British cycling fans at fever pitch over Wiggins’s upcoming hour record attempt

Sir Bradley Wiggins, a Tour de France winner, four-time Olympic gold medalist, and member of the Royal Order of Knights Who Say “Ni” will attempt to break the hour record set on May 2, 2015 by Alex Dowsett this coming Sunday at the London Velodrome. The venue sold out thirty minutes after tickets went on sale as British cycling fans went on a purchasing rampage to get seats at what promises to be a historic ride.

Nigel Sagbottom, a lifelong cycling fan who had queued up the night before to get a ticket, was euphoric. “I love cycling, it’s my life, and this is going to be exciting beyond words, really. The entire nation will be holding its breath to see if Sir Wiggins can, you know, get up the mountains in less than an hour.”

Gertrude Appledore, another excited ticket holder, was similarly enthusiastic. “We’ve been following Sir Wiggo’s career since his first cycle races as a lad, I believe it was the 50cc class that he started out in, and now the chance to see him win on a superbike at the track is once in a lifetime, really. He’ll be running a 1000cc with a four cylinder, I hear. So yes, we’re thrilled.”

The British public, long fixated almost exclusively on football, has taken to cycle racing with intense passion, and Wiggins’s continual media exposure through the SKY media network and his own unique brand of lethargic charisma has brought the sport to unparalleled heights in this football-crazed nation. According to David Dongle, sports media analyst at Britties Love Footy, a cable sports channel in West Anglia, much of the groundwork is owed to super sprinter Mark Cavendish.

“Before Cav,” says Dongle, “the average Briton didn’t know a cycle race from a menstrual cycle. But now that’s all changed. After Cav won that ‘ere Tour, and Wiggins won that ‘ere other ‘un, and then when they was teamed up with Lance to cure Betsy’s cancer, it sort of caught on, almost as big as the time Liverpool’s Traore catastrophically back-heeled the ball into his own net to gift Burnley a shock victory at Cardiff.”

The British man on the street, although unable to afford the tickets which were fetching up to $2.99 each, expressed the nation’s fascination with the sport of cycling when Smugsy McStains, a Manchester pipefitter, said this: “Boik racin’s for fuckin’ pussies, mate. If I wanted to watch skinny fellas ride around in their bloody underpants I’d sure not do it in public, y’know?”



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18 thoughts on “British cycling fans at fever pitch over Wiggins’s upcoming hour record attempt”

  1. Sadly, the football obsessed media over here have been unable to educate the great unwashed British Public about the finer points of cycling or the Hour record. I’ve already been asked several times what time we should expect Wiggins to do the Hour in!

    1. Depends on whether he has to attack, gets a lead out from his teammates, has to switch bikes, etc. Experts are hoping he can break 60 minutes, though.

      1. Wiggo has been a bit full of himself as of late. If he fails I be giggling a bit…

        1. I loved it when he said he could “beat Dowsett’s record tomorrow” then went out and failed to beat his 10-mile record. I guess he meant a different tomorrow.

  2. What’s funny is that there are people probably asking that question. I know Football and NASCAR fans certainly would……

  3. I understand the organizers intend to paint a 6-foot wide swath on the unused upside of the track in Fas-Dri™ Correct British Racing Green™ just before Wiggo gets the start gun.
    Wish I could be there!

    P.S. That’s “Ni”! “Ni!”.

  4. Didn’t Foggy win more hour records than any other roller-blade racer?

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