The addiction to Nutella isn’t the same as alcohol. It won’t take you to rock bottom. But it will take you to fat bottom.
    You’ve been warned.

    1. Once this jar is gone it won’t be replaced. I’m on a Pantry Depletion Mission.

      1. Once this jar is gone it won’t be replaced.

        May 31, 2015. Famous last words on Nutella in the house.

  6. I travel frequently for work and by the end of the week, I’m craving a peanut butter sandwich. I think you could make it for 3 months on that.

      1. Actually, peanut butter on celery is pretty good. Or salsa on celery. Not both though.
        If you enjoy Nutella, you may find creamed honey appealing. Better for you too. Try creamed honey and dates with some apple in your oatmeal.

        1. PB on celery is great. Salsa on celery is great. Celery on peanut butter on salsa is the greatest. Nutella is too expensive and tastes like sugar.

  7. Someone who’s lived in Germany cannot claim ignorance of Nutella. Poetic license run amok!

  8. LOL Nutella is for silly Europeans with their crepes and other ridiculous food. Here in America we eat peanut butter end of story. Nutella eaters are the same people that spin around with compacts on their bikes. You want to go fast then stick it in the big ring and eat peanut butter!

    1. That’s kind of what I was thinking, only with a lot more “fucks” and stuff.

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